性别偏见下的谈判困境与解决方案重构：关系型提问的力量觉醒
“我热爱谈判。
还有谁跟我一样？
只有四个人！（观众笑）
作为女性，我们在谈判中面临一个系统性难题。
当我们提出诉求时，
比男性更难以达成目标，
而且我们遭受反向打击的风险更高。
这导致我们错失机会、收入减少，
更糟糕的是，还会对我们的心理健康造成实质伤害。
你有没有类似经历？那个渴望争取的东西，
我们为此忧虑数周、精心准备并采纳所谓专家建议，
可谈判时却始终感觉不到内心的力量。
如果我告诉你：这正是因为我们一直以来被错误指导了呢？
如果我告诉你，有一种更合适的方式——专为女性设计、更具真实性的谈判方式，能大大增加我们实现目标的可能性呢？
我愿意分享一个亲身经历的故事。十年前，我作为MBA实习生有机会进入一家财富50强公司——那家我一直梦想加入的公司。
我在实习中表现出色，甚至提前一个月完成了暑期项目任务，并决定通过谈判争取调到另一支团队——这样我就能获得更多支持者，提升转正概率。
于是我在周一早上预约了实习协调员的面谈时间，并利用整个周末准备人生中最重要的对话之一。
但当我准时出现在协调员办公室门口时，10点零五分，我已经无意中冒犯了对方；到十点十分，我被告知“不再符合公司文化”，这意味着我失去了工作机会。
更糟的是按照公司规章，我还被安保人员护送出大楼，直接扔到了人行道上。
我的脑子一片混乱——刚刚到底发生了什么？
原来，我无意中触碰并违反了性别规范中的谈判禁忌，在一杯咖啡的功夫内就彻底摧毁了我的职业前途。
这次经历促使我开始研究性别在谈判中的作用——因为我不想让其他女性也像我一样被这种潜规则“黑箱”影响。
为什么？因为我们仍然在使用为男性构建的谈判策略！事实上，大多数专家建议都是基于这种模式。而正是这些“权威”方法让我在人行道上坐上了VIP席位。（观众笑）
相反，你应当采用一种叫做“关系型提问”（relational ask）的谈判方式。
这是谈判领域最容易被掩盖的秘密之一——但现在，是时候揭开它了。
哈佛大学的Hannah Riley Bowles和卡内基梅隆大学的Linda Babcock的研究表明，当女性采用关系型提问时，我们成功的机会大大增加，并且实际上能够强化人际关系。
杜鲁门大学的研究更进一步指出，这种方式“几乎完全消除了”遭受反向打击的风险。这意味着你可以放心地争取自己想要的，而无需担心因性别带来的那些“副作用”。
作为狂热的研究者，我已经查阅了13,000页的相关学术研究，并据此制定了一套公式化的提问结构。
这套结构由四部分组成：
- 过去表现（Past Performance）：你已经取得的重要成就是什么？
- 未来愿景（Future Vision）：房间里每个人真正想要实现的是什么共同目标？
- 提问核心（The Ask）：你希望达成的具体诉求是什么？然后我们要将它与愿景连接起来。
- 协作式提问（Collaborative Question）：通过一种协作的方式，让谈判走出“自我设限”。
为什么需要这一结构？因为在多年的女性辅导经历中我发现，很多女性因为想避免他人不适感而自我设限、主动削弱谈判力度。
“如果今年不在预算内也没关系。”——别这么说！你应该改用协作式提问，这才是关键所在。
这套公式意味着你只需两分钟就能构建一个完整的谈判结构，并且结合女性谈判成功的全部原则。
也许我应该举几个例子来说明它的操作方式？
例如，如果你原本只是说：“我觉得我该被升职了”，那么按照这套结构，你可以这样说：
“您知道的，我去年超额完成了销售目标的百分之十。我认为今年我也能再做到这一点——但为了实现这个，我需要一个总监头衔带来的信誉背书。您怎么看？”
这位女性成功获得了升职机会。
另一个例子：如果你原本只是说：“我想减少工作时间”，那么你可以这样表述：
“您知道的，我刚刚试行了一个新的员工入职流程并取得了很好效果。明年我们可以在全公司推广这套流程——但我需要根据我的高效时段来安排工作时间，通常是在早上。我们怎么才能让这事顺利推进呢？”
这位女性从此再也不需要加班到深夜了。
Original English
I love negotiating. I love negotiating. Anyone else? Four people! (Laughter) As women, we have a negotiation problem. When we negotiate, we are less likely than men are to be successful and we're at a higher risk of backlash. This causes us to miss out on opportunities, earn less and frankly, messes around with our mental well-being. Fun, right? We've all been there. There's something you want to ask for. So we stress about it for weeks. We prepare, we take all of the expert advice, and yet it never feels like we're coming from a position of strength. What if I told you that's because we've been given the wrong advice our whole lives? What if I told you there's another way, a better way, a more authentic way, designed especially for women, that will make you much more likely to get what you're asking for? I want to share a story. Ten years ago, I was an MBA intern with an opportunity at a Fortune 50 company, a company that I had had my eye on for years. I was doing really well in the internship. I actually finished my summer project in under a month, and I decided that my best bet would be to negotiate to be placed on another team halfway through the summer, because that's how, I thought, twice as many people would vouch for me and I would get that job. So I made an appointment with the intern coordinator for Monday morning, and spent all weekend preparing for one of the biggest conversations of my life. Monday morning arrives and I walk into the coordinator's office at 10 am sharp, ready to negotiate, just like the experts told me to. I was creased, pleated and pressed to perfection. (Laughter) By \:05, I had managed to accidentally offend the coordinator. By \:10, I was being told I was no longer a "culture fit," which meant I wasn't getting that job. As an added bonus, per company protocol, I was then escorted out of the building by security and deposited on the sidewalk. My head was spinning. What just happened? It turns out I had accidentally violated the gender norms of negotiation and derailed my career in less time than it takes to get a latte. That set me on a path to research the role of gender in negotiations, because I don't want any other woman to be blindsided by the secret impact gender has. Why? Because we continue to use strategies built for men. In fact, that's what most expert advice is. That's what I did, and it earned me a VIP seat on the sidewalk. (Laughter) Instead, you want to use what's called a relational ask. A relational ask is easily the most well-hidden secret in negotiation. Until now. Research by Hannah Riley Bowles out of Harvard and Linda Babcock out of Carnegie Mellon shows that when women use a relational ask, we are much more likely to be successful and we actually strengthen the relationship. Research out of Georgetown shows that this "virtually eliminates" the risk of backlash. That means that you can feel free to ask for whatever it is you want, and you don't have to worry about all of those things that maybe would have happened because of your gender. Like the nerd I am, I have now reviewed \,00 pages of academic research on this topic, and I used it to create a formula you can use to ask for what you want. The formula is: past performance, plus future vision, plus the ask and then a collaborative question. This formula has been field-tested by hundreds of women over the past five years to get promoted, make more money, and craft careers they love. Let me show you how it works. Past performance is what you've already done that matters. Future vision is something that everyone in the room wants. The ask is what you want. We're going to connect that to the vision. And then a collaborative question is really just how we get out of our own ways. Because after coaching women on this for years, what I found is that women are so wonderful that in order to avoid the possibility of someone else feeling uncomfortable, We'll negotiate against ourselves. "But it's OK if it's not in your budget this year." Don't say that. Instead, you want to use what we call a collaborative question. This formula means that it will take you two minutes to create your ask, using everything we know about how to negotiate successfully as a woman. Maybe give you a few examples of how this works, right? So instead of saying, "Hmm, I deserve to be promoted," you would use this formula to say something like, "As you know, I exceeded my sales targets by \0 percent last year. I think I can do it again this year, but in order to do that, I need the credibility that comes with a director title. What do you think?" The woman who used those words was successfully promoted. Here's another one. Instead of "I want to work less," you could use the formula to say something like, "As you know, I piloted a new onboarding process this quarter and it's getting great results. We can roll it out across the company next year, but in order to do that, I need to work the hours when I'm most productive, which is typically earlier in the day. How can we make this work?" That woman no longer works late into the evenings.系统性变革之外的行动空间：我们仍要为7900万女性赋能
现在，你可能会想：“这不公平。我根本不该处理性别偏见。”
你说得对——我们可以选择等待性别平等的到来，研究预测距离实现这一天还有191年。
（观众笑）
但与此同时，有**7,900万女性正需要现在就可使用的工具来争取成功的机会。
最近我听到一种新的声音：“AI会不会解决这个问题？”
我当然希望如此，我也曾一度相信过这一点。但不幸的是，事实证明AI的优势在于吞噬海量信息的能力——而这些数据中，大部分关于谈判性别研究的内容，研究人员称之为……垃圾。（观众笑）
你可能不知道我们每天要做出35,00个决定。而作为女性，其中很多决策都是围绕“别人需要什么”来进行的：老板需要什么？我的团队需要什么？我的孩子需要什么？
但我们只拥有这一生，而且你才是那个决定人生走向的人——不是你的老板、父母、伴侣或孩子。是的，是你自己！
因此，让我们摒弃那些“坏建议”，转而采用这套公式结构来争取你真正想要的人生吧！
分享给那些你关心的女性——你的家人、朋友、同学和同事。让每一个人都拥有争取理想生活所需的工具，让我们共同谈判出一个我们真正热爱的人生。
Original English
Now, you might be thinking, "This isn't fair. I shouldn't have to deal with gender bias at all." You're right. And we can wait for gender parity. Estimates are it will only take \9\ years. (Laughter) In the meantime, there are 79 million women who need tools to be successful, now. Another one I've been hearing recently is, "Well, won't AI fix this for me?" I wish that were true. And for a while, I thought it was. Unfortunately, it turns out AI's strength is in its ability to gobble up huge amounts of information, most of which on this particular topic is what researchers call ... Crap. (Laughter) Did you know that we make 35,00 decisions every day? As women, so many of those decisions are made to optimize for other people. What does my boss need? My team. My kids. But we only get this one life. And you get to decide what yours looks like. Not your boss, not your parents, not your partner, not your kids. You. So let's ditch the bad advice and instead use this formula to ask for what you want in your life. Share this with the other women that you care about, your family, your friends, your classmates, your colleagues, so that we can all have the tools we need to negotiate a life we love.谈判不是一场零和博弈，而是共创人生的可能性空间
感谢大家的聆听。
（掌声）