内在感受与外在呈现的脱节
我们内心都有一种根本的渴望，希望被他人看见、被他人理解。希望别人眼中的我们，就如同我们看待自己一样：能干、胜任、聪明、风趣、有魅力——你可以选择适合自己的形容词。
英文原文
We all have a fundamental desire to be seen and understood. And to have other people see us the way we see ourselves: capable, competent, intelligent, playful, charismatic -- you get to choose the adjectives that fit you.但正因如此，当出现脱节、当我们感觉被误解时，那会让人非常不安，甚至是痛苦。
英文原文
But that's why when there's a disconnect, when we feel misjudged, it can be very disconcerting, even painful.几年前我在斯坦福任教时，我的一位学生劳伦来找我寻求帮助，想弄明白她在新工作中收到的一些令人困惑的反馈。劳伦自称非常害羞胆怯，尤其是在生人面前，因此当经理告诉她，新同事们觉得她很有攻击性且爱评判人时，她感到十分震惊。她怎么也想不通这怎么可能是真的。
英文原文
Several years ago, when I was teaching at Stanford, one of my students, Lauren, came to me for help unraveling some confusing feedback she'd received at her new job. Lauren said of herself that she was painfully shy and timid, especially around new people, so she was taken aback when her manager told her that her new coworkers were finding her aggressive and judgmental. She could not wrap her head around how that could possibly be true.在观察劳伦时，我确实注意到，当她感到特别紧张或胆怯时，会摆出一副极其严肃的扑克脸，身体姿态也变得僵硬紧绷。因此，劳伦内心所感受到的那种惊慌失措，在外人看来却像是一种冰冷、严厉的凝视。于是我鼓励她试着放松面部表情，在感到不适时尝试主动敞开接触，而不是封闭自己。
英文原文
In observing Lauren, I did notice that when she was feeling particularly nervous or intimidated, she took on a pretty extreme poker face and her posture became rigid and locked down. So what felt to Lauren from the inside like deer-in-the-headlights panic, looked from the outside like a cold, hard stare. So I encouraged her to try to loosen up her facial features and try to literally reach out rather than close up when she was feeling uncomfortable.我们在内心的感受，可能与我们在外在呈现出的形象截然不同。有一种普遍的误解，认为我们给别人留下的印象是非常主观的，完全取决于观察者的眼光。但我花了25年时间研究非语言沟通，探索人类用来评估可信度、自信以及领导力气场的关键信号。而核心结论在于，这其中存在着基本规则和衡量指标。
英文原文
How we feel on the inside can be very different from how we come across on the outside. There's a common misconception that how we come across to others is very subjective in the eye of the beholder. But I've spent 25 years studying nonverbal communication, researching the predominant cues that we as human beings use to assess credibility, confidence, leadership presence.特定的行为会导致听众做出非常可预测的评价。因此，如果你能更深入地了解哪些行为会导致哪类评价，你就能够更好地掌控自己所展现出的形象。今天，我想探讨两种极为具体的行为，它们对我所谓的**“可见的公信力”**有着巨大的影响。那就是你展现自信与能力的能力，从而让其他人能立即认可你的真正潜能。
英文原文
And the bottom line is that there are ground rules, metrics. Certain behaviors lead to very predictable assessments on the part of the listener. So if you can better understand what behaviors lead to what types of assessments, you can just be more in charge of the image that you project. And today, I'd like to address two very specific behaviors that have an outsized impact on what I call visible credibility. And that's your ability to project confidence and competence so that other people just immediately recognize your true potential.两大核心行为：有力的体态与发声
这两大核心行为就是挺拔的体态和有力的发声。我知道这听起来很老生常谈——坐直身子、大声说话——但恰恰是因为这些行为看似是常识，我们才没有觉得有必要去主动培养这些良好习惯。
英文原文
These two keystone behaviors are strong posture and strong voice. And I know that seems cliché -- sit up straight and speak up -- but it is precisely because these behaviors seem so much like common knowledge that we don't feel the need to actively cultivate these good habits.所以让我明确地讲一下。挺拔的体态意味着，如果你站立着，你的体重均匀平衡在双脚之间。无论你是站立还是坐着，你的脊柱和肩膀形成一个“T”字形。这一区域拥有实实在在的核心力量。我的脊柱没有任何游移不定。请注意，一旦我让脊柱变得更灵活松散，我的领导力气场外观会发生什么变化。所以这里要有实实在在的核心力量，即使我走上几步也是如此。
英文原文
So let me be explicit. Strong posture means that if you are standing up, your weight is balanced equally over both feet. And whether you're standing or you're seated, your spine and your shoulders form a T. This area has literal core strength. There's no wishy-washiness in my spine. Notice what happens to my appearance of leadership presence as soon as I allow more flexibility in my spine. So this has literal core strength, even if I take a couple of steps.接着，你的头部在肩膀上独立转动，就像三脚架上的相机一样，你的鼻子和眼睛应当保持一致并朝向同一方向。这意味着如果我看你，我的鼻子和眼睛都会直接对着你。如果我看你，眼睛和鼻子直接对着你。注意现在，当我的眼睛和鼻子稍微独立移动时会发生什么。我看起来很可能会显得局促不安。但我也可能看起来心怀不轨。或者顽皮狡黠。或者带有批判性。或者充满怀疑。
英文原文
Then your head moves independently on your shoulders, like a camera on a tripod, and your nose and eyes should align and track in the same direction. Which means that if I look at you, both my nose and eyes point directly toward you. And if I look at you, eyes and nose directly toward you. Notice what happens right now when my eyes and nose move a little bit more independently. I'm very likely to look uncomfortable. But I could also look sneaky. Or mischievous. Or judgmental. Or skeptical.所以关于体态的要点是：如果你希望别人评价你脊梁挺拔、头脑冷静，我鼓励你保持挺拔的脊柱和端正的头部。如果你希望别人形容你坦诚直接，就尽量正对着对方。如果你想与交谈对象建立更紧密的联系，就试着主动敞开姿态、伸手互动。
英文原文
So here's the takeaway for posture. If you’d like someone to describe you as having a strong spine and a level head, I encourage you to have a strong spine and a level head. If you'd like someone to describe you as being straightforward and direct, try to be straight on. And if you'd like to create a closer connection to whoever you're speaking to, try to literally open up and reach out.音量层级与表达效果
因此，我们将拥有强大影响力的人描述为拥有强大的声音，这绝非偶然。我喜欢用一到五级的刻度来展示说话声音的力量。对于音量来说，刻度上的第一级意味着你听不到我说的一个字。所以我实际上不会那么做。
英文原文
So it's not accidental that we describe someone who has great influence as having a powerful voice. I like to demonstrate the power of the speaking voice on a scale from one to five. For volume, one on the scale would mean you can't hear a word I'm saying. So I'm actually not going to do that.第二级有点像这样。低于平均水平。现在你能听到我说话——只是全靠你在费力去听。
英文原文
Two is a bit like this. It's below average. Now you can hear me -- it's just that you're doing all the work.第三级差不多像这样。第三级是普通水平，顺便说一句，大多数人平时就是以普通音量说话的。这挺好。也足够用。但仅仅是足够而已。我错过了很多建立连接和施加影响力的机会。
英文原文
Level three is about like this. Level three is average, and most people, by the way, speak at average volume. It's fine. It's adequate. But it's just adequate. I'm missing a lot of opportunities to make a connection and to have influence.第四级希望是我一直以来演讲的声音。在这一音量下，我正努力让声音完全传达给你，但这是一个浮动范围。这取决于房间的大小、声学环境以及情境本身。但四级意味着针对当前情境是最佳的。
英文原文
Level four is hopefully where I've been speaking all along. Now at this volume, I’m trying to come all the way to you, but it's a sliding scale. It depends on the size of the room and the acoustics and the situation itself. But four means optimal for that situation.（非常大声地）第五级就是有点过头了。（笑声）如果在第四级时，我确实在与你建立连接，那么到了第五级，你就会开始竖起心理防线。因此，从带来完美连接的第四级，到过头一步、带来适得其反效果的第五级，这其间有着巨大的落差。人们会筑起防备。大多数人凭直觉都知道这一点。
英文原文
(Very loudly) Level five is that one step too far. (Laughter) Where if, at level four, I was really making a connection with you, at level five, you begin to put up some boundaries. So it's a really big drop from four, getting you a perfect connection, to that one step too far, getting you the opposite of what you want. People will put up barriers. And most people intuitively know this.所以大多数人倾向于退守在平均水平的安全区。这也是我在合作过的所有群体中见过的最普遍的错误——人们安于平庸。但这是“好是卓越的敌人”的一种情况。因为如果你在任何一项技能上处于平均水平，你不会收到任何反馈，因为你表现得还可以。但你可能会错失变得出类拔萃的机会。
英文原文
So most people gravitate to the safety of the average zone. And that is the most common mistake I see with any group that I work with -- people who are willing to be average. But this is a situation where good is the enemy of great. Because if your average with any one of your skills, you won't get any feedback because you're fine. But you might miss the opportunity to be exceptional.性格缺陷还是技能差距
有时会发生这种情况：某人会出现我所谓的“仪表问题”，也就是他们内心对自己音量大小的感知或衡量尺度，与外部衡量尺度脱节了，以至于他们总以为自己说话的声音比实际大得多。这是一个非常普遍的问题，但我曾在一次研讨会中遇到过一个相当极端的案例。
英文原文
It sometimes happens that someone will have what I call a meter issue, and that's that their internal meter or measure of how loud they are is out of sync with the external measure, so they just think they're talking far louder than they are. And this is a very common problem, but I experienced a pretty extreme case of this in one of my seminars.尤金因为自己的观点在会议上得不到重视而感到沮丧。他会提出一个自认为非常重要的观点，却得不到任何反应。在给他反馈时，我问他是否意识到自己的音量明显偏小，按我的标准在二级或以下，而且他所说的话我有大约50%都没听清。他抬头看着其他学员问道：“是真的吗？”房间里的每个人都点头表示肯定。他们全都注意到了，只是出于礼貌没有提出来。
英文原文
Eugene was frustrated that his ideas were not being acknowledged in meetings. He'd bring up a point that he thought was pretty important, but receive no reaction. In giving him feedback, I asked him if he was aware that his volume was significantly soft, a level two or below on my scale, and that I was missing about 50 percent of everything he was saying. He looked up at the other participants and he said, "Is that true?" And every person in the room nodded yes. They had all noticed, but had been too polite to mention it.在那一刻，尤金恍然大悟。他一直背负着心理包袱，以为问题出在自己的性格上，以为是自己的观点太弱，或者自己不值得别人倾听。但他终于想通了：其实纯粹是别人根本听不清他在说什么。
英文原文
In that moment, Eugene had a realization. He'd been carrying around this burden, that the problem was his character, that his ideas were weak, or that he wasn't worth listening to. But it finally clicked. They couldn't technically hear him.需要注意的是，当我们收到反馈时，反馈往往停留在性格特征的层面上。即使是出于好意的导师也会给出这样的建议：“你需要展现出更多自信”，或者“试着更有魄力一些”，或者“试着表现得更亲切一些”。然后你只能在困惑中琢磨，自己到底需要调整什么具体的行为。
英文原文
It's important to note that when we receive feedback, it often comes to us on the character-trait level. Even well-meaning mentors will offer advice like, “You need to show more confidence” or “Try to be more assertive” or "try to be more approachable." And then you're just left wondering what exact behavior you need to adjust.作为一名教练，我深知通常被描述为性格缺陷的问题，实际上往往只是单纯的技能差距。如果你能找出需要纠正的具体行为，解决起来可能相对容易。
英文原文
What I know as a coach is that what is often described as a character flaw is really just a straightforward skills gap. And if you could identify the specific behavior that needed to be addressed, it might be relatively easy to fix.例如，在这次交谈至今，我一直努力遵循保持头部和肩膀平正平稳的准则。但如果我改变这一行为，做出大量多余的动作，我可能会收到的反馈是：为了展现更多的领导力气场，我应该压制一下自己的热情或激情。（笑声）你可以想象，如果我学到的关于如何展现更多领导气场的做法是“减少热情”，这会对我的心理产生怎样的影响。而当时实际需要调整的直截了当的行为仅仅是：“我能否在说话时保持头部和肩膀平正稳定？”这是一件相对容易做到的事。
英文原文
So, for example, so far in this conversation, I have been trying to follow the guideline of keeping my head and shoulders level. But if I were to change that behavior and have a lot of extraneous movement, it's possible that the feedback I'd get, that in order to show more leadership presence, I should tamp down my enthusiasm or my passion. (Laughter) And you can imagine what that would do to my psyche if my takeaway for how to show more leadership presence was be less enthusiastic. When the actual straightforward behavior that needed to be adjusted just then was” Can I speak with my head and shoulders level? That's a relatively easy thing to do.这些技能——挺拔的体态、有力的声音——并不那么复杂。我绝不是在暗示这是展现可信度与自信的唯一途径。如果由于某种原因你无法遵循其中一条准则，完全没关系。展示可见公信力的方法有很多。只是大多数人发现这些行为相对容易掌握，并且它们能带来颠覆性的改变。
英文原文
These skills -- strong posture, strong voice -- they're not that complicated. And I'm not in any way suggesting that this is the only way to project credibility and confidence. If you cannot follow one of these guidelines for whatever reason, no worries. There are many ways to demonstrate visible credibility. It's just that most people find these behaviors relatively easy to adopt, and they can be game-changing.真实性与镜头反馈
我曾经指导过一位年轻女士杰米，她自认为是个雷厉风行、非常有能力、具备领导潜质的人。但她的升职速度没有达到她预期的那么快。高层管理人员似乎就是不信任她。当我让她来到教室前面对着镜头进行互动辅导时，我注意到她发出的信号相当矛盾混乱。
英文原文
I had a young woman in one of my programs, Jamie, and she thought of herself as a real go-getter, highly capable, leadership material. But she wasn't advancing as fast as she thought she should. The higher-ups just didn't seem to believe in her. When I sent her to the front of the room for some interactive, on-camera coaching, I noticed she was sending some pretty mixed signals.让我来演示一下。她一开始站立的姿态非常拘谨且不对称，双眼低垂，而且说话声音单薄，尾音习惯性上扬。所以我先请她站立时把体重均匀分配在双脚上，双肩平齐。她照做了。然后我请她抬起视线，让头部端正。她照做了。接着我建议她舒展肢体手势，让动作更具互动性。她照做了。随后我鼓励她用饱满的声音说话，语调向下沉。她照做了。最后，我建议她真正把注意力集中在眼神交流上，试着去看着面前的人。她照做了。
英文原文
So let me demonstrate. She started in a very small, asymmetrical posture, eyes cast down, and she had a tendency to speak with a thin voice, using upward inflections. So I started by asking her to stand with her weight balanced over both feet and her shoulders level. And she did. Then I asked her to pick up her gaze so that her head was level. And she did. Then I suggested she open up her gestures so they'd be a little more interactive. And she did. Then I encouraged her to use a full voice with downward inflections. And she did. And then finally, I suggested she really focus on eye contact and try to see the people in front of her. And she did.就在那一刻，她看起来就像那个她自认为自信满满、有抱负的领导者了。我说：“杰米，看起来棒极了。感觉怎么样？”她说：“很假。这不是真正的我。”
英文原文
And in that moment, she looked like the self-assured, aspiring leader she thought herself to be. And I said, "Jamie, that looks great. How does it feel?" And she said, "Phony. This isn't me."当我们走出习惯的舒适区时，会感觉非常不自然。但保持这种姿态或那种姿态，并没有哪一种本质上更为自然。它们都只是习惯而已。而且，我不得不问，什么是“你”？你是你在内心里对自己的感受？还是别人从外在对你的感知？
英文原文
When we step outside of our usual habits, it can feel so unnatural. But there is nothing more natural about being in this position or being in this position. They're just habits. And also, I have to ask, what is you? Are you how you feel about yourself from the inside? Or are you what others perceive about you from the outside?尽管我引导人们有意识地使用这些非语言信号，但我也是真实性的坚定倡导者。但我并不认为保持真实意味着处于原始未经雕琢的状态，或者意味着不必做出很大努力，亦或是对别人的看法满不在乎。我对真实性的定义是：你用来描述自己的形容词，恰好也是别人用来描述你的形容词。 之间存在着一致与对齐。
英文原文
Even though I guide people to use these nonverbal signals intentionally, I am a fierce advocate for authenticity. But I don't believe being authentic means you in your raw state, or you not trying very hard or not caring what other people think. My definition of authenticity is when the adjectives you would use to describe yourself are the very same adjectives someone else would use to describe you. There's alignment.但如果你自认是一种形象，比方说充满潜力、准备好承担更多责任，但其他人并没有看到你的这一特质，那么改变你的行为以使他们能够看到这一点，并不是虚伪虚假。这是对齐。这是准确地展现你自己。
英文原文
But if you see yourself one way, and let's just say that's brimming with potential and ready to take on more responsibility, but other people are not seeing that about you, changing your behaviors so that they would see that about you, that's not inauthentic. That's alignment. That’s you representing yourself accurately.在实现这种对齐方面，没有任何工具比摄像机更有用。当杰米有机会从外部视角审视自己，看到前后的对比版本时，她非常惊讶，但她立刻有了动力去培养那些新行为，直到它们变成第二本能。
英文原文
And there is no tool more helpful for getting this alignment than the video camera. When Jamie had a chance to see herself from the outside, both the before and after versions, she was very surprised, but she became immediately motivated to cultivate those new behaviors until they felt [like] second nature.克服盲点与行动号召
人们普遍不喜欢在视频中看自己，但大家仅凭少量的镜头反馈就能展现出如此大的进步，其原因在于这其实无关能力。而关乎意识。我们几乎所有人完全有能力改变某种行为。我们只是可能不知道自己需要改变。
英文原文
It is fairly universal that people do not like to watch themselves on video, but the reason people show so much improvement with just a small amount of on-camera feedback is that it's not really about ability. It's about awareness. Nearly all of us are fully capable of changing a behavior. We just may not know that we need to.如果我们没有展现出自己最好的一面，通常是因为盲点的存在。虽然这是一颗难以下咽的苦果，但没有人——包括我在内——能够对盲点免疫。
英文原文
If we are not coming across at our best, it is usually because of a blind spot. And though it is a bitter pill to swallow, no one, including me, is immune to a blind spot.很多年前的一天，我早上陪孩子们玩耍，然后送他们去幼儿园。那天，当我在外面跑腿办事时，遇到的每一个人都带着灿烂的笑容跟我打招呼。就好像地球上被撒了魔法粉末，每个人的心情都好极了。但他们见到我似乎格外开心。
英文原文
One day, many years ago, I played with my children in the morning and then I took them off to preschool. And that day, as I went around running all of my errands, everyone I came upon greeted me with these big beaming smiles. It’s like magic dust had been sprinkled over the Earth and everybody was in a fantastic mood. But they seemed especially happy to see me.回到家后，我瞥了一眼镜子，才发现我早上和孩子们玩耍时，在脸上画了猫鼻子和胡须。（笑声）所以我在外面跑了一整天，脸上带着猫鼻子和胡须，却没有一个人向我提起。一个人也没有。
英文原文
When I got home, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I had forgotten that when I was playing with the children in the morning, I [had] drawn a kitty nose and whiskers on my face. (Laughter) So I had been going around all day long with a kitty nose and whiskers on my face, and no one had mentioned it. Not a single person.你觉得为什么会这样？因为他们以为我是知情的。我的意思是，脸上这么明显的信号，不可能是我无意造成的。所以这给了我两点教训，非常适用于我们今天的探讨。
英文原文
And why do you think? Because they assumed I knew. I mean, so obvious a signal on my face could not have been accidental on my part. So it taught me a couple of lessons that apply very well to our conversation here today.第一，你不能指望总能得到外界的反馈，因为大家多半会以为你心里有数。但第二，人们会根据我们发出的信号做出反应，无论我们是否意识到这些信号。这会产生互惠连锁反应。那天我回到家时整个人洋溢着正能量，而我当时的合理解释是这个世界变了，却没意识到这与我自己的表现有任何关系。
英文原文
First, you cannot trust that you will get outside feedback because more often than not, people assume you know. But second, people react to the signals that we send out, whether we are aware of them or not. And it can create a reciprocal reaction. By the time I got home that day, I was kind of bubbling over with positive energy, and my rationalization was that the world had changed. Not that I had anything to do with it.因此，我想提出行动倡议。勇敢一点。寻求外部反馈。有意识地去获取一个看待自己的外部视角。哪怕只是用你的手机在客厅里拍摄。既然你已经了解了展现可见公信力的一些关键信号——扎实的站姿、挺拔的脊柱、平齐的双肩、端正的头部、饱满的声音——你便拥有了指导自己的工具。因为好消息在于，诸如领导气场、公信力、自信心等品质，并不是某些人拥有而其他人没有的特殊天赋。这些都是技能。是你们任何一个人都可以培养的技能。（掌声）