A few years ago, I found myself individually coaching both a manager and an employee at the same time. The employee was super confident she'd get promoted, whereas the manager privately shared with me that she had no plans to do so. Why the disconnect? The manager admitted using the feedback sandwich technique, which is praise, feedback, then praise again, embedding that critical feedback in the praise leading to false expectations. Despite the manager's good intentions, the impact was damaging. There was burnout for the manager for overcompensating. There was a breakdown in trust for the employee. And ultimately, unachieved goals for the organization. Having coached hundreds of leaders, this is just one of many examples that I've encountered where low emotional intelligence, EQ for short, leads to low results. And that's no surprise, given the decades of research that show that EQ can boost profitability. My fascination with human behavior started at an early age, where, amidst family dysfunction, I witnessed firsthand how low EQ can leave a negative legacy. And now, as a psychologist, as an executive coach, I'm passionate about drawing from my unique corporate and counseling background to bridge theory and practice when it comes to teams.

Managers, I see you. With the pressure to meet bottom-line goals, you often have to do more with less. But what got you here? Excelling as an individual contributor, doing things yourself, won't get you success as a manager. As a leader, your impact is measured by what you achieve through your team. But let's be honest, increasing the intrinsic motivation and accountability of your team isn't always easy, especially when there's resistance or a breakdown in trust. How do you drive results? By unlocking the leadership potential of every team member, no matter their title. I believe it begins by elevating your emotional intelligence with three key skills: connect, correct and cultivate. These three C’s make up a research-backed framework called “Leadership Activated” that I’ve developed to help leaders practically build trust, guide behavior and foster growth.

The first C is connect. An executive once asked me to repurpose her session time to coach a seasoned employee of hers whose performance was declining. But as soon as I got into session, I knew she didn't need coaching on her external skills. She needed coaching to really uncover the internal factors influencing her performance. Connection is what unlocks high performance because it creates psychological safety. A key driver to team success where individuals feel freedom to communicate without fear. Research also shows that the number-one factor to job satisfaction is not our pay, but how valued and appreciated we feel. Sometimes we have to go slow to go fast. And trust is an accelerator to business results. And we build trust when we take the time to connect. What would it look like for this manager to connect? Because I see a lot of managers push without connection. And what happens is that the behavior gets worse because correction without connection feels like rejection. Connection is what separates our work from our worth. It's about valuing people not just for what they do, but who they are. The best practice here is when you use a tone of curiosity, you can say something like, "I want you to know it's safe to share." Or use open-ended questions like, "Can you help me understand?" Or use phrases like, "I see you," "I hear you. That's hard." All while paraphrasing back to make the employee feel heard. And when we do, the magic here is that we uncover the root issue. Maybe it's imposter syndrome. Maybe it's a personal issue at play. What makes them feel valued? What motivates them? All without fixing, lecturing, or using the information against them in any way. It's about talking with them, not at them. And sometimes we find part of contributing to this resistance is actually us. Lean in to that insight. It's a gift. Instead of defending your intention, model owning your impact. Saying something like, "It looks like I need to work on that" goes a long way. The first C, connect, is not a nice-to-have. Even if it takes more than one meeting, the only goal is to make an employee feel seen.

And while that's essential, not providing any developmental guidance is actually coddling. The second C is correct. I once coached a brilliant COO, but he would redo his team's work instead of correcting them. His overfunctioning enabled their under-functioning. The story he told himself was "feedback was hurting people." But when you look at the definition of a manager, which is to steward the organization's goals through people, feedback given with psychological safety is actually empowering. Now that we've separated work from worth, we can have a compassionate focus on behavior. Remember, we are correcting the behavior, not the person. What would it look like for this manager to correct? Well, one thing I see a lot of managers do is hint. Hinting doesn't work. Effective correction balances clarity and kindness. No one can read your mind. Instead of saying "deadlines are important," we can say "The deadline was X. This was submitted on Y. We need all deadlines met from now on because of a Z impact." Authors Heen and Stone break down the psychology behind why we do this. The feedback sits at the intersection of two competing human needs. On one hand, we want to learn and grow. On another hand, we want to be worthy and enough just the way we are, without change. Vague feedback equals vague commitment equals zero chance of change. And no one is motivated by shame. So managers are so much more successful when they use the word "and" instead of "but." "We" instead of "you." "Your client dedication is impressive and can we collaborate to improve communication?" Unlike the ineffective feedback sandwich, the first C, connect, establishes enough trust for the second C, correct, which is that clear, kind guidance.

And because connect and correct is not a one-and-done -- the third C is cultivating. Just like a garden needs ongoing care to flourish, leadership potential is cultivated by ongoing coaching. Yet many managers will wait until the last minute to a year-end review to give vague feedback, which of course erodes trust. Whereas research shows that real-time, informal, frequent feedback is far more effective. And when we ask our team open-ended coaching questions like, "What do you think we should do?" it empowers a whole team to step up with solutions. Which unlocks the leadership potential of both our team as well as our own because we're trading in burnout for a culture of ownership. This talk is actually not about feedback or the latest management trend. Connect, correct and cultivate are these three C’s that we may excel in one -- but the truth, they’re like a tripod. And if we don't excel in all three of them, our ability to activate leadership falls apart. But you may think that EQ is fluff, that a focus on people moves us further away from the bottom line. However, I am in the trenches with leaders daily, and I know firsthand that emotional intelligence is our greatest strategy to results, because our work is only as good as our work with other people. The secret to high performance is simple. We raise the intrinsic motivation and accountability of our teams when they first feel seen, heard and valued. However, leadership isn't just about performance. I know firsthand that low EQ can create cycles of mistrust, disconnection and pain. I dream of a healthier world where we don't just push on the world-changing missions of our organizations, but the accelerated and unprecedented pace to results through non-human means. We must anchor those achievements in what is uniquely human. Not replacing, but retaining connection as the cornerstone and the launching pad to all of our progress. I believe we can raise the emotional intelligence of entire workplaces to make them as kind as they are effective. To create an impact that's both measurable and meaningful. We're not just leaders, we're cycle breakers. So today I'm asking you, what kind of legacy do you want to leave as a leader? Will it be defined solely by the "what," the bottom-line goals, or will it transcend to the "how?" How, through connection, we created an impact that truly mattered. Together, we can architect the leadership of tomorrow. Thank you. (Applause)