开场：从流行歌手到脱口秀演员的蜕变轨迹与K-pop痴迷
大家好，我的名字叫莎莲·凯伊。我最初的职业生涯其实是一名流行歌手，在娱乐圈奋斗了20年之后，我知道自己终于成功的标志是：我现在……成为一名脱口秀演员。（笑声）今天，在TED上，我想谈谈一个我一直痴迷的话题——K-pop（韩国流行音乐）。我们这里有喜欢K-pop的吗？（欢呼声）哦，很好。如果你不是粉丝也没关系，“直男”身份也完全没问题。（笑声）而如果你是K-pop的粉丝，还是一名“直男”，那你真的确定吗？（笑声）你可能会觉得成为一名K-pop明星非常困难。你需要搬到韩国，还要参加一整套的训练计划。但我今天要告诉你们的是——其实不然！成为一名K-pop明星其实非常容易，任何人都可以做到。而接下来的七分钟，我将向你们展示如何做。
Original English
Hello everyone, my name is Charlene Kaye. I actually started my career out as a pop musician, and after 20 years of grinding in the industry, the way I know that I've finally made it is that I am now ... a stand up comedian. (Laughter) And today, here at TED, I'd like to talk about something that I have been obsessed with for years, which is K-pop. Do we have any K-pop fans in here? (Cheers) Oh, nice. If not, don't worry, there's nothing wrong with being a straight dude. (Laughter) And if you love K-pop and you're a straight dude, are you sure about that? (Laughter) So you might think that it is extremely difficult to be a K-pop star. You have to move to Korea, you have to do this whole training program, and I'm here to tell you today that that's not true. It's actually really easy to be a K-pop star. Anybody can do it. And I'm going to show every single one of you how in the next seven minutes. Are we ready? (Cheers) Alright, great.K-pop女团与男团的“模板”与角色设定
在K-pop中，我们有女生团体和男生团体。如果你想加入一个女团？非常简单——你只需要超级可爱，但又不能太显年轻；非常性感，但又不能显得轻浮；非常硬核，却又不能太过男性化。换句话说，你得搞定男人所有要考虑的问题。（笑声）当你开始一首歌的时候，你不唱歌。你不唱。你要说话，而且要很多“vocal fry”音——就是那种沙哑、慵懒的语气。你说话，说韩语。（笑声）然后你会走路、走、走、开车、扭腰、摇动臀部，扇风、舔嘴唇、开枪、亲吻。然后主Rapper登场了，她拥有一些第一位女孩没有的东西——刘海。（笑声）现在我将以性感婴儿的方式rap。我是个野蛮人，你们都想讨厌我；但我现在要像Cardi B一样Twerk——只因为布鲁克林区是韩国的一个社区。（笑声）
Original English
So in K-pop, you have the girl groups and the boy groups. You want to be in a girl group? So easy -- all you have to do is be super cute, but not too young-looking. Really sexy, but not too slutty. Really badass, but not too masculine. You know, all the things men have to think about. (Laughter) So when you start the song, you're not going to sing. You're not going to sing. You're gonna talk, lots of vocal fry, you're gonna talk. [Something in Korean] Then you walk, walk, walk, drive a car, shake your hips, fan yourself, lick your lips, shoot a gun, blow a kiss. Then the main rapper comes in and she has something the first girl doesn't have, which is -- Bangs. (Laughter) Now I'm gonna rap like a sexy baby. I'm a savage, you all wanna hate me now I'm gonna twerk like Cardi B 'cause the Bronx is a neighborhood in Korea. (Laughter)歌词的“替代语言系统”：水果与枪支的文化隐喻
你可能会知道，韩国是一个非常基督教的国家，因此不能直接地唱关于性的东西。所以你改而唱水果——“吃我的草莓月亮”、“草莓圣代”，“你可以吃我的橘子”，“因为是我的生日”。把脸埋进我的桃子里，我的西瓜。樱桃是红色的，莓果是蓝色的——这并不是关于性爱的问题，我们只是真的非常爱吃水果。而在水果之后，“逻辑上”，你就会开始唱关于枪的内容了——我非常认真地说。但你必须保持可爱。别管韩国的平民其实是不能拥有枪支的事实了，你很可爱，但你也是NWA一员。（笑声）（欢呼声）
Original English
And then, you might know Korea is a very Christian nation, so you can't really sing about sex. So instead, you're going to sing about fruit. Eat my strawberry moon. Strawberry sundae. You can eat my tangerine. Cause it's my birthday. Put your face in my peach. My watermelon. Cherries are red and berries are blue. It's not about sex. We just really like fruit. And then after fruit, logically, you're going to sing about guns. I'm serious. But you have to stay cute. Never mind the guns are illegal to civilians in South Korea. You're really cute, but you're also in NWA. [N.W.A. The World's Most Dangerous Group] (Imitating gun noises) (Laughter) (Cheers and applause)K-pop男团的“性暗示”与食品隐喻
现在让我们聊聊男孩团体。首先，你要加入一个由二十三个肌肉发达、长相甜美的成员组成的团队，并且你们要一起rap一些性感的童谣。那怎么做呢？你只要把每句话都像说最下流的东西一样轻声细语地说出来就行了。非常简单，就像这样：“Twinkle, twinkle little star.” “Three little piggies go to market.” “Old MacDonald had a farm.” “Hey, girl，I’m a little teapot.”（笑声）现在是副歌部分了。你们人太多，无法每人一条歌词，所以我们大喊些什么？枪！接着所有男孩们同时喊起来：“调高音量！调高音量！表演时间！”关于枪的一句歌词。我们从来没见过真枪，于是我们小声地说“披萨、披萨”，但那是性感的。接着我们会唱更多食物，比如冰淇淋、辣椒酱、鸡肉汤、甜甜圈炸弹、黄油火锅。这不是关于性爱的问题，我们只是真的很爱吃。
Original English
Alright, now let's talk about the boy groups. First thing you're going to do is join the other members of your group who are 23 ripped twinks, and you're going to rap some sexy nursery rhymes. Now, how do you do that? You just gotta whisper everything like it is the filthiest thing you've ever said to anyone. It's so easy, just like this. Twinkle, twinkle little star. Three little piggies go to market. Old MacDonald had a farm. Hey, girl, I'm a little teapot. (Laughter) Now it's time for the chorus. There are too many of you for you each have your own line. So what are we gonna yell about? Guns! Then all the dudes yell at the same time. Turn it up, turn it up! It's showtime! A line about a gun. We've never seen a gun. Then we whisper a random food like, pizza, pizza, pizza. But it's like sexy. Pizza, pizza, pizza. Spending that cheese, I'm hot like a fever. And now it's a completely different genre. 'Cause there are still 20 dudes who haven't sung yet. We're gonna sing more foods like, ice cream, hot sauce, chicken noodle soup, donut, cherry bomb, butter fondue. It's not about sex, we just really like food. (Laughter) (Cheers and applause)必须拥有的“OBR”：雷鬼顿舞段的温度极值表达法
接下来，让我们聊聊一个在女团和男团中都会出现的现象。我称之为“OBR”——即“必有的雷鬼顿舞段”。在这个部分，你必须谈论自己要么非常冷，要么非常热——中间没有第三种选择。比如：“我非常非常冷，或者非常非常很热。”“超级、超级冷，除非我在炎热的时候。”
Original English
Let's talk about something that happens with both the girl and the boy groups. And this is something that I call the OBR or the obligatory reggaeton section. And in this section, it is mandatory that you talk about how you're either really cold or really hot. And there's no in between. Here we go. I'm either really cold or really, really hot. Super, super cold, except when I'm hot. I'm freezing like an igloo, I'm burning up a sweat trying not to sing in a Jamaican accent.K-pop歌曲结构中的“Dubstep舞段”与标志性动作
我们现在已经到达一首K-pop歌中最关键的时刻——也就是毫无理由地插入的Dubstep舞段。现在，我们该怎么跳？你将做以下动作：第一、像在连接1999年的拨号上网一样“卡顿”；第二，你将在《黑客帝国》中做披萨；第三、你将成为一个戴玻璃箱的性暗示小丑；第四，你将做愤怒按摩，并以“基督的激情”这一姿势结束动作。你们都记住这些了吗？很简单，我们一起做一次吧！
Original English
We’ve reached the most critical moment of any K-pop song, which is the dubstep dance break for no reason. Now how do we do this? You're going to do the following moves. Number one, you're going to glitch like you're connecting to dial-up internet in 1999. Then, you're going to make pizza in the Matrix. You heard me. Then you're going to be a horny mime in a glass box. And then finally, you're going to give the angriest massage and end in a pose called The Passion of the Christ. You guys got all that, right? It's so easy, we're going to do it together, here we go. (Dubstep music)最终高潮：升华与重复的歌词结构及标志性结尾仪式
我们已经到达了歌曲的最终部分。这一段通常有非常振奋人心的歌词，比如“像流星一样闪耀”或“攀登到山顶”。它一般如此展开：“我将如流星般闪耀，我将为了你登上山顶。”随后所有歌曲元素突然回归，并由声音最高亢的成员进行超量表演。接着，你会以一个被称为“Magic Mike”的动作结束：让所有人打开手机闪光灯。“我将登顶！我非常冷或非常热。”“Old McDonald养了一只牛。”“草莓圣代！”（枪声）“你可以吃我的橘子”（枪声），“我是一个小小的茶壶。”（欢呼）（掌声）
Original English
We reached the finale of the song. This part usually has really uplifting lyrics, like "shining like a shooting star" or "climbing to the top of a mountain." And it goes just like this. (Music) I am gonna shine like a shooting star. I am gonna climb to the mountain top just to be with you. Then every element of the song randomly comes back, and the person with the highest voice in the group does way too much. Then you end in a move called the Magic Mike, Everyone turn their phone flashlights on. I am gonna climb to the mountaintop. I'm either really cold or I'm really hot. Old McDonald had a farm. Strawberry sundae. (Gun sound effects) You can eat my tangerine. (Gun sound effects) I'm a little, I'm a little teapot. (Cheers) (Applause)结语：从“模仿”到成为的仪式性宣言与观众互动高潮
祝贺你们，你现在已成为一位K-pop超级明星。（欢呼）非常感谢你们！（热烈的掌声）