挑剔的择偶清单与苛刻的身高门槛
我和我的客户坐在一起。我们姑且叫她丽莎（Lisa）。她直视着我的眼睛，告诉我她已经准备好进入一段恋爱关系了。于是我问她想找什么样的伴侣。“要善良、能给予情绪回应、顾家。”太好了，我们有了一个良好的开端。接着她告诉我她的硬性条件（deal breakers）：“不能自私、不能不诚实、不能对服务人员无礼。”是的，合情合理。然后她又补充道：“身高不能低于六英尺（约183厘米）。”（笑声）
英文原文
I'm sitting with my client. Let's call her Lisa. She looks me straight in the eye and tells me she's ready for a relationship. So I ask what she's looking for in a partner. Someone kind, emotionally available, family-oriented. Great. We're off to a good start. She then tells me her deal breakers. No one who’s selfish, dishonest [or] rude to service staff. Yes, reasonable. She then adds, no one under six feet tall. (Laughter)嗯……我不是来评判的——我们每个人都有自己的标准清单。但是六英尺的身高要求？这笔账根本算不过来。在美国，只有大约 14% 的男性身高在六英尺或以上。她的约会池瞬间缩成了一个小水坑。
英文原文
Hmm. I’m not here to judge -- we all have our lists. But the six-foot height requirement? The math isn't mathin'. In America, about 14 percent of men are six feet or taller. Her dating pool just turned into a puddle.自我设限的寻爱怪圈与“关系衰退”
我现在并不是单纯拿身高说事。你可以把身高替换成社会地位、收入、长相，或者对方是不是狮子座，又或者老天保佑千万别是双子座。（笑声）具体细节在变，但模式始终如一：人们嘴上说着渴望爱情，却亲手淘汰了那些本可以一同构建爱情的人。
英文原文
Now I’m not here to just pick on height. You know, replace that with status, income, looks, if they're a Leo or, God forbid, a Gemini. (Laughter) The specifics change, but the pattern remains the same. People say they want love and then eliminate the very people they can build it with.作为约会专栏作家以及“分手训练营”（breakup bootcamps）的创办者，这二十年来我见多了这种情况。我帮助过那些长期单身、困在暧昧关系（situationship）炼狱中的人，建立起健康持久的关系。但前提是，他们必须先停止去做那些自以为是在保护自己的行为。这就是我们今天要深入探讨的内容。
英文原文
I've seen this for two decades as a dating columnist and running “breakup bootcamps.” I've helped people who were perpetually single, stuck in situationship purgatory, create healthy, lasting relationships. But only after they stopped doing the very thing they thought was protecting them. That's what we're going to unpack.人们不再像以前那样建立恋爱关系了。去年，Match 机构与金赛研究所（Kinsey Institute）的一项研究发现，半数美国单身人士全年的约会次数为零。（笑声）研究人员警告称，我们正处于一场“关系衰退”之中。（笑声）
英文原文
People are not forming relationships like they used to. Last year, a study by Match and the Kinsey Institute found that half of US singles went on a total of zero dates. (Laughter) Researchers are warning we are in a “relationship recession.” (Laughter)阻碍建立连接的三大力量：大脑机制、文化与技术
那么究竟是什么在推动这一切？有三种力量在与我们作对：我们的大脑、我们的文化，以及科技。
英文原文
So what's driving this? There are three forces working against us: our brain, our culture and technology.我们先从大脑说起。人类在进化过程中形成了负面偏差（negativity bias）。十万年前，如果你漏掉了一个威胁——草丛里的一只老虎，脚边的一条毒蛇——你可能就会丧命。所以大脑变得极其擅长扫描危险信号。在过去，这种生理机制让我们祖先得以生存；然而在今天，同样的机制却对我们的约会生活造成了严重破坏。
英文原文
Let's start with the brain. Human beings evolved with negativity bias. A hundred thousand years ago, if you missed a threat -- a tiger in the grass, a snake by your foot -- you could die. So the brain got really good at scanning for signs of danger. Now this wiring kept our ancestors alive. This same wiring is wreaking havoc on our dating lives.想象一下你正在约会。大概过了一个小时，交谈十分融洽，对方被你的笑话逗乐，接着他们提到自己平时不怎么看书，更喜欢听播客。（笑声）你脑中的警报瞬间拉响，开始感到恐慌：“这人还有什么毛病？”（笑声）
英文原文
Imagine you're on a date. About an hour in, the conversation's flowing, they're laughing at your jokes, and then they tell you they don't really read books. They prefer podcasts instead. (Laughter) An alarm bell goes off in your brain and you start panicking. "What else is wrong with this person?" (Laughter)一旦你的大脑开始搜寻缺点，它就会在所有地方找到瑕疵。突然之间，他们咀嚼的声音显得太响了；他们的眼神接触不够充分；他们的眼神接触又太过了；他们刚才是不是把 GIF 念成了 JIF？（笑声）你的大脑判定这个人不再是一个恋爱候选人，直接把他们打入了冷宫名单（ick list）。
英文原文
Once your brain starts scanning for flaws, it starts finding them everywhere. Suddenly, the way they chew is a little too loud. They're not making enough eye contact. They're making too much eye contact. Did they just say JIF instead of GIF? (Laughter) Your brain decides this person is no longer a romantic prospect and banished to the ick list they go.如果这仅仅是大脑的构造问题，我们或许还能去克服它。但还有第二种力量在与我们作对：我们的文化。我们的文化已经把挑刺变成了一项全民运动。只要刷刷社交媒体，你看到的是什么？约会恐怖故事、需要提防的危险信号（red flags）。这导致了整整一代约会者动辄感到嫌恶（quick to ick），总是在寻找哪里可能出问题，而不是哪里可能走上正轨。不切实际的期望被包装成了“高标准”，个人的小习惯被上升成了不可调和的底线。
英文原文
Now if this were just about our brains’ wiring, we could override this. But there’s a second force working against us: our culture. Our culture has turned flaw-hunting into a collective sport. Just scroll through social media. What do you see? Dating horror stories. Red flags to look out for. It's resulted in a generation of daters who are quick to ick, constantly looking for what could go wrong instead of what could go right. Unrealistic expectations get rebranded as “high standards.” Quirks become deal breakers.我在工作中经常看到这种情况，我自己也曾犯过同样的错误。某个周六的早晨，我和朋友维沙尔（Vishal）一起散步去买咖啡。维沙尔是个超级人脉王，认识所有人。当时我已经单身五年了，便问他有没有合适的人可以介绍给我。我还记得他眼中兴奋的眼神，他说：“天哪，我有个最合适的人选给你。他超级聪明、风趣，真的是个大好人。”
英文原文
I see this constantly in my work, and I'm guilty of it, too. One Saturday morning, I'm walking with my friend Vishal to get a coffee. Vishal is a superconnector. He knows everyone. I was single for five years, so I asked if he had anyone to set me up with. I remember the look of excitement in his eyes when he's like, "Oh my gosh, I have the best person for you. He's super smart, he's funny, really good guy."接着他拿出手机，给我看那个人的照片。我瞧了一眼：一个深色头发的男人，半倚在椅子上，嘴角带着一抹半笑。他身上散发着一种……傲慢金融男的气质。（笑声）于是我把手机递还给维沙尔，问他还有没有别人。（笑声）这么说吧，维沙尔之后再也没有尝试给我介绍过任何人。
英文原文
He then takes out his phone and shows me his picture. I take a look. It's a guy with dark hair and he's leaning back in a chair with half a grin. He was giving ... cocky-finance-bro vibes. (Laughter) So I hand the phone back to Vishal and asked if he had anyone else. (Laughter) Let's just say Vishal never tried to set me up with anyone ever again.当时我仅凭一张照片就草率地下了评判。但设想一下，如果每天做一百次这样的判断呢？这就引出了第三种力量：科技。约会软件改变了我们认识人的方式，但也改变了我们看待人的方式。无尽的选择训练我们像组装泰迪熊（Build-a-Bear）一样拼凑伴侣：我要这个身高、这个收入水平、这种爱的语言，定制出一个完美的人，然后加入购物车。（笑声）
英文原文
Now I made a snap judgment off of one photo. But imagine doing this a hundred times a day. This brings me to the third force: technology. Dating apps have changed the way we meet people, but they've also changed the way we think about people. The endless options train us to assemble partners like Build-a-Bear. I'll take this height, this income level, this love language, customize a perfect person and add to cart. (Laughter)不仅如此，社交媒体上表演式的浪漫成了新的童话。我们拿现实中的活人和那些经过精心策划、加了滤镜、修饰得完美无瑕的高光集锦作对比。毫无疑问，没有人能达到这种标准。
英文原文
On top of that, performative romance on social media has become the new fairy tale. We compare real human beings with curated, filtered, perfected highlight reels. Of course, nobody measures up.耀眼特质与沉静特质：什么才真正预测持久的爱？
所有这些都指向了同一个问题：我们在追逐耀眼的特质——那些写在纸上好看、能迎合虚荣心的东西。可你知道吗？在 6 到 24 个月之后，那清晰分明的下颌线、那如丝般顺滑的头发？你的大脑会适应。心理学家称之为“享乐适应”（hedonic adaptation）。曾经吸引你、让你小鹿乱撞的东西，会变成新的常态。我们过度优化了那些褪色最快的东西。
英文原文
It all points to the same problem. We are chasing shiny qualities. The things that look good on paper, that appeal to the ego. But guess what? In six to 24 months, that chiseled jawline, that silky-smooth hair? Your brain adapts. Psychologists call this hedonic adaptation. What once drew you in and gave you butterflies becomes the new normal. We are over-optimizing for what fades the fastest.那么，到底什么能预测持久的爱呢？一位名叫萨曼莎·乔尔（Samantha Joel）的教授想弄清楚这一点。她召集了一支由 85 位科学家组成的团队，共同分析了来自 11,000 对伴侣的数据。结果表明，我们一直在寻找错误的东西。我们在约会初期所痴迷的所有那些外在耀眼的特质，对于预测一段关系是否幸福或稳定几乎毫无作用。
英文原文
So what actually does predict lasting love? A professor named Samantha Joel wanted to find out. So she assembled a team of 85 scientists, and together, they analyzed data from 11,000 couples. Turns out, we've been looking for the wrong things. All that stuff we obsess over in the early stages of dating, the shiny qualities, had almost zero ability to predict if a relationship would be happy or stable.但你知道什么起作用吗？沉静的特质：
- 伴侣是否对你有承诺
- 你是否感到被对方重视
- 你们共同应对冲突的能力如何
这些东西只有在某个普通的周二你生病时才会体现出来，他们不用你开口就会给你端来一碗热汤。我们在低估那些真正具有长期价值的东西。
英文原文
But you know what did? The quiet qualities. Whether your partner is committed to you. Whether you feel appreciated by them. How well you handle conflict together. The stuff that only shows up on a random Tuesday when you’re sick, and they bring you soup without you having to ask. We are undervaluing what matters in the long term.重构连接的三大行动方案
那么我们该如何应对呢？
首先，建立一次连接重启。我们知道在约会时，大脑总是在寻找哪里可能出问题。但对此有一剂解药：敬畏感（awe）。敬畏感是身处某种浩大、超越自我的事物面前所体会到的感受。研究表明，体验敬畏感能让人更加开放、更具好奇心、更愿意与他人建立连接。而且你不需要等日食才能感受它，完全可以通过“微剂量”的方式来培养敬畏感：听一首打动你的歌、看一场日落，哪怕只是看一段北极光的视频也能激发敬畏感。所以在下次去约会前，花 15 分钟培养一下敬畏感，这会让你的大脑进入渴望连接的状态，而不是挑刺状态。
英文原文
So what do we do about this? First, create a connection reset. We know [that] on a date, your brain is looking for what could go wrong. But there's an antidote to this. Awe. Awe is that feeling of being in the presence of something vast, something bigger than yourself. Research shows that experiencing awe makes people more open, more curious, more connected to others. And you don't have to wait for a solar eclipse to feel it. You can actually cultivate awe in micro-doses. Listen to a song that moves you. Watch the sunset. Even watching a video of the Northern Lights can spark awe. So next time before you go on a date, spend 15 minutes cultivating awe. This will prime your brain for connection instead of critique.其次，分清原则底线与个人偏好。原则底线是那些会让健康关系根本无法维系的事物：比如你们的核心价值观存在分歧，或者你想要孩子而对方不想要。然而，偏好只是加分项（nice-to-have），而非必需项（need-to-have）。如果对方和你一样热爱徒步，那当然很好；但这会决定一段关系的成败吗？不会。
英文原文
Next, know the difference between a deal breaker and a preference. A deal breaker is something that would make a healthy relationship impossible. You have different core values. You want children, they don't. A preference, though, is a nice-to-have, not a need-to-have. Would it be nice if they liked hiking as much as you do? Sure. But will it make or break a relationship? No.第三，开展你自己的约会实验。下决心去和那些不符合你传统“理想型”的人约会。别再对那些耀眼的特质赋予过高权重，认真思考一段伴侣关系中真正重要的是什么——不仅是看两个月后，而是看二十年之后。
英文原文
Third, conduct your own dating experiment. Commit to going on dates with people outside of your type. Stop putting so much weight on the shiny qualities and consider what actually matters in a partnership. Not just in two months, but in 20 years.破除成见与七年的真实相伴
一个阳光明媚的早晨，我坐在沙发上刷着约会软件，和一个男生配对成功了。他有一头棕发、略显蓬乱的胡茬，带着温暖的笑容。在一番来回发信息之后，很显然我们有一个共同的朋友——维沙尔。（笑声）
英文原文
One sunny morning, I’m on my couch, and I’m scrolling through a dating app. I match with this guy. He’s got brown hair, a scruffy beard and a warm smile. After messaging back and forth, it's apparent that we have a friend in common, Vishal. (Laughter)于是我给维沙尔发了短信：“嘿，你认识一个叫保罗（Paul）的人吗？”维沙尔立刻把电话打了过来，他说：“艾米（Amy），我当初就想撮合你和他，但你拒绝了。”（笑声）“还记得那张傲慢金融男的照片吗？”原来那张照片是在保罗学滑雪时在初级雪道上摔了个狗吃屎的时候拍的。哎呀。
英文原文
So I text Vishal. "Hey, do you know this guy named Paul?" Vishal calls me right away. He’s like, "Amy, I tried to set you up with him and you said no." (Laughter) “Remember the photo of the cocky finance bro?” Turns out that was taken when Paul face-planted on the bunny hill while learning how to ski. Oops.我们现在在一起已经七年了。（掌声）这是我经历过最健康的一段关系，但绝不是按照 Instagram 标准来定义的那种健康。
英文原文
We've now been together for seven years. (Applause) It's the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. But not by Instagram standards.几年前，我父亲病重。我花了一年时间陪伴他走过生命的最后阶段。我们进进出出急诊室，整个人完全崩溃了。我觉得自己仿佛碎成了千百片，成了一个空壳，相处起来一点也不让人愉快。但保罗从未让我觉得自己是个负担，他准确地知道我何时需要一个拥抱，何时需要个人空间。他会给我做饭。而且因为他知道我总是忘记喝水，每天早晨他都会装满一壶水放在我的书桌上。直到今天他依然这么做。看来我的爱的语言就是补充水分。（笑声）
英文原文
A few years ago, my father got really sick. I spent a year helping him in his last stage of life. We were in and out of the emergency room, and I was so overwhelmed. I felt like I was breaking into a million pieces. I was a shell of a human being and not fun to be around. Paul never made me feel like I was too much. He knew exactly when I needed a hug or when I needed space. He would cook me meals. And because he knows that I always forget to drink water, every morning, he would fill a pitcher of water and place it on my desk. He still does that to this day. Apparently my love language is hydration. (Laughter)这些并不是什么惊天动地的宏大举动，全都是平淡无奇、毫不性感的琐事；是那些不会有人拍照、也不会被发到社交平台网格照片墙上的事。但这正是一段伴侣关系中真正重要的东西。一想到我差点因为自己凭草率评判编造的故事，而错失七年我所知道的最健康的爱……
英文原文
These aren't grand gestures. It's the boring, unsexy stuff. The stuff that doesn't get a photo op or make it to the grid. But it's what actually matters in a partnership. To think I almost lost seven years of the healthiest love I know because of a story I made in a snap judgment.所以，我想留给大家思考的问题是：如果你用来自我保护的那个过滤器，恰恰是阻碍你建立渴望之连接的罪魁祸首呢？因为适合你的那个人，可能并不会以你预期的包装出现：他们可能比你设想的要矮，比你想象的要安静，与你惯常喜欢的类型截然不同；但在你挣扎艰难时，他们可能充满善意；在生活陷入困境时，他们可能沉稳可靠；在最初的激情归于更为深沉的情感之后，他们依然一次又一次地陪伴在你身旁。
不要让一张糟糕的照片、一次草率的评判或肤浅的偏好让你错失这一切。请确保你的过滤器正在筛选真正正确的东西。谢谢。（掌声）