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Anna Martin: Love [music] now and fall in love. I love love stronger than anything. For the love of love. And I love you more than anything. Love.

Anna Martin: From the New York Times, I'm Anna Martin. This is Modern Love. Look, there are moments in life where something big happens and it comes out of nowhere. You're just like at the grocery store looking at potatoes or vacuuming your living room and then you get a text or a call or whatever and suddenly everything changes. And you might still be at the grocery store, the vacuum might still be in your hand, but suddenly life divides into before and after. [music] And it stays that way forever. My guest today is Blake Martin. He's a psychologist and he recently wrote a modern love essay. Blake had that moment happen twice within 24 hours. And the story he'd been telling himself about what his future was going to look like got rewritten really fast. [music] Blake Martin, welcome to Modern Love.

Blake Martin: Thank you. It's great to be here.

Anna Martin: I should say Blake Martin, we are not related. Correct. You can confirm that.

Blake Martin: Not to my knowledge. I haven't been on ancestry.com, but uh not to my knowledge. No.

Anna Martin: Blake, you recently wrote a modern love essay about how you got two life-changing pieces of news within the span of 24 hours. The first was finding out that your wife was pregnant. Can you tell me that story?

Blake Martin: Sure, absolutely. We assumed, as many couples do, that once we started trying, we would get pregnant pretty quickly. That was the narrative we had in our heads. Uh I was in graduate school at the time and so uh we weren't in a huge rush to have kids because we didn't want to have a young kid while I was still existing on a PhD stipend.

Anna Martin: Makes sense.

Blake Martin: But then as uh we started trying, nothing was happening. And what started as just kind of mild questioning over time grew to more and more concern to the point where probably about a year in we went and saw a specialist who dealt with infertility.

Blake Martin: We started kind of multiple different things to try and see if it would work. Uh most of them were relatively low intervention, not that expensive.

Blake Martin: But then when we had nearly hit the the 2-year mark, still nothing was working. And so [sighs] we had kind of given up the idea that we were going to get pregnant, at least not naturally. And the option in front of us uh was IVF, which you know has helped a lot of people. We didn't really have the money for it, but we were going to figure it out. And then after almost 2 years, I was in a tellahalth session. I was doing therapy in the middle of CO in our makeshift bedroom office. And Audrey called me over, my wife, and said, "I have something I want to show you." and she called me into the the the bathroom of our one-bedroom apartment. And as best I can remember, the pregnancy test was just sitting there on the counter and it was just those two beautiful blue lines. You know, after having test after test of not being pregnant, not being pregnant, not being pregnant, uh to see those two lines was was pretty startling.

Blake Martin: And then uh we just hugged there in the bathroom and

Blake Martin: there were some tears, uh happy tears

Blake Martin: and celebrated. And then of course began imagining this future that felt like it had been foreclosed to us for a long time.

Anna Martin: I mean that hug there's so much in that hug. Two years of trying disappointment now you know hope looking forward to this baby. What else did you do to celebrate?

Blake Martin: Well of course we had a lot of fun surprising our families right who had been along with us on this journey of wanting to start a family but not being able to. And so being able to, you know, share the news, pull out the pregnancy test to celebrate, go out to dinner. Um, we we did all of that eventually, but at the beginning it was kind of just like this this shiny coin we had in our pockets that only we knew about. And um that changed everything uh even if no one else knew yet.

Anna Martin: You see this positive pregnancy test. What was the picture you had in your head about what the future would look like?

Blake Martin: Yeah. Um, it felt like a door that had been closed to us was opening.

Blake Martin: Even cancelling the IVF appointment, allocating those funds to diapers, right? It felt like in some ways this very difficult, hard thing that we had dealt with, that chapter was now over. And so, I think there's a lot of relief.

Anna Martin: M I wonder if you were the kind of uh younger younger person who would think about stuff they'd like to do with their future kid. Was this something that you did like, "Oh, I can't wait to take them fishing or something like this."

Blake Martin: Yes. Uh I did think about that. I like to be outdoors. So the idea of like the first father child camping trip, right? Making s'mores, sleeping in a tent. I think it was all the things that I already loved that felt ordinary and the thing that felt exciting about it was getting to share that.

Anna Martin: What about Audrey? Did she share with you what she was excited to do with this future child?

Blake Martin: Yes. Audrey loves movies.

Anna Martin: Loves movies.

Blake Martin: And so for her it was I can't wait to like take my kid to the movie theater and get them the biggest bucket of popcorn

Anna Martin: I'm killing my mom. [laughter]

Blake Martin: Exactly. And enjoy that together. So again, it's how do we incorporate these young people into the things that we love.

Anna Martin: Okay. So you get this incredible news, this life-changing, incredible news.

Blake Martin: Yeah.

Anna Martin: Bring me into the other piece of news you got.

Blake Martin: Yeah. So um that was a Thursday evening and then the next day uh Friday, you know, I went to work. I was working at the hospital at the time. I was in the last year of my PhD. I went to pick up dinner at a pizza place, right, to kind of celebrate this this news, right, with Audrey back at the apartment.

Anna Martin: listen, I love a pizza celebration.

Blake Martin: That's right. That's right. A Friday night pizza. And I'm there in the parking lot of the strip mall. Audrey's back at the apartment. The pizza is in the oven. And my phone buzzes and there's a notification from MyChart saying that a lab result has been released.

Anna Martin: Okay,

Blake Martin: that's when I open it and I see and I don't remember the wording exactly, but it was something like diagnostic panel and demyelinating disease and positive for multiple sclerosis.

Blake Martin: I can imagine my heart probably started racing. Um and my mind started spinning trying to tease out, okay, what are all the different possibilities here? Could this be an error? What do I do?

Anna Martin: And kind of in a suspended state of disbelief.

Blake Martin: Sure. while also reckoning that I now have this information. I have to figure out what am I going to do with it. Um, and

Blake Martin: months prior, I was on a run. And maybe 3 miles in, I feel like my feet are cold. And I look down and I think maybe I stepped in a puddle, but the pavement is dry.

Blake Martin: And so, I stopped and then I ran again. Uh, and maybe half a mile later, the same sensation came back.

Anna Martin: Huh? Had you felt that before?

Blake Martin: No, never. I had actually run a marathon not too long before that and and so I was used to other pains when it came to running, but not cold.

Anna Martin: Sure.

Blake Martin: And then as I kept running, I kind of noticed some some creeping numbness coming on my feet kind of at the sock line on both of them and my legs felt heavy.

Blake Martin: And so I kind of walked a little bit, ran a little bit, made it home. And I should say at the beginning I wasn't concerned. I thought I had a bad run or a cramp.

Anna Martin: I mean, you're a runner that so many injuries happen. Some days are worse than that. That makes sense to me.

Blake Martin: Yeah.

Blake Martin: Yeah. And I I Google it and of course it's like your shoes are too tight, right? You cut off circulation. So I say, "Okay, I'll tie my shoes looser." But then over the coming months as I kept running, it kept happening.

Blake Martin: Um I probably just pinched a nerve or I did something whatever. I'm going to go see a physical therapist. I went to his friend of mine. It's a running practice that treats a lot of endurance athletes and I thought, "Oh, they probably see this all the time,

Blake Martin: right?"

Blake Martin: And he did a really thorough evaluation. and he did a a a good job and he said at the end very off-handedly said, you know, "Before we do too much work here, I want you to go see a neurologist."

Anna Martin: Huh.

Blake Martin: I think he knew something neurological was going on. I still had no clue. I was still in the world of this is some temporary running injury.

Anna Martin: Sure. Obviously, you're you and Audrey are sort of going through this together. Tell me a bit how you two were talking about this as you tried to figure this out.

Blake Martin: Yeah.

Anna Martin: What were those conversations between you two like?

Blake Martin: I think to be honest, neither of us were that concerned. I think we both kind of assumed, you know, um I'm young at the time, I was healthy. We had just conquered the infertility issues. And so we assumed that it would be like anything else we had dealt with that this is something that we can overcome.

Anna Martin: It makes sense. You went to the neurology clinic.

Blake Martin: Yeah, the neurosy clinic. It was at the same medical center where I was getting my PhD at the time.

Blake Martin: So I literally walked from the hospital that I was working at to the outpatient clinic building, still in my scrubs, wearing my badge.

Anna Martin: Wow.

Blake Martin: which I think subconsciously I was trying to communicate, hey, I'm one of y'all. Don't uh don't worry, we'll figure it out and it'll be fine.

Anna Martin: Huh. Can I I mean, I think it's so that detail of you wearing your scrubs and your badge to this appointment. You're pointing to your professional identity. Would it be too much to say it was almost like armor or is that too simple?

Blake Martin: Yes, it was armor, but uh it was made of paper.

Blake Martin: what I learned later is illness doesn't differentiate between people who provide care and people who receive it. Um but in that moment, it made me feel safe. I had a resident who took a little reflex hammer to my knees

Blake Martin: and one of my knees uh kicked stronger than she was expecting and she kind of said, "Hm, that's odd."

Anna Martin: Huh.

Blake Martin: And then she brought in one of the attendings and they talked in hush tones and that was the first time that I thought, "Wait a minute, maybe there's something real going on."

Anna Martin: and then less than 24 hours after that we find you in your car, you know, waiting for the pizza getting this notification. For those people who don't know how MS can manifest, what were some of the symptoms that could come down the line?

Blake Martin: Sure. I will do my best although with a caveat that talk to a medical professional and you know everyone's experience with MS is is different. Um so MS is a chronic and a neurological disease in which the immune system gets confused

Blake Martin: and the way that it gets confused is it begins attacking the body which right part of autoimmune diseases but in MS specifically attacks the protective coating of the nerves.

Blake Martin: And as it chips away that protective layer, right, signals can't pass smoothly. And so for some people their symptoms could be blurry vision some people are really sensitive to heat. Some people have difficulty walking. Some people have difficulty balance pain fatigue cognitive difficulties. It can look very different for very for different people.

Blake Martin: of course and it's progressive right.

Anna Martin: What were you imagining for yourself when you were looking at that test result in your car?

Blake Martin: The worst-case scenarios. I went immediately to wheelchairs, total loss of function, early death. I went there immediately.

Blake Martin: I sat there in my car holding the steering wheel, just trembling.

Anna Martin: And you have just learned you're going to be a father.

Blake Martin: Less than 24 hours. The day before, I was imagining taking this kid camping and running around in the woods, and now my thought was, "Am I even going to be able to pick up my kid? How am I going to take care of a child if my body is breaking down?"

Anna Martin: How did you tell Audrey? You walked back in with the pizza...

Blake Martin: Yeah, I brought the pizza home. I tried to walk in normally and put it on the counter. Audrey looked at me and immediately knew something was wrong. She said, "What happened?" I looked at her and started crying and said, "The results came in. I have MS."

Anna Martin: Oh gosh. What was her reaction?

Blake Martin: She was stunned, and then she came and held me. The night before, we had held each other in that same apartment celebrating new life, and 24 hours later, we were holding each other crying out of absolute terror.

Anna Martin: That is such a profound whiplash of emotions. Over the next few months, how did you two navigate preparing for a baby while simultaneously dealing with a brand new, unpredictable chronic illness?

Blake Martin: It was a very strange time. Because from the outside, MS is often an invisible illness. Unless you are in the middle of a major relapse, to the outside world, you look like a totally healthy person.

Blake Martin: But internally, you are constantly monitoring yourself: "Is my toe tingling again? Why does my leg feel heavy? Am I tired because of normal life, or is the disease progressing?"

Blake Martin: Meanwhile, Audrey's belly was growing. The crib was set up, the baby clothes were folded. We were living in two parallel realities: one filled with hope and the joy of new life, and the other shadowed by the fear of physical decline.

Anna Martin: How did that psychological burden affect your sense of self as a psychologist? Your job is to help others cope with trauma and anxiety, and now you were forced to face your own vulnerability.

Blake Martin: It completely dismantled my defenses. In psychology training, we learn coping mechanisms and cognitive reframing, but when an uncontrollable physical crisis happens to your own body, no textbook theory can take away that raw sense of helplessness.

Blake Martin: I realized I couldn't pretend to be an invulnerable clinician. I was a patient first, a vulnerable husband, an anxious expectant father. I had to learn to show my vulnerability to Audrey rather than trying to "fix" or gloss over everything.

Anna Martin: And then your child was born. Can you tell us about the moment your baby arrived?

Blake Martin: Our son's name is Miles. The moment he was born, I held him and looked at his tiny fingers and eyes. In that instant, all the noise, the anxiety, and the fear suddenly went completely quiet.

Blake Martin: It felt like, whatever might happen in the future, right here, right now, this life was in my arms. He didn't need a perfect, invincible superman for a father; he just needed a father who loved him completely.

Anna Martin: How old was Miles at the time, and as he has grown up, how have you adapted your interactions with him?

Blake Martin: He is a few years old now, full of energy. Even though MS means I deal with fatigue and occasional numbness and I can't run marathons the way I used to, I can still play with him.

Blake Martin: We build Legos on the floor, read books together, take walks in the backyard. I've learned that the depth of love isn't measured by grand physical feats, but by being fully present in each small moment of connection.

Anna Martin: Blake, after going through all of this, how has your relationship with control and the uncertainty of the future evolved?

Blake Martin: I used to believe that we could control our trajectory through careful planning—get into grad school, earn a PhD, get married, have children, smoothly march toward an idealized future. But those 24 hours completely shattered the illusion of control.

Blake Martin: Life is full of contradictory events happening at the exact same time: great joy and profound grief can arrive on the very same day. We cannot stop the storms from coming, but we can choose how we show up for them.

Anna Martin: How has this changed your marriage with Audrey?

Blake Martin: It has made us more radically honest than ever before. We don't shy away from talking about illness, aging, or future fears. When we said the vow "in sickness and in health," it was no longer an abstract romantic sentiment, but a daily practice in our living room and doctor's offices.

Anna Martin: If you could say one thing to listeners who are currently facing the terror of the unknown or sudden life disruptions, what would you tell them?

Blake Martin: I would say: allow yourself to grieve and be afraid, but don't let the fear of what might happen tomorrow steal the beauty of what you have today. Even if your future looks completely different from what you originally imagined, it can still be meaningful, beautiful, and full of love.

Anna Martin: Blake, thank you so much for being on Modern Love and for sharing your story with such openness and grace.

Blake Martin: Thank you so much, Anna.

Anna Martin: I'm Anna Martin. Thanks for listening.