Hello everyone, I am Anthony. Welcome to my channel.

I want to talk to you today about a very common trauma in Chinese families.

In the past year, when I and many netizens were discussing their growth experiences, I find that many people are revising trauma or when you appeal to your parents, they will experience strong feelings of shame and guilt.

Although they feel that their parents have hurt them or think parents did not give themselves provide a safe environment for growth, but I always feel that my demands lack some confidence.

Sometimes I feel guilty because they feel after all, parents have invested a huge amount of money in themselves.

And in oneself, if you are still unable to repay your parents, you are not eligible to appeal or complain.

Of course, this concept is also shared by parents and society, intentionally or unintentionally passed it to them: 'The kindness of parents is not over yet, even if there is no merit, there is still hard work.'

Today's video, let’s talk about this metaphor of investment and why the logic of grace is wrong.

Before the video starts, let me say, I will post this video, put it in the list of "Psychology and Education".

If do you have any topic you want to discuss with me? You can contact my email to make an appointment.

So let's get back to today's topic.

First, I would like to share some cases.

for example, A netizen once told me, when I was a child, my father would beat and scold me, but he's very good at pretending to be a good father.

Once, He told others that his father had also beaten him. This is not an accusation, just a casual mention.

As a result, his father beat him again when he got home, because my father always wanted to give it to outsiders, create a good image for children, so I think he would ruin his reputation by saying this.

In his adulthood, His father held a coming-of-age ceremony for him. Invited many relatives and friends to attend, even his teacher.

At the banquet, My father listed a long bill. Show every penny you've spent on your children since they were young, even accurate to a red envelope.

My father emphasized how many luxury cars he could buy with so much money, how many luxury goods.

The guests at the scene expressed their feelings, "This is such a great father."

He felt strongly humiliated at the time. I feel that my parents' kindness is as heavy as a mountain, a lifetime is not over.

Another netizen grew up, there is also a strong sense of guilt.

His parents, I really like to use business language to describe the parent-child relationship.

In this metaphor, parents are investors or shareholders, he is the company being invested in.

Shareholders have the right to view the company's financial statements and operations.

So when he tried to maintain some boundaries with his parents, for example, not wanting to share your relationship status, when you refuse your parents to view your diary and chat history, parents will express strong dissatisfaction, believe that they should have supervisory power.

He has his own room, but you can never lock the door, parents can come in anytime. And the room lock is broken, parents are unwilling to repair.

When he tried to assert his rights with his parents, but always rejected by parents.

He felt that there was something wrong with what his parents said, but more often, he couldn't fight the guilt that welled up in him.

Another netizen's family is relatively poor.

Her parents didn't invest much money in her. She always eats the simplest meals, wear the cheapest clothes.

at the same time, Her parents made extra efforts to take care of her health. For example, she is never allowed to do housework. When I was sick, I was very attentive and never left my side.

However, This physical care, but it is often accompanied by brutal denigration and suppression.

Whenever she was disobedient or her grades dropped, parents will say some very nasty things.

She grew up in humiliation and loneliness. But I still can't express these hurts.

Because once she mentioned the pain of her childhood, the mother will in turn emphasize her hard work and dedication.

Over time, When she tried to find some room for explanation, when you express your feelings, in her heart, she will automatically regard her mother's care as converted to market value.

For example, if you hire a nanny to take care of you 24 hours a day, 18 years of care, even at a relatively low wage, that's a high fee too.

Think of this, she felt as if she owed her mother too much. All my demands have become unreasonable.

That's it. Let’s analyze the logic of this favor.

First, these parents believe, my own kindness, based on a series of resources that I have contributed unilaterally, or above capital.

This resource can be expressed in the form of money. For example, your parents pay for your schooling, I've enrolled you in various interest classes. Bought a piano, a computer, etc.

These resources can be listed, calculated and quantified.

Some more resources, reflected in the labor time devoted by parents. For example, your parents do housework for you, cook for you, and send you to school.

Although these labors do not directly cost money, but you can still follow the chef, tutor, Nanny and care worker salary levels, convert to an amount.

However, no matter what form of resources, their commonality is that they are quantifiable. Exclusive and Conservative.

In the eyes of many parents, the relationship between parents and children is a zero-sum game.

The total amount of resources is limited, it either belongs to you, either it belongs to me.

I gave you 100 yuan, my wallet is missing 100 yuan. I'll cook for you, I sacrificed my own rest time.

And a child, for quite a long time, they don't work and can't create wealth.

Even if the child works very hard, but it is unlikely to give parents a visual, calculated Returns.

So children feel that they have been, it is a black hole of ever-expanding deficits, a debtor.

The kindness of parents can be compounded.

For example, your parents paid for you to enroll in a training course, this is a cost in itself.

The emotional labor that parents put in during this process, for example, worrying and caring are another cost.

If the children do not appreciate, or they did not achieve the results that their parents were satisfied with. That's tantamount to breach of contract.

It is equivalent to the child owing an additional penalty for breach of contract.

In short, in the parents' narrative, the children's debts are constantly magnified. Eventually it becomes a loan shark that can never be repaid.

The only thing a child can offer, obey your parents' wishes, provide parents with a short-term emotional value.

then, There is no end to a child's shame and guilt.

In this family environment, a child, it is easy to develop a self-aggressive mentality.

I feel like my life is meaningless except wasting food.

In China we often see, news about children committing suicide because of trivial matters.

for example, In 2017, a 10-year-old girl committed suicide in Fengxian County, Jiangsu Province.

In her last words to her parents, she said you beat and scolded me, it's all for my own good, I want to continue taking care of you. But the teacher didn't let me take the exam, so there is no meaning in living, I just want to go to heaven.

Many Chinese media outlets criticize teachers and schools, at the same time, I feel sorry for the girl's understanding and innocence.

But few people realize, these look innocent and gentle, and considerate parents' last words, this is not the child's autonomous and voluntary emotional expression at all.

It is the result of children completely internalizing their parents' discipline and control. It is a rather distorted and unnatural state.

If parents could be more tolerant, so even if the school really doesn't let the children take the exam, it doesn't matter.

Many Chinese people appreciate sensible children, it is the lack of love and guilt itself.

As a child's ideal state, natural state, it seems that this is a person's nature.

But this is like, it is as foolish to praise a slave who voluntarily died for his monarch.

For example, in ancient China, some ministers or slaves would be coerced or bribed. Voluntarily buried with the master.

Then their voluntary, it was praised by later generations as a spirit of integrity or loyalty.

We as modern people, I can't appreciate this kind of atmosphere.

Because this kind of voluntary is completely false voluntary, it is the result of manipulation and oppression.

So, How can we refute the logic of this favor?

First we say, for the development of a person's mental abilities, the most important thing is not the material resources. or physical care.

That can only ensure that a person's body can survive.

However, Pure physical survival, it does not mean that a person's personality really exists.

The latter depends on the individual's psychological, Do you have an integrated and stable self-identity? A Flexible Emotional System and Social Connections.

The source of these abilities, it almost depends on the individual, emotional interactions with primary caregivers in early life.

The baby does not know "who am I" at first. He has a vague understanding of the boundary between himself and the outside world.

This awareness of “self”, it is through interaction with caregivers that, gradually built up.

Good emotional communication between parents and children, can make children, learn how to understand others, how to build intimacy.

One can even say, a person's total mental capacity, for example, self-efficacy, the ability to read minds, Language expression and emotional attunement, all are bred and forged in this furnace.

And it can nourish the person throughout his life.

This is the most valuable intangible resource.

Although the material basis is also important, but in the final analysis, it is just an instrumental value, it only makes sense to serve this kind of emotional coordination.

In the field of spiritual communication, emotion is the most real currency and capital.

This currency is compared to real-world currency, a completely different form.

First, it is non-exclusive and non-conservative.

It can stimulate each other and continuously increase value.

People's emotions are always directed towards an object. Even if the object is an object, people also anthropomorphize the object through empathy. Give it emotional color.

This empathy is essentially about conveying emotion.

That is, People always expect to get emotional feedback from others.

When he senses the other person's emotional feedback, the two people resonated, that's the beauty.

visible, Emotions can be continuously replicated between two parties. Expanded and value-added, rather than being conserved and finite like matter,

So in this emotional currency system, child, no longer a passive consumer and recipient, rather, it is the subject that can issue currency equally.

When parents give children a feeling of love, children sense this, they are also more attached and closer to their parents.

Parents feel that their emotions have gained resonance and resonance, then, This feeling between the two sides is getting deeper and deeper.

However, This emotion is immediately satisfied.

When I love someone, I am expressing my love, I already feel a certain satisfaction.

I didn't give the other person some kind of love, I feel like I'm missing love, instead, I feel more loved.

The same is true for trust.

When a parent is someone who tends to trust others, in their interactions with children, they tend not to suspect, monitor, or intervene frequently.

But in front of the children, show a relaxed, stable, and tolerant attitude.

They'll say, "I know you can handle it."

This is not the same as empty indulgence. That's just a no-brainer.

Rather than the potential of another person, have positive perceptions and expectations.

Trust makes children feel safe, you can explore the world, no need to worry about the punishment of failure.

When parents see their children trust, become more confident, proactive and independent, they will also learn from their children's growth, be more confident in yourself, confirm yourself.

This is a virtuous cycle.

Curiosity, the desire for knowledge, they do not rely on criticism, indoctrination, or it is cultivated through interest classes.

But in the daily communication and casual conversation between parents, naturally generated.

If the parents themselves are a person who likes to learn, active thinkers who are willing to explore, children can learn from what they see and hear, feel the wonder of the world.

Exploration and perception of new things, it is an everyday emotional state, it is also a pleasant way of life.

In the process, children do not feel that they are being “educated”, but in this atmosphere, this tendency is automatically acquired.

For example, he saw his parents communicating, new terms and concepts often emerge.

They will be concerned about an academic issue beyond survival. Go to discuss the debate.

The children will find it interesting.

So we say, truly good education can only be built on, the emotional interaction between two subjects, rather than a subject to an object, one-way indoctrination.

Those external resources and capital, in the final analysis, it is for, to ensure that this emotional interaction can continue to occur, don't be disturbed.

But the most fundamental thing, or is it this emotional interaction itself.

Human learning is essentially an interpersonal behavior, with another person, connecting to another object.

We seem to be alone. Studying through books or computers.

But these things, the reason why it can have a mental effect on us, because there is a person's perspective, emotion and guidance behind it.

The relationship between people and things, it is still a relationship between people.

It is because we believe in the author, the kindness and ability of teachers and parents, we are willing to trust the content they provide, and resonate, imitate, and integrate with it.

Human sociality, it can be said that, it is one of the most profound and advanced abilities of human beings.

This is especially evident in infants.

Compared to other mammals, when a human baby is in danger, he doesn't rely on instinct to find a safe space, to hide oneself.

To find my mother, go find someone stronger or wiser.

This is through attachment relationships, mechanisms for seeking security through interpersonal relationships.

It's very magical.

Nature did not evolve humans into an independent, self-sufficient animals, it's a completely different path.

Everyone is born weak. Unable to forage for food and protect against risks on their own.

But humans have an amazing ability to imitate, Empathy and language communication skills.

The great potential of human beings, it does not come from the strength of individual physical fitness, and it comes precisely from interpersonal relationships, the constant emergence of creativity.

In this mechanism, love, trust, imitation, encouragement, resonance, it forms the foundation of all human morality and culture.

And the metaphor of parent-child relationship as investment, and the logic of asking children to return the favor, in fact, it is to quantify material resources, as the key to a person's growth.

But what can really touch a person's heart, it can only be another person's heart.

Here we mainly discussed, a mutually subjective parent-child relationship, how is it possible?

Next video, let’s continue chatting, what do parents get from their children? And why it is said that kindness does not exist at all.

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I will post this video, put it in the list of "Psychology and Education".

Also recommend to everyone, check out my other videos in this list.

Thank you for watching, goodbye!