Hello everyone, I'm Anthony
Welcome to my channel
Today's video
I want to talk to you about a very common phenomenon in China.
Those who are teenagers
Very smart and rational children
Why did it collapse later?
Even self-destruction
Many Chinese parents admire such children.
I have the best grades in every subject in school.
Be polite and generous in dealing with others
Give parents enough face
but
I haven't shown any rebelliousness or aggression.
Very sensible and obedient
Of course, there are very few people who can really do this.
because
After all, this still requires a high level of rationality and intelligence.
However, as they grow older
Their intelligence seems to be gradually disappearing.
For example, some people enter university
Sudden manifestation of a state of self-organization collapse
They gradually lost interest in everything.
The special skill that originally brought me a lot of applause
And hobbies are gradually given up
To outsiders, this seems like a fall.
There are some people
Able to work
Keep up the good and smart
Their social functioning still seems to be good.
Even far beyond the ordinary
They can arrange their lives perfectly.
However, beneath these appearances
The person feels that his energy is gradually drying up.
His heart
Gradually some terrifying dark forces emerge
Behind this power
Contains a lot of unintegrated raw emotions
Therefore, it is difficult to be understood and expressed rationally.
But the parties can vaguely feel
This power
It seems to destroy and subvert his real life
This is of course terrifying.
then
He will try to suppress this dark power.
Because they are very smart
So they may be unconscious
Using some very clever and covert methods
To defend against these emotions
So
In this video we will talk about
Why do many people become
Gradually exhausting my rationality
And what is truly healthy and natural rationality?
Before the video starts, let me say
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Put it in the list of "Psychology and Education"
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and consultation topics
You can contact my email to make an appointment
So let's get back to today's topic
first
I want to talk to you about some complex defense methods
The reason why this is complicated
Because it requires a higher level of intelligence
Therefore, it is also hidden and difficult to understand
The first one we are going to talk about
that is
A lot of psychological and philosophical terms are used to isolate emotions
for example
Some friends are very knowledgeable
They read a lot of books on humanities and social sciences
Can skillfully use attachment styles, projection,
Concepts such as empathy, bpd, npd, etc.
To explain myself and those around me
Or to quote Stoicism,
Plato, postmodernism, etc.
On the surface
This is a high level of self-awareness
The person involved even seems more awake than those around him.
and
Because of the people around
Usually there is not so much knowledge
It's hard to refute them.
thus
They will feel more confident that they can explain everything.
Analyze everything
And use this analysis instead of cure
However
When you listen carefully
You will find
They are in those
In psychological analysis like an academic paper
Sometimes he reveals very raw emotions
These emotions
Compared with their highly rational theories
It's so inconsistent
However
The parties will quickly use the new theory
To fill this gap
for example
A woman
When seriously analyzing the traumatic experience with my ex
Suddenly said: "Anyway, in the end
They will all leave me.”
This sentence is filled with grievance and sadness
It's very abrupt
But then this female friend will say
It doesn't matter
I have already learned from Stoicism
Learned a better mindset
So that kind of brief exposure of vulnerability
Encapsulated again in a new set of armor
second
It is the awareness of personal independence and boundaries
Holding a rigid understanding
The parties believe that everyone is independent and autonomous
And think that they are attached to each other,
Needing emotional response from the other person
It is the behavior of a weak person with independent personality
It is a manifestation of symbiosis and dependence with others
Self-sufficiency
As an absolute goal
He might think that everyone's choice should be respected.
Don't try to influence or change others
These words seem convincing.
Personal independence and a sense of boundaries are indispensable
They can prevent aggression in relationships
Helping both parties maintain their autonomy
In reality
There are indeed many people who do not respect the boundaries of others.
However, boundary awareness is ultimately
It's just a tool for interpersonal communication
Rather than purpose
It should not be seen as an absolute goal
If we pursue our own boundaries
Never be influenced by others
And never influence others
Then we shouldn't date anyone.
Because we just need to connect with others
They will inevitably change each other
Mutual influence
When I get close to someone
It also necessarily means
Part of the boundary between me and the other person will melt and penetrate
More importantly
There is always a certain degree of uncertainty in interpersonal communication
Before I dated him
I don't know if I will be compatible with the other person.
Will there be disagreements and conflicts?
If we pursue the boundaries
Absolutely stable and clear
Intolerance of change and possibility
There shouldn't be any socializing.
Refuse to deep link with others
Although this can make people feel temporarily safe
Avoid being hurt by others
However, I also refused to
The possibility of nourishment
This also threatens a person's sense of security.
In a healthy relationship
The border should act like a stretchy fence
Allows people to flexibly adjust between different distances
Penetrate each other
Rather than an insurmountable wall
In this relationship
Both parties can allow and accept each other's boundaries
Collision
But most importantly
Both parties can still repair through communication
Pursuing an absolutely stable boundary
It's actually a sophisticated defense.
Rather than truly healthy independence
The third defense is a kind of enthusiastic optimism
For example, the parties may emphasize
My life has improved
Life is happy now
Even said that even if I leave this world tomorrow
No regrets
This looks
It is a very emotional and passionate emotion
However, it itself
It is still divorced from the real experience of the parties involved.
It is maintained by a kind of compulsive rationality
Because people who always feel happy in life
When expressing feelings
It involves a lot of specific and fragmentary details
For example, what kind of friends did you meet today?
What delicious food did you eat?
Instead of using such abstract slogans to express happiness
This fixed expression
More like defense
and avoid the real regrets and traumas of the past
This avoidance itself
This also shows that this trauma has not really passed.
That's it
We have to ask a question
Why do some people
He was very smart when he was a teenager.
Have strong thinking ability
But this thinking ability
But it did not lead them to greater freedom.
Instead, it is often accompanied by fatigue, emptiness and unnaturalness?
We say that this rationality
Although it can bring good social functions
But it is ultimately a defensive rationality
This defensive rationality and healthy rationality
Actually, it’s different
Healthy rationality is like a naturally growing tree
Its branches, leaves, flowers, fruits and roots extend simultaneously.
Able to explore outward
Can also absorb nutrients from within
Defensive rationality
Populus euphratica grows in arid and barren environments.
Due to lack of water
Poplar trees will desperately grow their roots downwards
But the price is
It can't grow enough branches and leaves for a long time
to photosynthesize
It has to sacrifice its original balanced growth
Focus energy on a single survival function
The same is true of human rationality
recently
I read an article by Winnicott in 1965
It explains the two rationalities very well.
The title of this article is new light on children's thinking
On page 5
Winnicott said
adaptation is a fact, and very close to 100 percent
but it rapidly becomes less than 100 percent
according to the baby's development
which allows the mother more and more freedom
What is this that develops in the baby?
it is the baby's intelligence
Winnicott believes
In ideal conditions
The mother is able to adapt 100% to the needs of the baby
But that's impossible
As the baby develops
Mothers will also have more freedom
Rather than staying with the baby completely
This is the starting point of the baby's intellectual development.
That is to say
Winnicott believes
The intelligence of infants is first derived from
Understanding maternal absence and delayed gratification
Early in life
If the mother takes good care of the baby
Babies experience an almost magical state
When I'm hungry, breasts appear
I want a hug
Mother's hand will come over
For babies
This seems to be the result of a wish come true
Babies experience a sense of omnipotence
This sense of omnipotence is not inherently destructive.
Can become a person
A secure and fulfilling psychological base
And when the mother begins to experience slight delays
For example, not feeding immediately but later
The baby will go from the state of omnipotence
Transition to waiting
In this waiting moment
Babies use their imagination and memory
To make up for and relieve your anxiety
Winnicott said
the baby thinks to himself
(while screaming) that it is all right really
because the noises off-stage indicate that something is coming
that will just meet his needs
The noises here are off-stage
It means that babies can learn from some familiar sounds
To judge that the mother is on the way
Such as the sound of mother's footsteps, voice, and the sound of bottles
etc.
These environmental cues indicate that caregivers are on their way
Allow him to anticipate his needs
You will be satisfied in a moment
Just meeting his needs is the key here
It means neither immediate gratification
Not a delay
But a tolerable delay
In this process
Babies use their memory
and begin to understand the cause and effect relationship between things
This is the beginning of baby thinking
This kind of thinking is certainly not verbal logical reasoning
It is a product of the integration of emotional memory and thinking.
He has retained the original confidence and creativity
Without losing touch with reality
This also means that Winnicott believes
The intelligence of infants originates from some kind of trauma, loss and disillusionment
But this disillusionment is inevitable
It is also necessary for the development of a person's mind.
No parent can perfectly respond to their baby's needs.
Rather than trying to avoid rupture
More importantly, learn to repair this rupture
If my mother could come back in time
and respond to the baby's emotions
The baby will still feel that the mother is safe
Predictable
His imagination and thinking were confirmed.
He will feel
Even if my mother is not here
He can also call upon his memory
Representation and symbolism of the mother
To comfort yourself
For example, a blanket, a pillow and a stuffed animal
These are transitional objects.
It can also be seen as a symbol of mother
They carry the sensory memory of children being held
And give children a sense of security
If children are always in a secure attachment environment
Then as children develop
He will try
The sense of security that originally existed only in parent-child interaction
To spread and migrate to a wider area
For example, extend to a book, a song, a movement
They don't look like their mother.
But it provides a familiar and safe experience
Wait until you grow up
His symbols spread to a very abstract level
Such as art, philosophy, science, certain concepts, etc.
When he is learning some complex theories
Feel a primitive and continuous excitement and pleasure
The more developed a child's ability to use symbols is,
The more he can accept the separation from his mother
The ability to use symbols with great complexity and precision
It is equivalent to a person's wisdom and creativity
at this time
His fantasy is that reason and emotion interact synchronously
Mutually reinforcing and interconnected
The parties can think
At the same time, you can freely experience your own feelings
You can also use symbols to express these feelings
Express it
This is a process of integration and unification
However
If mother's care comes too late
or unpredictable
Then the baby's sense of omnipotence will be suddenly broken
His world suddenly became dangerous and unknown
At this time, the baby's mind will be forced to over-mobilize
To deal with this crisis
This is also the point that Winnicott will talk about next.
About this topic
Let’s talk about it in the next episode
That's all for today's video.
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