Hello everyone, I'm Anthony. Welcome to my channel. Today's video, we try to propose another perspective to explore why kindness does not exist?

In the previous video, we said many Chinese parents are accustomed to emphasizing my kindness to my children. This is reflected in the provision of a series of resources for children or above capital. For example, sending children to school, signed up for various interest classes, purchased various tangible or intangible products, or working time for the children. For example, cooking for children and doing housework.

The commonality of these efforts is that they are quantifiable, exclusive and conservative. That is to say, a capital or labor time either belongs to the parents or belongs to the child. Parents gave their children a, I'm missing one. Since a child has been, none of them work and cannot create wealth. Even if the child works very hard, but it is unlikely to give parents a visual, calculated returns.

So the child feels that he has been born, it's a black hole of ever-expanding deficits. He felt increasingly ashamed and guilty, feeling that you are taking up too many of your parents' resources. So the only thing he could offer his parents was by meeting parents' expectations. This provides parents with an emotional value.

That was in the last video. We also mentioned, the logic of this favor is not valid. Because for the development of a person's mental abilities, the most important thing is not the material resources or physical care. That only ensures that a person's body can survive. However, mere physical survival, it does not mean that a person's personality really exists.

Really important resources, good emotional coordination between parents and children. This attunement allows children to learn how to understand others, how to build intimacy. It can even be said, a person's total mental capacity, such as self-efficacy, the ability to read minds, ability to express language and emotional attunement, all are conceived and forged in this furnace. And it can nourish the person throughout his life. This is the most valuable intangible resource.

Such an emotional resource, although it is also given by parents to their children, but it is non-exclusive and non-conservative. Can stimulate each other and continuously increase value. When I love someone, I am expressing my love, I already feel a certain satisfaction. I didn't give the other person some kind of love, I feel like I'm missing love. Instead, I feel more loved.

Same, when I express trust and tolerance to my children, and the child performs better because of my trust, then I will be more certain, your trust is valuable. Therefore, good education can only be built on emotional interaction between two subjects, rather than a subject to an object, one-way indoctrination.

So far we have mainly discussed that kind of well-functioning parent-child relationship, how it works. This is of course an ideal state. In many Chinese families, this cycle and interaction of emotions, it was not established. So today's video, we mainly discussed in families where emotional interaction is absent, why is it said that kindness does not exist? as well as what hidden rewards do parents get from their children?

Before the video starts, let me say, I will post this video, put it in the list of "Psychology and Education". if, Do you have any topics you want to discuss with me? You can contact my email to make an appointment. So let's get back to today's topic.

First, let’s say, in that logic of kindness, resources for Parents to Give to Children, Usually visual and quantifiable. But in fact, the resources children provide to their parents are also quantifiable. But this kind of giving, it is not something that children give actively and consciously. Rather, parents treat their children as functional tools, or taking advantage of a child's vulnerable position, the result of exploitation.

When we take what parents get from children, quantify into money, we will find, this amount may be very high. Its value, it goes far beyond the products that parents buy for their children, and the labor.

More importantly, in dysfunctional families, although parents emphasized, I just give and sacrifice unilaterally, expecting children to repay their investment in the future. But in fact, they have gained a lot from having children. And this kind of return has actually started a long time ago. If they don't have children, or because of a disease that makes you infertile, so, they really don't need to spend money and sacrifice for their children. Seems like a huge cost saving. But will their lives get better?

As we mentioned in our December 15th last year, what is said in the video about self-identity, the concept of “opportunity cost” tells us, in real life, whether choosing a career, buying or renting a house, every choice has a hidden cost. We need to be mindful of potential losses from paths not taken.

For many parents who like to talk about kindness, if they don't have children, they won't save the money. Use it to develop yourself. Quite the opposite, the reason why they invest in their children as their only project is, it is precisely because their life paths were restricted early on. If they don't have children, you will lose more.

From the perspective of opportunity cost, we can't say they are devoted to their children, it's a "pure sacrifice". Rather, it should be said, that's after they gave up other possibilities in life, the least laborious choice. Their investment in their children, no other options of higher value are given up.

Then they learn from the children, what invisible benefits have been gained? I think, First, there is the unconditional attachment of children. The emotional experience it brings to parents.

The baby's attachment to his parents is unconditional and total. It can even be said to be an emotional worship. When babies look at their parents, the corners of the mouth are raised, the eyes follow, call mom and dad in a soft voice, these behaviors are not only important for children's survival, it also brings great pleasure to parents.

In this process, parents' oxytocin levels rise rapidly, dopamine pathways are activated. It's a very real feeling of joy and intimacy. It is also a timely and continuous emotional return.

We say this, it is not to depreciate what humans have, this beautiful emotion. But emphasizing, raising young children and responding to their needs, this is not an extra or noble favor. Nor should it be sanctified as some kind of sacrifice and dedication. It's a human instinct and basic ethical standards.

On the other hand, if a parent does not feed and care for their child, complete indifference to the baby's needs, that's uninstinct and unnatural. And they will also suffer widespread criticism and social pressure.

Because I see a child is cute, and then want to care for and feed, this does not directly equate to loving the child. We often hear parents say, the child was quite cute when he was young, it's hard to manage when it grows up. Not as cute as a child. This precisely illustrates, children have given their parents a great deal of emotional value.

However, once the child has his own will, start exploring the world on your own, learn new things, when spiritual needs arise beyond the physical level, some parents can no longer care for and feed their children, get satisfaction. Or they may not have, let children continue to be attached to their own abilities. So I feel very lost. However, the true expression of love for children, it is able to transcend temporary and accidental moods, and can continuously and stably promote children's autonomy and ability to explore. That's something to be truly thankful for.

We say that many parents who like to express gratitude, the second benefit from children, unconsciously, the child as a container for projecting one's alienated self. When parents go through some trauma, experienced feelings of powerlessness, anger, and neglect, he doesn't want these bad feelings to be associated with himself. But I can't accept it effectively and integrating these feelings. then, These negative feelings will become alien to you.

As Winnicott said, if the baby cannot be in the mother's mind, find himself, then he can only find his mother. Babies can only be forced to accept their parents' minds, absorb and internalize as part of the self. But these internalized things, ultimately, it is alien, alienated. It cannot be connected to other parts of the self.

So when the individual grows up, because of the alienated self and the true self, closely intertwined, nesting and wrapping, leading to the real core conflict, it is difficult for the parties involved to realize. then, He cannot clearly distinguish his true self, what are alienated selves? He will unconsciously project these alienated selves, externalize. And see these discarded selves in others. Through this externalized behavior, he felt a sense of satisfaction, feeling of self as unified and integrated. But since this satisfaction is only temporary, then individuals need to constantly use projective identification. This often manifests as manipulation in relationships.

We have many parents who like to emphasize gratitude. Everyone can see this, for example, a woman who grew up in an atmosphere where boys are favored over girls, I have been severely discriminated against and belittled by my parents since I was a child. So when she became a mother, after giving birth to a boy and a girl, she would often full of picky and critical. For example, she dislikes her daughter for not being diligent and sensible enough. At the same time, she dotes on boys very much.

This kind of disgust and dissatisfaction with my daughter, often it comes from an inexplicable impulse. We say this is her growing up, such a powerless, shameful, and the result of internalizing a devalued image of women. She identified with this alienated part of herself. I also agree with those offensive voices. But this alienated self is always tormenting, unbearable. So she asked her daughter, became the carrier of this alienated self. And by degrading, humiliating and controlling this vector, then feel that you are complete, successful, and beautiful. The more she attacked and belittled her daughter, the more it shows how serious her trauma is. How profoundly has she been alienated?

Although the mother repeatedly emphasized, how much did you spend on your daughter? How much housework did you put in? and convert it into market price. But what she gained from her daughter, actually, there are many more than these. For example, my daughter, serving as a vessel and outlet for her traumatic experiences. Constantly listening to my mother vent her emotions. A free listener all year round.

at the same time, The daughter was forced to accept the terrible self projected by the mother. At the cost of having one's own self-identity torn apart, prevent the mother's psychological structure from collapsing. This is equivalent to unilateral, long-term work as a psychoanalyst. In addition, the daughter also provides identity for the mother. The mother can be in front of relatives, friends and neighbors, repeatedly telling how much I have paid. By constantly emphasizing the "grace of raising me", to create a selfless image. Confirmation and recognition of this social role, it is a very important part of the mother's personality structure.

If there are no children, she couldn't construct her own identity as a victim. It is also difficult to gain external recognition and praise. So when the mother uses the market price, to measure your own efforts, if we take this mother, benefits from children, market-oriented outsourcing is also adopted, that would be a very high cost. And it's almost impossible to achieve. But it is obviously far higher than my investment.

A more common situation is, parents unconsciously using children as a tool to alleviate death anxiety. Common in groups that have experienced extreme environments. For example, in China, many survivors of war, famine, and political movements, they will deeply feel the impermanence of fate. And for their own existence, may be wiped out by a huge force at any time, feeling severe anxiety.

In order to avoid this naked anxiety about death, individuals can easily develop a strategy. It's to numb yourself, block out feelings and refuse to think. This reduces the uniqueness of the self. It's like erasing yourself. Naturally, there is no need to worry about being erased by others. This sounds ridiculous. But if you think about it carefully, it makes perfect sense, and common.

but, This is, after all, a passive means of self-protection. The positive means is to have children. As Marx said, the animal and his life activities are directly identical. animal, Not distinguishing oneself from one's own life activities. It is its own life activity. Man makes his life activities themselves, become the object of one's own will and consciousness. It is in the transformation of the object world, talents truly prove themselves to be species beings.

This sentence means that, how humans expand themselves, it is to create freely and consciously. This isn't about survival. It's the impulse of self-expression and self-transcendence. People want to put their own mark on the object. Thus, in the objects you create, intuition itself. Proving his existence, is universal and recognized. It transcends the birth and death of sensibility. Such as personal works, thoughts, achievements, etc. These are all traces and meanings of this person's existence in the world.

However, when a person experiences a traumatic event, he may be dissatisfied with the system, the institution. There is a deep distrust of society as a whole. Through creation, thinking, expression, lose confidence in all advanced paths. Instead, it turned to a lowest level approach, to alleviate death anxiety. It's reproduction.

They feel, the continuation and expansion of the self is unstable, uncontrollable. The only thing you can control is having children. However, this doesn't really relieve the anxiety. because, The essence of death anxiety is not the end of the body. It is the annihilation of one's spiritual being. A person's understanding of his or her position in the world. Terror without a trace and without meaning.

This spiritual existence, only through the subject's creation and speech. Works that externalize one's spirit into reality. For example, writing a book, build a model, or make a video, or write an article, or have real emotional connections and collisions with others. He feels himself and the other, really saw each other. And using the physical method of giving birth to a child, it won't solve all of this automatically.

Because the child is another person. He always has his own beliefs. Shows a tendency to lose control. Once the child gradually becomes unlike himself, the parties will feel, I have been seriously threatened. So I tried to have a child, to alleviate anxiety about death and loneliness, it will inevitably points to more control and intervention over children.

So if we look at it from the perspective of money investment, parents' investment in their children, it really takes a long time to get a return. But from a psychological perspective, then the children give back to their parents, many times it happens in time. Even children can't refuse. Children gratuitously and unconsciously, took on the psychological functions that parents lacked. The price is the incompleteness and fragmentation of the self.

So we say, in an unhealthy family, children are never one-way, accepting parental love and resources. But exists as a tool for a long time. When parents think their children lack a sense of responsibility, they may have overlooked, your own children, maybe I've already started to take responsibility. Than the material upbringing their parents give them, there is also a lot of pressure and responsibility.

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I will post this video, put it in the list of "Psychology and Education". Also recommend to everyone, check out my other videos in this list. Thank you for watching, goodbye!