Anna Martin: From the New York Times, I'm Anna Martin. This is Modern Love. I'm 31, which means I am in the thick of my bridesmaid era. By the end of this year, I'll have been a bridesmaid four times, officiated two weddings, and gone to five bachelorette parties. For these weddings and the bachelorettes that come with them, I've traveled to Cabo and Miami and Philly and the Hampton's and a small Korean island called Juju. I've bought shoes and dresses and purses and makeup, most of which I'll never wear again. And I want to be incredibly clear, I'm lucky to be able to do this. I love my friends. I love celebrating them. I love love love. I host the show. But I've been thinking about how much all of this costs us. Of course, financially, but also emotionally. Being a bridesmaid comes with a ton of expectations. And you're supposed to navigate all of it while saying yes to the bride and smiling for the cameras. I've been thinking about this stuff a lot. And so has today's guest, Raama. She's written a new book called I hope you elope. It's a bridesmaid survival guide that I think is long overdue, but might ruffle some bridal feathers. Raama told me why she's decided she will never be a bridesmaid again. And she has advice if you happen to find yourself in the position of being asked to buy yet another colorcoordinated pastel satin dress. If you know, you know. Rouama, welcome to Modern Love.

Raama: Thank you, Anna. It's such a great pleasure to be here. Ruama, I want to start by talking about an article you wrote for Glamour magazine a few years ago. It's called To All My Friends, this is my bridesmaid resignation letter.

Anna Martin: Yes.

Raama: What was in this letter?

Anna Martin: There's a lot in the letter. It essentially was my way of publicly saying that I was no longer going to be a bridesmaid. I had experienced being a bridesmaid for first wave of weddings as I put it. Um, which it catches most of us in our mid to late 20s

Raama: and mine came in post pandemic. I mean I think the pandemic got a lot of folks in love and I and I was all for it. But I came out of the pandemic and I was slapped with three invitations. Right.

Anna Martin: Slapped. Okay, that word choice is very is very telling.

Raama: Essentially, I I was a bridesmaid three times back to back. It honestly felt overwhelming. And the reason I use overwhelming is because it caught me at a very particular season. I'm single. I am in New York City, an assistant navigating New York City for the first time. Also living alone, paying my own bills. No one is financially responsible for room.

Anna Martin: You're painting an expensive picture here. It's expensive to live the life you're living. Yeah.

Raama: Mhm.

Anna Martin: Yeah. So, I feel like I got hit with the wave and underestimated what it would all come with. And I think the finances was a big big part of it.

Raama: I want to put like a a number to it too if you know this off the top of your head. You're saying you did at the time of writing this oped, this resignation letter, I'm never going to be a bridesmaid again. You bid a bridesmaid three times

Anna Martin: in three weddings.

Raama: Yes. How much money had you spent on those three weddings?

Anna Martin: I had spent around in the mid 4,000s. And I say that cuz some people are like, but I'm like, wait for it, I did not attend two bachelorettes and two bridal showers, right? And if I remember correctly, one was in Palm Springs, one was in Jamaica. And so, just sum up what a Jamaica weekend trip would cost. So, I look back at it and I'm like, this could have easily been seven, eight, $9,000 for three weddings at a time where I'm like, I think I was making 60K. So, that mid4000s number, I'm just like saying it back because I'm kind of marveling at it, but also being like, yeah, that that sounds, in my experience, that sounds about right. Of course, let's acknowledge that this class absolutely plays a role here. Not every bachelorette is going to cost thousands of dollars, so we can certainly say that, but that's a lot of money. Yes,

Raama: that's a lot of money.

Anna Martin: I'm like, that's three months of rent.

Raama: You always got to count it in terms of rent. I'm like, how much rent would this be? It's a lot of rent.

Anna Martin: Yeah.

Raama: Let's just do like a rundown. Like, what were you asked to pay for as a bridesmaid?

Anna Martin: So, I was asked to pay for the dress.

Raama: Um, which mind you, there's the western wedding dress, right? If you are having a multi-thnic wedding, and then there are the traditional dresses, right? whether you're I was experiencing both a West African wedding and an East African wedding and what that looks like cuz I'm also adding a little bit of the logistical emotional nightmare.

Anna Martin: Add it on. Add it on. I mean, of course it is. I I've had the Well, you go. You go then. I'm

Raama: No, it's like it's it's the way the aunties say it where you're on WhatsApp, right? Someone is helping coordinate. You're trying to pick the fabric and then essentially

Anna Martin: send your measurements, right? And you pray, you pray and hope that the measurements translate accordingly. So you are doing you are dealing with like bespoke dresses because I was going to say like

Raama: even in my experience where it's certainly not bespoke. We're like ordering from a business or company or whatever.

Anna Martin: There's this thing that I've been a part of where it's like okay we're not all getting the same dress. We're getting different styles of dresses in the same color. So we need to coordinate across you know 10 to 13 women the different styles that work for them. And some people sort of both want the halter top, so we can't do that. So, we're going to have to work that out. And oh, this color. But actually, maybe we're going to go with this color. And of course, you know, the color might not necessarily be flattering on everyone's skin tone. And in my experience, it's also like this is all done through a flurry of Google Docs and texts and emails. Like there's so much coordination. And we are just talking about dress.

Raama: The dress.

Anna Martin: The dress. That's it.

Raama: The dress.

Anna Martin: The dress.

Raama: Let's talk about the other stuff. I mean, well, and even before the wedding, let's talk about the bachelorette parties.

Anna Martin: There's the bachelorette parties which logistically become a back and forth because we're trying to decide on a city, a location. Then it becomes is the bride keen on one particular location or is it a bride who's kind of like let's let everyone throw options which gets dicey because then it's the loudest sort of end up um being able to

Raama: You're ending up in Nashville.

Anna Martin: That's Thank you. So group dynamics really plays a part in that and then it becomes this like split cost.

Raama: The splitwise

Anna Martin: splitwise is oh if I never have to do a split-wise ever again because you have my resignation letter for splitwise. Okay for the uninitiated this is a this is a app that allows you to break down a check but it's like we're splitweing you know the the multi-course meal and then we're splitweing the like waters we got for the you know what I mean? It's just

Raama: it is literally counting nickel and dimes. Um, but you underestimate it because I think there was one or two folks who kind of waited until the tail end of the trip to kind of punch in all the numbers and you're like, ah, I would have I would have maneuvered a little differently.

Anna Martin: But now you're like, I owe this because they clearly and mind you, you also don't know what the total is until they've sent it. Cuz if someone's like, oh, don't worry about it. We'll we'll do it in the Splitwise app. And they'll go and and charge their card. You don't know what that total came out to. So you're you're processing money in a very delayed fashion and form when it comes to

Raama: that is such a good point. It's like I come away from these weekends whatever experiences being like okay I think that'll cost like x amount of money and then I'm always surprised when the final Venmo or whatever comes. So it's yeah it's all this cost but it's also kind of like obfiscated in ways. It's obviously not polite to talk about finances while on the Bachelorette.

Anna Martin: Yes. G in this in this time where you were writing this letter and your budget was so tight. Did you spend beyond your means? Like did you you did?

Raama: I did. I definitely did. Here's my thing. When I say beyond my means, it's not a I put it on a credit card and got myself into debt. It's more so that I had to take a lot of like financial sacrifices. So, I wasn't able to go anywhere and travel out um outside of that. I had to It's vacation of your own desire. Yeah. But that is like the privilege element of it, right?

Anna Martin: The other is like I remember and my best friend knows this um where I I'm like it's midnight but a girly has to trek on the train because I can't afford that $60 70 Uber to go back home. But in New York City I have a rule for myself that at midnight anytime after a certain time I will always just Uber myself, right? And so moments like that where I'm like in the grand scheme of things was that was that how I want to you know you're saying that you are thinking of these financial calibrations in terms of like even something that just makes you feel comfortable in the city you live in like a way that you want to navigate New York for your own sense of safety. you were having to think like, okay, well, should I just walk or should I take the train when I normally wouldn't because my budget is so tight because of these weddings?

Raama: These calculations were very clear to you.

Anna Martin: Yes.

Raama: I mean,

Anna Martin: like limited dinners with friends, right? Um because of these birthday dinners, I'm like, I can't do birthday dinners. The birthday dinner dynamic sort of is like this uncovering of what like a full bridesmaid bachelorette experience of itself is right where everybody comes in, everybody has different income levels and statuses and it's one girly's birthday and we want to have a great time and there are the folks who come in and they're like entree, appetizer, two cocktails and just have fun and and and really are there to enjoy and indulge and then there's someone who's like I'm here to support a friend and I want to be here and be proud

Raama: and I'm getting an appetizer because that's truly what I could afford and then this and then you're splitting that bill evenly and

Anna Martin: that Mhm. Sorry, I cut you off just cuz I'm

Raama: But that brews so much frustration and resentment. And I know friends who are like, I can't do group dinners anymore. And it's sad because I've heard the other version of the conversation where it's like, well, if you can't afford it and you're going to be the person who's just coming in for a salad, then like don't be there. But I'm like, really?

Anna Martin: Well, then we think about the emotional support. This is so I love this. The birthday dinner as metaphor

Raama: for the experience of being a bridesmaid. This I'm like, yeah, that is exactly it. and you outlined, you know, sort of the the intricacies of a birthday dinner. And it's not only the cost, it's the emotional negotiation and the sort of and the group dynamics and the and the individual relationships are at play, which I think are so important to highlight. Is there anything else before we move on from finances that we want to talk about costing for bridesmaids? Then I'm going to move on to emotional cost, but I'm like, we have to be missing something.

Anna Martin: No, we're Oh my gosh, we're missing so much. Um, travel, travel to the wedding,

Raama: accommodation at the wedding, travel to an accommodation at the bachelorette, destination weddings.

Anna Martin: Yep. Yep.

Raama: And some folks end up contributing to the bridal shower, right? If family is not covering

Anna Martin: bridal shower. Yeah.

Raama: Yeah.

Anna Martin: I forgot about that.

Raama: So, bridal shower is um very much a thing. I think people also forget the beauty element of it. It's like, you know, the girlies got to get waxed, the girlies got to get their eyebrows threaded and get a little facial. And so there's also like additional haircut, nails done.

Anna Martin: I'm not I'm pale. I'm pale. I'm pale. I need a

Raama: It's a weekend. You've got cameras and videos on you at all times. So you want to look your best. You want And we And there's always the prep work that we do in that leadup. I think people forget about the fits for the Bachelorette as well. Sometimes we're doing matching fits. Like

Anna Martin: wait, we have not talked about barely scratched out on the Bachelorette. Well, let's talk about that because there is of course again there is a range. I've been to some bachelorettes where there's not a dress code in sight.

Raama: Yes,

Anna Martin: I've been to other bacheloretses where it is outfit I guess recommendations but not really. It's like requirements for each event. Speak on these matching outfits.

Raama: I mean it I mean it starts with the dress and then it goes all the way to the bachelorette of it all. Um here's the thing. I I love a good themed party and a good themed celebration.

Anna Martin: If you are saying like on Friday night we're going to this fancy dinner spot in Miami. Let's all wear black. Bride's going to wear which that's an easy like most of us have a black a little black dress in our in our closet. So that I don't think is the issue. I think when it comes down to like I need you in this swimsuit that's this particular brand and it's going to have lettering that says, you know, um the hashtag and whatever the hashtag is for the

Raama: husband's face

Anna Martin: or the husband's face and then now we're down these rabbit holes of more cost, more spend. Um and

Raama: then it becomes a I need you in neon for this day and you're like I don't have neon and I I understand

Anna Martin: I need you in floral. I said, "I don't have that, but I now need to buy it."

Raama: There you go.

Anna Martin: Yeah. It raises my stress level. It raises my stress level because

Raama: thinking about it.

Anna Martin: Thinking about it. And there's a dual thing here, too, which I wonder I wonder if you experienced when you wrote this oped, which is I'm saying all this and it's very emotionally true for me. And I'm also in the back of my mind being like, "God, but I don't want to sound like I don't love my friends. I don't want to sound like a bad friend, not a good supporter." I mean, female friendship is like one of the core tenants of my life, you know, and I I don't want to seem ungrateful for that, but this is the kind of psychic knot we find ourselves in where it does feel financially and emotionally tough.

Raama: Yeah. And I think I think you've hit it and and and here's the thing. I have been seeing this ongoing internet battle of even around the wedding and the bridesmaid conversation where folks boundaries is like our favorite word these days, right?

Anna Martin: And the other side of the argument is like what happens to showing up for the people that we love and community and friends and yes like the there yes for a season it might require you to the most do the most but it is just for a season.

Raama: And I hit two points on that right in the book. One is like you say that but it is very much a revolving door for women because by the age of 27 the average woman is expected to be asked to be bridesmaid three times, right? Wow.

Anna Martin: And the amount of people that I've talked to that are like oh three is nothing. I've been a bridesmaid 9 11 times. I'm like how does that happen? How many friends have

Raama: revolving door? It keeps the

Anna Martin: and the revolving door of asks, right? It's not of just like how many times I'm being asked to be a bridesmaid, but it's like what am I being asked even in one role for one wedding. It's it's a revolving door of so many asks. And I think weddings have really lost the plot. And that really comes down to social media that comes down to Pinterest, right? All these components that have really built this like recipe of a melting pot of what the wedding industrial complex is now, which is something that is very visible to the world, right? a union of two, I think, was a lot more intimate than it is playing out now. And so all these nuances hit the bride, hit her for the first time, and you're watching your girly navigate something, which I always sum it down to, I'm like, she's producing a huge event and nine out of 10 times she's probably never produced an event before. And I speak from a career experience of producing events and being like, I don't know.

Raama: Wow. And they're doing that while juggling a 9 to5, right? And then there's that trickle down effect, which is whatever stressor is hitting the bride, it's ultimately going to hit the the bridesmaid. And I think people underestimate that element about it.

Anna Martin: Yeah. You're so It's like um Well, I guess weddings were always events, but it's like aventify with the capital E. You know what I mean? It's like a

Raama: Yeah. It's it's so much at least in my experience, it's an outward kind of performance. And of course there are very authentic feelings, but yeah, the performance aspect is good to note. I want to go back to this letter. It's like why did this particular moment that you wrote this letter, published it, why did it feel like your breaking point? What tipped over the edge

Anna Martin: for me by the third wedding, like finishing off the third wedding and coming back to New York and being like, "Yeah, I didn't I didn't enjoy any of this." And there were pockets and moments of the wedding and seeing the people that I love find their partner like celebrating that I enjoyed. But I was like there was too many nuances where I didn't feel like myself or I compromised myself. So I feel like it wasn't from a place of bitterness but from a place of clarity. I wanted to show up for my friends differently. So I thought for me it was writing the piece was partly me processing that shift, right?

Raama: But also if I'm being honest it was a way of making it real. There was something about putting a boundary in writing that makes it harder to walk away from, you know, and I knew that if I had just said it to a few friends, another friend could convince me into being a bridesmaid or I backtrack on it. And so I was like, once it's on there and it's it's public, I'm so I'm serious. I am never being a bridesmaid again.

Anna Martin: And it wasn't just a personal story. It was something a lot of people were living through quietly, which I think women continue to do that, right? Especially in friendships.

Raama: Yes. Yes. Yes.

Anna Martin: Which is overextend ourselves um and just slap love, loyalty, and support around it. Stay with us.

Anna Martin: So, we talked about the financial cost. Um, and we've also spoken and I want to go a bit deeper into the emotional lift required very often of bridesmaids. And you know this was really driven home in your letter, your resignation letter and in your book where you talk about one specific friendship um where your experience at the wedding really caused a strain on the friendship. Can you can you tell me that story?

Raama: Yeah. Um, so essentially best friend who I navigated undergrad with, um, met freshman year and as anyone can say about those are very much like beautiful years of a lot of unlearning, a lot of discovery and I think we grew up into adulthood together. So there was just that beautiful um, sort of core understanding of like this person has seen me in the lows and has seen me in the highs, right? Mhm.

Anna Martin: I think the nuance of her wedding that sort of was different from the other two was that her

Raama: This is one of the three. This is the one of the three that you had. Gotcha.

Anna Martin: The traditional was separated from the western white by year. So it would meant travel happening twice, costs happening separately, right?

Raama: Two different ceremonies.

Anna Martin: Two different ceremonies. And so the first one, West Coast, um, which was the traditional very backyardesque wedding. I think 50 tops is how many folks it was. Friends were truly just bridal party. Anybody outside of bridal party was family and

Raama: intimate, small,

Anna Martin: very intimate, no dress code. It was like spring wear, some traditional wear. And I She was like, "Would you can you do my makeup?" I was like, "Absolutely. You trust me to do your face for your big day?" and she's like, "It's that's that's how much this is very much like, you know, I was able to show up a few days early to like help set up." And so, yet again, trying to find ways to be able to support in the ways that I can.

Raama: It sounds intimate. It sounds not as Instagrammy to use it. You know, it doesn't sound as

Anna Martin: Oh, it wasn't Instagrammed at all. At all. She didn't even Instagram it at all. When I tell you that gives you that like photos probably never made it to the internet. Like it was very intimate and it wasn't like a nobody post but like that wasn't how she was moving. That wasn't the goal.

Raama: Focus.

Anna Martin: Um we did utilize that weekend to prep for the western wedding of it all. So she went dress shopping. We tagged along.

Raama: I think we all teared up.

Anna Martin: Yeah, I know. I know that feeling. I mean there is there's something that overtakes you. It's like it's full body. It's like, "Oh my god, I'm a crier. I'm a cry. Ask me a cry. I'm going to cry now." It's like, you know, just remembering this. I sit with my sister with It's like, "Oh my god, I love you. You are so beautiful. I'm so happy to be here with you for this." Yeah.

Raama: Yeah. And I And we were able to also, which I think the beauty of how she handled this, I I I commend her for it at the time. and it was let's all in person go and try on dresses and find one because she was very much dresses. Wow, that's really nice too. That has never happened for me before. Yeah.

Anna Martin: And for her it was because she wanted us all in the same style color. It was like let's all collectively agree. Let's have everybody try it on. We went tried it on um and all ultimately decided on a dress that we all felt great in. Um did I love the dress? No. But I was like, h did I get like did I was I able to participate to some capacity? Absolutely.

Raama: Totally. And will you ever love a bridesmaid dress? I'd say probably not. But if you feel like it's passable even, you know, the colors, okay, I feel like that's a win. And the fact that you guys did it as a collective, it does just seem like in a lot of these elements, she's kind of doing it differently than other weddings. Okay. you have this traditional ceremony that's low-key from everything you're telling me, very collaborative, pretty relaxed, and then a year later, you have this western wedding.

Anna Martin: Tell me about that when it came time for that. What was that like?

Raama: So, in the buildup to that, I remember the maid of honor being like, "Hey, no pressure right now to buy the dress." When we were um trying on dresses, you'll get essentially a text from me since this is not for another year out.

Anna Martin: I'll let you know when to order and we'll go from there. We're like, "Great. Sounds good." And I remember receiving a text in the leadup from the maid of honor being like, "Hey ladies, time to order the dress." And there was like a small note that essentially said, "Small change of plans. Here's like the new style, right?" And in my mind, I was like, "There's no way it was like anything drastically different from what we had initially all agreed on."

Raama: Cuz you all tried it on together. Yeah. Oh, it was.

Anna Martin: It was. So, if I remember correctly, like it had sort of like that tank top square um neckline was what we decided on. And this one right here, like high neck.

Raama: That is a very different silhouette.

Anna Martin: I felt like a 5-year-old in a like flower girl dress, but for an adult. Like that's essentially how that dress is completely constructed.

Raama: And you hadn't tried it on. So, and and and these are again

Anna Martin: and the color had changed as well. It went from like a burnt orange to a cinnamon. And even though the color change wasn't drastic, that undertone was completely different than what we had initially tried on. And it's funny because it's the group dynamic, the the group chat of it all where you're sitting there and you're like, is someone going to say something?

Raama: Like what was the point of all that? Like what was the point of anyone?

Anna Martin: No one said anything. It just chucks up to the whole I I guess this is the style that she wants and it's her day so what she wants is what she wants is you know I I I understand why no one would want to text like hey bride can you explain this change because it feels inappropriate. This is her day

Raama: and you know what she says

Anna Martin: goes. So the group chat remains silent. The dress is different. So the dress was different. Um, but like I said, I the same way I didn't speak out in that text message conversation. I was like I was like, "Girl, this is a different color than we expected." And even then, she didn't say anything. And so I was like, "We'll make it work." Um, of course had to pay for tailoring and alterations. And I think that probably cost me 80 bucks. Um, and then in the leadup to the wedding, I remember we just had like a small quick chat, which she was like, "Hey, Rue, what's what's the plan for your hair for my wedding?" And I had it naturally curly at the time. And I was like, "Oh, probably something like this." She was like, "Oh, great." That was the end of that conversation.

Raama: Only reason I remember it is because I had to kind of look back in hindsight and be like, "Wait, what happened? What went wrong?"

Anna Martin: And I want to say probably a few weeks before the wedding, we get a shared notes app. um similar to like how people would utilize a Google doc which is like here's all the things you need to know ladies but like at at your fingertips which is here's all the addresses here's all the timings um

Raama: the big doc I've gotten many doc

Anna Martin: so it's like you have no there's no questions cuz all the answers are on the shared notes app

Raama: and it says you got it so um the the part that I saw it I glanced through it did not even think through it was this hair piece which was essentially saying, "Here's um the do's and don'ts for hair," which was like, "No slick back. Um she clearly slick back, bun, ponytail, um no braids." Like, she really wanted it to be either down or half up, half down. Like that's what she wanted the hair to be. And then it said,

Anna Martin: "Preferably lean into your natural textures." And then of course wanted it curly. Right. My mind I was like, "It's going to be down. It's going to be curly. All is well."

Raama: Gotcha. And I I want to just pause too in case anyone like

Anna Martin: these kinds of stipulations, whatever you want to call it, that's not rare in my experience. Like I have had these docks contain like your shoes should should not look like this. They should look like this. Your hair Yeah. No slick back like but also no down. Yeah. It's really extreme front. Really detailed.

Raama: Very detailed down to no color. My god.

Anna Martin: Nude shoes. open toe versus closed toe versus like don't come in with 6 in stilettos because you might be taller than like where we have you standing. So there are so many nuances that people forget about.

Raama: Um

Anna Martin: and because you'd had so many of these, I understand why you'd look at that in the notes app and you're already looking at the time I have to be at the makeup and at 7:00 a.m. And so you you're like, "Okay." And then here comes the little left turn that I made, which was essentially that I extended my LA trip um to the West Coast. And that essentially anytime I'm traveling for long periods of time, especially over a week,

Raama: a girly does not want to take so many products and and pack all that. So in my mind, I was like, she wants it down, she wants it curly. Let me straighten my hair and then I'll curl it. Did not think twice about it. And I remember sitting at the dress rehearsal the night before and we were in the church and I kid you not, one of the bridesmaids sitting next to me, which it's it's hysterical at this point and it's it's all love. But it was just like we dynamics and tension had happened and fallout had happened post undergrad. But the beauty of truly that wedding that happened the year prior was

Anna Martin: the first the traditional ceremony

Raama: was us really coming together and being like we're grown women. We're here celebrating someone that we all truly love.

Anna Martin: And we kind of fell back to old ways and catching old jokes, right? Running down memory lane. And so she felt comfortable to be like, "Rue, are you getting preferential treatment?" And I was like, "Come again." like

Raama: about what? Yeah,

Anna Martin: thank you. And she was like, "Your hair, it's not supposed to be straightened." And I, this is where sometimes I operate in dulu because

Raama: just being observational, both of them were very much in their natural state of hair, right? Which like,

Anna Martin: not to get into the dynamics, but like as black women, not everyone is going fully natural when it comes to like Gayla style events and and and and moments. And so I remember being like, "Wait, did I do something wrong?" And she was like, cuz I was like, "I'm I clearly missed a memo. Like there was clearly a gap." And she was like, "We were told we couldn't straighten our hair. She wanted it natural." Natural. And I was like, "Oh."

Raama: Oh. And you thought back to the note and you were like, "Shit."

Anna Martin: I didn't even think back to that note. In that moment, I was like, "What did And I'm like, "Where is this notes app? Like, did I read it wrong?" Because I remember I just all I took was curly either half up, half down, or down. And I was like, and I'm hitting those notes. Right.

Raama: Right. It was straightened, but then you had curled it, so it was curly essentially. But this bridesmaid's thing was like, did you get special dispensation to straighten your hair and then curl it as opposed to having a natural

Anna Martin: because they were told that they couldn't straighten their hair, but also I learned that because they were also asking questions that clearly I wasn't asking questions, right? Like they were probing to be like, "Let's like just to triple check what we read is correct, like is this what you want?" And so they got that clarification for me.

Raama: The clarification I guess happened on my birthday when she had asked and she had checked it where she's like, "Oh, I don't need to have this conversation with R." Because she's usually natural and curly. So when you are like kind of playfully, but also sort of not playfully

Anna Martin: called out for not doing this thing right or what the bride how the bride wanted. Yes.

Raama: I can puts in your shoes and I would feel really bad. Oh, I I felt like people pleaser here, right? And so that's when when the dress rehearsal ended and we were about to go to dinner. Um I was like, I'm going to I'm going to chat with her. And so they followed

Anna Martin: with the bride.

Raama: With the bride, caught her in the in the parking lot and I was like, "Hey boo, did I did I do something wrong?" And the conversation was so quick. The response was so quick, but it when I tell you that conversation like lingered because it was a quick no ru like it was not supposed to be straightened and she was like can we now go to dinner and that was the end of that right and it wasn't coming across as like there was no like attitude or anything. She was just like yeah you missed the memo but like can we keep pushing cuz like what are we about to do sit here and have a conversation about hair? Like that's I think what she was trying to come across

Anna Martin: in that moment. And I was like, "Oh, cuz now I'm okay." So then I proceed to go to the car and then it becomes this like unraveling of me processing everything. Yeah. What were you processing? Like bring me into your mind because ostensibly if you hear that conversation, you might be like, "Okay, that doesn't seem maybe so intense, but there's clearly emotional weight here." So So tell me about that. What was that?

Raama: I think what I was hoping in that parking lot is I really wish I got sort of just that quick girl Yes, that's not how your hair is supposed to be, but it's irrelevant. You're here. Like, that's all that matters. I love you. Like, let's move on. Right. I think if I got some kind of affirmation that it was not a big deal or it was irrelevant in the grand scheme of things because I'm like child if I told you how much I spent to be here now for the second time

Anna Martin: I get

Raama: and like and it's like this conversation just left me feeling even more confused like where was the miscommunication and like damn this made me feel like but like I don't think her intention was to make me feel like

Anna Martin: Yeah. and I washed out my hair for the next day. And it's it's not to like add insult to injury, but it's when you have your hair straightened and you try to bring back your curl patterns within less than 24 hours, it takes a minute. The volume is not the same. So, in the grand scheme of things, did a girl feel like a baddie on top of that neckline? Like on top of that neckline? I was like, "No, I'm sorry. I felt like a bad in the cinnamon. I felt like a 5-year-old at that wedding. To the point where people

Raama: So,

Anna Martin: wait. To the point where people were saying.

Raama: No, just even in this in this like press tour of this book, I'm like no one's going to see a daylight of these photos.

Anna Martin: You're like, that's not that's not

Raama: I'm like I don't feel like myself all the way in it, which is so sad to say because that was her goal. And I found that out so late in the game when we were sort of having

Anna Martin: her goal was for you to feel like yourself. Yes. I'm taking all this in because again it's like it's like we were saying with the dress. It's about the dress and it's not about the dress. It's about the hair and it's not about the hair. When you were in the car having this emotional reaction to your friend's comment, which as you're saying was not said in any kind of like dis. It was just it was short.

Raama: Yeah.

Anna Martin: Um it was Yeah. You didn't you know that wasn't right. I didn't ask for that or whatever the exact words are. But this this was so this was emotional for you because

Raama: and she didn't ask me to wash out my hair, right? Like I

Anna Martin: she didn't ask you. It's important. But it's because and what I'm hearing you say is it's because it put the emphasis on the hair, right? As opposed to

Raama: the friendship, the love, the support. And so you tell But it sounds like it felt like,

Anna Martin: huh, is all this other stuff I've done, all this love, all these years of for real, like hair. Is that how it felt?

Raama: Yeah. and I sort of started hitting on it, which is when we finally had sort of like the unraveling and and getting to the the root of the conversation. She kind of took it back to freshman year, undergrad days, which was like, remember that like we struggled to be fully natural and then we had to go through that journey together and like she practically shaved her head and I chopped it all the way like right below my ears and learned essentially how to navigate our curls together. And that was such a beautiful journey. And for her, this was like a celebration of it, but none of that was communicated. And I was like, "Child, if you had told me all this, I would have shut up." And I don't think she's trying to be a bad friend. And I don't think she's a bad friend. I didn't process this as her being a bad friend. It really, I think, if anything, solidified for me that I was like, none of this, like being in this role, experiencing any of this made me feel great about myself. So, I have to kind of take myself out of this. And that's where I was like, now I feel like I can for sure say I don't want to be a bridesmaid again.

Anna Martin: There you go. Not because of the hair of it all, but it was more so of just being able to say, "This role puts me in a position where I feel like I can't even be my full self, let alone vocalize my boundaries." So maybe choosing not to participate is probably the move moving forward cuz I clearly felt there was no moment even where she was like, "Girl, I'm your best like why couldn't you tell me in all these moments that you were feeling this or you couldn't afford this like and I was like I couldn't I don't know like it felt like someone had put a duct tape over my mouth but it's because when you're in these group dynamics when everybody has said it is her moment her day her season and you're telling us in the ways you want us to pour in and and and champion you and support you in this time I'm like I just was okay that's what she wants.

Raama: Yes. And I mean the duct tape imagery is really it's like you you couldn't say something because the boundaries of the role do not encourage that kind of dialogue that could be seen as push back. And it's interesting because it's like in this moment of you going through this experience washing out your hair um showing up to this wedding in a way that didn't make you feel physically great or even like emotionally yourself. That's when you come back.

Anna Martin: That's when you decide to write that resignation letter. Yes.

Raama: Did your friend read it and and how did she react if so?

Anna Martin: So she said something that kind of like really stuck with me which was ru I thought we were close enough and she was like I guess when you think about a friendship there's two POVs right like there's the version where there's the relationship that you see and the relationship that she sees. And for her, she was like, "I thought you can come to me at any time of like anything I like we're experiencing. If I've in any shape and form made you uncomfortable, I always just figured we would be vocal about it because we have that friendship."

Raama: Sure.

Anna Martin: Um but there is I mean there was huge learnings from it in the sense of being able to really cuz I'm like she had a point. If if you say this is somebody that you're super close to and someone you are yourself around and someone who knows the the the darkest secrets of yours, I'm like those people that I can confidently say

Raama: the same for, I can probably in real time be like, "Girl, this is not sitting well with me. Can we take a beat and take a pause?"

Anna Martin: Um, and I'm sure that a lot of folks can say that for their best friends and their core community. I still think that there is something about weddings that really just silence us up in a way where you don't know until you're in it and you're like

Raama: yes.

Anna Martin: Do you still maintain that you will not be a bridesmaid anymore?

Raama: Absolutely. Oh my gosh. I'm like I would never put myself through that again and it's funny because people are like what if your sister asks you?

Anna Martin: Yeah. Well, that's my question. Yeah.

Raama: And she's very much like you do not have to worry about me. I will be the girl who doesn't have bridesmaids. Right. And I feel like there is a little bit of that wave coming about. Um I don't imagine having bridesmaids myself. And

Anna Martin: that was one of my last questions, but you answered it now.

Raama: There you go. I will no I will not have bridesmaids. But there is a part in the book that I write and I say I'm not above this. Right. I like when I tell you I am sure if you give a mic to any of my close friends and and sisters and cousins, they'd be like she's a fraud. It's in the sense that I am so big on weddings. Like I was the girl.

Anna Martin: Interesting.

Raama: Yes, I know. I know.

Anna Martin: So, you don't like being a bridesmaid, but you do love weddings. And this is why humans are so amazing is cuz they're full of apparent contradictions.

Raama: Ah, yes. We're complex. We'll be right back. What do you love about weddings?

Anna Martin: Okay, I mean I blame media, television. It's just the things that, you know, has just been sort of engraved in us at a very early age. Whether it's the Disney princesses, the coming to America, um the TLC, right, the four weddings. Like it's so funny because I look back and I'm like I really was treating my friends weddings as like four weddings because I was like ah it's it's like a great example of how to know what to do, what not to do. But

Raama: it's like these weddings meant something to you. They meant something beyond the what do they mean? Like why why were you drawn to them? I mean we as women I I definitely look at relationship and life differently now but at the time I always I think the biggest core belief that I have is like who you choose to spend the rest of your life with is like one of the biggest decisions you will make right and so

Anna Martin: when you think back to like high school the girly moments of like wanting your your friends and the people that you love to find that Right. And then when they find it in a way where you're just like this is their person. You are into weddings because

Raama: helpless romantic.

Anna Martin: I love love. Yes.

Raama: You're into love. Which might not sound so radical. It's like, yeah, duh. Weddings are about love. But it's like your book and your resignation letter and this conversation have showed that there are all these layers of other stuff that's wrapping this core of the event, which is love, right? And so you could not want to be a bridesmaid but still feel so drawn and committed and in love with the love of a wedding. Okay. I want to like I feel you've spent so much time immersed in in this topic both personally and now professionally. You've written this book um called I hope you alope.

Anna Martin: In this book you have a bunch of tips and advice for people.

Raama: Yes. So if someone gets asked to be a bridesmaid, what should they ask themselves before saying yes?

Anna Martin: They have several questions to ask themselves. I think one is really being honest about their capacity. Whether that is just strictly do you have the PTO, right? And also understanding the season you're in cuz life stressors happen like are you in a career transition? Are you out of a job? Are you about to have a baby? Like there's so many nuances that you have to consider for yourself and then truly asking yourself financially are you able to take this on? You need to have your gap and your grace right like if you are telling yourself I can come in and spend 250 on a bridesmaid dress. What is also that wiggle room that you have to either go up 100 go up 50 and that is your boundary. And once you calculate the full cost after kind of running through everything, you can then be like, "Okay, I can probably participate as a bridesmaid. I just probably can't tap into a bachelorette, especially if it's a destination one." Then that sort of sets you up to be able to have these honest conversations up front, right? When you do say yes. And there is something of how our culture has made the bridesmaid proposal of it all whether that is a phone call a text that you just automatically a basket a proposal box right that you are automatically going to say yes if the ask comes to you right unless

Raama: it doesn't feel like there's an option to say no

Anna Martin: we are literally told that there's no option to say no because on the flip side of saying no is that friendship is completely over after the fact right that is just the assumption that's what's sort of brewing under But you were not supposed to be showing up as a bridesmaid for every single person that asks you to be a bridesmaid. Because in the same ways that there is that nuance of like showing up for somebody you haven't talked to in a long time, you're also asking why are they asking you to be a bridesmaid, right? Are they just filling in this like fifth person spot that they need because their partner has a fifth person as well? And so now you're feeling resentment and frustration on a whole another level because you why are you doing this for somebody who honestly just needed you as a placeholder and you fortunately boo the fool like said yes because no I have to be so real in that of being able to say like if it was even difficult in some moments for me showing up for the people that are like top tier my community and my core friends and family I can't imagine what you're feeling for somebody you're like they're asking me to spend $1,000 and I haven't talked to them in years.

Raama: If you run the numbers like you're saying and not only numbers, you weigh the financial costs very specifically. You think about the emotional cost where you are in your life like you said in terms of stress, can we add this other emotional lift on top? If you do all those things and the the answer that you arrive at is I actually can't do this. I don't have the capacity. I'm not able. How do you recommend that someone do this thing we're told you cannot do, which is say no, turn down this invitation.

Anna Martin: I mean, I think the best way to say no is to do it early and

Raama: and do it clearly and make it about what's real, right? Um, not what sounds nice, right? Sometimes it's I I love you and I'm so honored you asked me, but I need to be honest that I can't be a bridesmaid in this in the way this role requires or this season really requires. And then you say what that is, right? Whether that's financially, boo, this is like literally where I'm at or logistically or like, you know, I'm juggling family stuff right now. Um, especially like being responsible for so and so's health and like when the truth comes in, right? Like the specifics matter, especially when it's a close friend asking you to stand next to her on one of the biggest days of her life because a vague no can feel more hurtful than an honest one, right? And then give her I would say give her truly like something true to hold on to, right? And and I say that to say like I still want to celebrate you, be there for the wedding, and support you in a way I can actually show up well for, right?

Anna Martin: So it's like I I really like that because it's actionable. It's respond early. Don't delay because you feel bad or because you're So respond as early as possible so potential replacement can be found if needed. Although we just kind of talked about problems with that, but so respond early. Be specific and honest because you know this is it's not a secret, you know, why you can't do it. So be honest. Um

Raama: and then you're saying to what was the last thing you were saying? Be honest and specific. And then also just the way I worded it was like give them something something true she can hold on to, right? Because I think saying no and just letting her sit with that is like a oof. Like

Anna Martin: give her a different way that like propose a different way that you are able to show up. And I like those. I mean, let's think too about some actual. So it's going to the fitting obviously being at the wedding. Maybe it's even like you and I I don't know. I'm just now spitballing here, but it's like maybe we go for for dinner and I buy you dinner. That is different than like I don't know to celebrate just you and me. This

Raama: we could do a spa date together and like on whenever like you tell me a date and we can do a spa day my treat and it could essentially be when it feels like the stressors are really kicking in. I will be your reprieve for you, right? And

Anna Martin: why don't I come to your hair and makeup trial cuz you always need another set of eyes to let you know if that cat eye is too much. You know what I mean? It's like I really like that. It's it's here's this other way that I feel like I have the capacity to show up for you. Let's say if someone is runs all the numbers, runs the emotional cost as well, says, "Okay, yes, I do want to do this. I'm excited to do this, does it, and things start to feel tricky on the Bachelorette or with a dress or with some like in the moment you've already said yes, you've committed and things start to feel weird?" What are some ways that we can deescalate that don't include like crying in your room in the Hampton and in Swedes? Like what's a how can we deescalate? So anytime you've you're already deep in the role and you are noticing things sort of piling up, this is very much the moment to be able to then say very similar to the first advice, speak and speak early and

Raama: scary though.

Anna Martin: Very scary. And I think this is the this is why I'm like I truly hope that this book sort of gives people sort of this like shield because I'm like once people start talking like hopefully it becomes a little bit of the norm to be able to say, "Hey, can we pause for a second? I love you and I want to be able to continue showing up for you and supporting you. I cannot afford tomorrow's yacht adventure. I'm going to sit this one out." Tell me how that like how does that how do you feel about that? Can we just like sort of approach it as if it is a dialogue? You don't want to come in with like hard nose. Just be like, "Hey, I didn't expect this to come at me the way it has financially. I've been able to keep up up until this point, but right now that's going to just throw me a little over the edge. You know, I can't swipe that credit card and go into debt for a yacht, although I love you." and just like there's like humor and like reality that can all kind of overlap and coexist. And I think true friends will just come back and be like, "Girly,

Raama: I hear you. If you want to sit it out, sit it out. If not, there is I think people also underestimate the world of like if the bride can afford it, she'd be like, say less. I can cover that." I have heard of stories where it's like, I just wear the dress and show up. I don't need you to be anywhere else. I don't need you to pay for anything else. Just wear the dress and show up. Yeah. I mean it it does strike me that there's a real importance of obviously approaching and this is kind of like in any conflict right but it's it in this context it really does feel kind of radical to me because of it is so breaking the norm of not speaking up so it's approach early lead with compassion and truth

Anna Martin: and timing and timing and tone are everything right like you don't call her unreasonable like you're you name what's not working right you don't you don't go in and be like child, you are the issue. You say, "I love you, and I want this issue. I I want this to feel good for everyone." But this this part feels like a lot. Can we find a version that's more realistic? Whether that's you posing it to like change the entire group activity or if that's cuz you'd be surprised once one person chimes in, then another person's like, "Okay, I was thinking the same thing." Right?

Raama: This is what I'm going to say. It's like opening a little like the conversation you're starting with this article and your book

Anna Martin: and hopefully even this conversation too. I think it like opens a little window and lets in a little air.

Raama: It does.

Anna Martin: And I do think there will be a kind of I hope like a domino effect in the best way, not of people declining these things willy-nilly, but being able to accept this role of a bridesmaid in a full excited loving way that is within their means, right? That like that allows them to be themselves in this role.

Raama: Yeah. Raama, thank you so much for this conversation.

Anna Martin: Thank you, Anna. What a pleasure. I'm like truly one of my favorite conversations I've had in a minute.

Raama: If you'd like to read Rahama's bridesmaid resignation letter, we'll have the link in our show notes. The Modern Love team is Davis Land, Alisa Gutierrez, Lynn Levy, Reva Goldberg, and Sarah Curtis. This episode was produced by Sarah Curtis and Reva Goldberg. It was edited by Lynn Levy. Our mix engineer was Daniel Ramirez. Original music in this episode by Rowan Nemoto, Pat McCusker, and Dan Powell. Dan also composed our theme music. The Modern Love column is edited by Daniel Jones, and Mia Lee is the editor of Modern Love Projects. If you'd like to submit an essay or a tiny love story to the New York Times, we've got the instructions in our show notes. I'm Anna Martin. Thanks for listening.