倾听的心理障碍：将倾听误认为认同
要知道，有些事情非常奇怪，因为我们大多数人都认为自己应该成为更好的倾听者，但正如我在研究中发现的那样，我们觉得这太难了，尤其是在我们存在分歧的时候。有一种心理层面的“漏洞”在阻碍着我们。我们害怕如果去倾听那些观点让我们无法接受的人，我们就会在不知不觉中被同化。我们误信了一个危险的迷思——倾听意味着认同。倾听意味着认同。
英文原文
You know, there's something quite strange going on, because most of us believe we should be better listeners, but, as I found in my research, we find it so hard, especially when we disagree. There's a kind of psychological bug that gets in the way. We fear that if we listen to people whose ideas we find unpalatable, we'll be contaminated without realizing it. We've bought into a dangerous myth -- listening means agreeing. Listening means agreeing.因此我们避开倾听，相反，我们一心只想着更大声、更激烈、更坚持地表达自己。“要是他们能理解就好了。”
英文原文
So we avoid it, and instead, we fixate on trying to explain ourselves more loudly, more fiercely, more insistently. "If only they'd understand."埃塞俄比亚采访的教训
说实话，我是深有体会的，因为我曾经就丢掉过一个千载难逢的机会，没能去理解一位非洲最引人入胜且位高权重的领导人，就因为当时我还没有准备好去倾听。所以让我跟你们讲讲我在埃塞俄比亚的一段经历，那是我职业生涯初期为 BBC 做报道的时候。
英文原文
You know, I should know, because I threw away a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to understand one of Africa's most intriguing and powerful leaders, because I wasn't ready to listen. So let me tell you about a time when I was in Ethiopia, reporting for the BBC at the start of my career.我争取到了对其总统（后来的总理）梅莱斯·泽纳维的专访。我当时非常自豪，这是我的独家重大新闻。但那也是一个他的反对者遭受酷刑或失踪的时期。因此这位总统当时非常渴望谈论他在玉米、高粱和大麦产量上创下的纪录，这对于一个有饥荒历史的国家来说至关重要。
英文原文
I landed an interview with its president and later prime minister, Meles Zenawi. I was so proud. This was my big scoop. But it was also a time when his opponents were tortured or disappeared. So the president, he was keen to talk about his record crop production of maize, of sorghum and barley, critical in a country with a history of famine.但我拒绝倾听，不断地把话题绕回到人权问题上。说实话，我的提问只是掩盖我想与总统正面对抗这一欲望的伪装。而他做了什么呢？在巨大的木制办公桌后面，他把身子挪得离我越来越远，随后提前结束了采访。
英文原文
But I refused to listen, incessantly circling back to human rights. To be honest, my questions, they were masks for my desire to confront the president. And what did he do? He edged further and further away from me, behind his vast wooden desk, and then cut the interview early.要知道，这并不完全是因为我向总统问责是错的。那确实必不可少，但我的好奇心匮乏以及倾听能力的缺失，让他筑起了防备，于是我空手而归。
英文原文
You know, it wasn't so much that I was wrong to hold the president to account. That was essential, but my lack of curiosity and my inability to listen caused him to put up his defenses, and so I walked away empty-handed.什么是深度倾听
多年以来，我从自己作为记者的失误以及高管教练的工作中吸取教训，并借鉴了学者、心理学家与和平建设者的思想，我将这些想法融合成了一本书，以及一种我称之为“深度倾听”的方法。
英文原文
And over the years, I've learned from my mistakes as a journalist and my work as an executive coach, and I've drawn on scholars and psychologists and peacebuilders, and I've woven these ideas together into a book and an approach I call Deep Listening.因为我们常常采用的常规倾听方式，剥夺了我们建立真正连接的机会。我们很难与同事沟通，很难与家人沟通——问问我自己的家人就知道了——也很难与任何来自不同背景或世代的人沟通，或是与任何想法与我们相左的人沟通。
英文原文
Because the standard way we so often perform listening, it starves us of real connections. We struggle to engage with our coworkers, with our family -- just ask my own -- [with] anyone from a different background or generation, anyone whose ideas conflict with our own.你看，我认为我是理性的，而在我看来你也认为你是理性的，但我们其实都被自己的评判、情绪和过往经历所驱使，死守着道德制高点。问题在于，从小到大，我们受到的教育让我们相信：倾听意味着赞同，倾听代表着顺从。
英文原文
Now you see, I think I’m rational, and my sense is that you think you're rational, but we're all driven by our judgments, by our emotions and our past, clinging onto the moral high ground. The problem is that, from an early age, we've been brought up to believe that listening means agreement, that listening signals obedience.我还记得我的第一位老师对我大喊：“听我说！”她当时的意思其实是：“服从我。保持安静。把那些蜡笔收起来。”这根本不是在邀请我去倾听——而是一道要求服从的指令。
英文原文
You know, I remember my first teacher yelling at me, "Listen to me." What she meant [was], “Obey me. Keep quiet. Put those crayons away." [It] wasn’t really an invitation to listen -- it was a command to comply.这种对倾听与认同的混淆意味着，现在作为成年人，我们害怕去倾听那些观点可能让我们感到不安的人。“我会失去自我吗？”“我会被迫改变想法吗？”“我会被改变吗？”在潜意识的本能层面，向与我们价值观相冲突的观点敞开自己会让人感到害怕。
英文原文
And this muddling up of listening and agreement means that now, as adults, we fear listening to people whose ideas might disturb us. "Will I lose myself?" "Will I be forced to change my mind?" "Will I be changed?" At a primal level, it can feel scary to open ourselves up to ideas which clash with our values.结果如何呢？这个世界认为，避开跨越分歧的任何接触是更好的，甚至在道德上是更高尚的。但在回避这些交流的过程中，我们只是在加深极化的断层，而这种极化正在撕裂我们的家庭、我们的社区，当然还有我们的国家。
英文原文
And the result? A world in which we think it's better, even more moral, to sidestep any encounters across divides. But in avoiding these exchanges, we only help deepen the fault lines of polarization that are tearing our families, our communities and, of course, our nations apart.拉脱维亚的实践：伊洛娜的故事
让我给你们举个例子。以波罗的海国家拉脱维亚为例，该国在苏联统治下经历了几十年的创伤历史。在俄罗斯全面入侵乌克兰后不久，那里的情绪异常激烈而紧绷，再次遭受入侵的威胁十分现实，而怀疑落在了三分之一在家说俄语的拉脱维亚人身上。
英文原文
So let me give you an example. Take the Baltic state of Latvia, which has a traumatic history of decades under Soviet rule. And not long after the Russian full-scale invasion of Ukraine, feelings there were running deep and high, threats of reinvasion were real, and suspicion was falling on the one in three Latvians who spoke Russian at home.因此我受邀将来自两个群体的人组织在一起进行培训——也就是拉脱维亚语使用者和俄语使用者——以便他们能够向来自对立面的人练习“深度倾听”。但当你的情绪如此强烈，而且利害关系如此重大时，你该如何倾听呢？
英文原文
So I was invited to train people from both communities together -- that's the Latvians and the Russian speakers -- so they could practice Deep Listening to someone from the other side. But how can you listen when your feelings are so strong, and when there's so much at stake?那我可以讲讲伊洛娜吗？她是一位讲俄语的拉脱维亚人。坦白说，刚开始当她使用深度倾听的步骤时，感觉非常不自然。对她而言，保持好奇心并接受自己还不知道邻居可能在想什么，是很困难的。
英文原文
So can I tell you about Ilona? She's a Russian-speaking Latvian. And to be honest, at the start, when she started using the Deep Listening steps, it felt pretty unnatural. It was hard for her to stay curious and accept she didn't yet know what her neighbor might be thinking.但她开始谨慎地践行这八个步骤——例如留出时间，先倾听自己，并注意邻居可能会激起自己什么样的反应。也许他们让她想起了那个爱欺负人的姐姐，所以她觉得自己又变回了八岁，无能为力又困在其中。或者她可能会注意到自己当时有着多么强烈的评判心理：“那个邻居，她肯定很自私。”又或者她可能会意识到，像我们大多数人一样，她把自我中最难以接受的部分投射到了邻居身上。因为归根结底，我们眼中的世界并非世界原本的样子，而是我们自身的投射。
英文原文
But cautiously, she began putting the eight steps to work -- taking time out, for example, to listen to herself first, and notice what her neighbor might provoke in her. Maybe they reminded her of a bullying older sister, so she felt eight again, powerless and trapped. Or she might notice how judgmental she was feeling. "That neighbor. She's selfish, for sure." Or she might realize that she'd projected, like most of us, the parts of herself she found hardest to accept onto her neighbor. Because after all, we see the world not as it is, but as we are.慢慢地，伊洛娜学会了放下自己的成见与情绪，以便能够更专注地投入到当下展现的一切之中，无论她的邻居想要分享什么。需要说明的是，她并不是每次都能做到——有些对话依然会让她咬紧牙关、筑起防备，但她开始在当下察觉到这一点。
英文原文
Slowly, Ilona learns to put her own stuff aside so she could be more present with whatever unfolded, whatever her neighbor wanted to share. She didn't manage it every time, mind -- some conversationsstill left her tight-jawed and defensive, but she began to notice that in the moment.接着，她尝试了一种简单的做法。
（沉默）
我是故意这么做的。沉默。那种温暖、富有同理心的沉默，让她的邻居能够更多地反思，也给了伊洛娜一个更好地理解对方视角的契机。
英文原文
And then, she experimented with something simple. (Silence) I meant to do that. Silence. The warm, empathetic kind, to allow her neighbor to reflect more, and give Ilona a chance to make more sense of their perspective.伊洛娜发现自己可以运用所谓的“第三只耳朵”，也就是去感知那些重要但未说出口的内容。我喜欢认为这第三只耳朵就长在我们的心旁，而我们的第三只耳朵可能比我们依赖大脑两侧双耳的显意识智慧更具洞察力。
英文原文
Ilona found out that she could tap into something called your “Third Ear,” which is about tuning into what's important but unspoken. And I like to think the Third Ear is located just next to our heart, and our Third Ear can be more insightful than our conscious intelligence, which relies on the two ears [on] either side of our brain.事后伊洛娜反思道，也许她可以让邻居感到安心，从而使他们开始信任她，并分享了更多他们内心深处的故事。
英文原文
Afterwards, Ilona reflected that maybe she could enable her neighbor to feel safe so they started to trust her and shared more of their deeper story.全球研究与黎巴嫩案例：哈乌拉的转变
伊洛娜的发现并非个例。我们与 BBC 及英国文化协会合作开展了一个大型全球研究项目，在 100 个国家招募了 1,000 多人进行深度倾听培训。非同寻常的事情发生了：人们不仅在表达自我时感到更安全、连接更紧密，他们也开始质疑自己的观念。我看到其他研究也表明，当人们感到被真正倾听时，他们实际上会软化自己的信念。这对我们所有人深入倾听他人来说，是一个强有力的激励。
英文原文
What Ilona discovered isn't unique to her. We ran a big global research project with the BBC and the British Council, recruiting over 1,000 people across 100 countries to train in Deep Listening. Something remarkable happened. People didn’t just feel safer to expressing themselves and more connected -- they also started to question their own attitudes. And I've seen other research that shows that when people feel truly heard, they actually soften their beliefs. Now that’s a powerful incentive for all of us to deeply listen to others.还有一位名叫哈乌拉的女士。她是一位黎巴嫩穆斯林，她想学习如何更深入地倾听。过去她的父亲坚持要求她只与成长背景相似的人交朋友，而她把这些成见带入了成年时期，她告诉我，她曾经反对在黎巴嫩的叙利亚难民，避开他们是因为他们中有些人允许自己的女孩在 11 岁或 13 岁结婚，她说那“没有过正当的黎巴嫩式生活”。
英文原文
So there's this woman, Hawraa. She's a Lebanese Muslim, and she wanted to learn how to listen more deeply. Now her father was determined that she restrict her friendships to those with a similar upbringing, and she carried those judgments into adulthood, telling me that she used to be against Syrian refugees in Lebanon, staying clear of them because some allowed their girls to get married at 11 or 13, "not living a proper Lebanese life," she said.我是在培训来自黎巴嫩的社群时认识她的，她的突破时刻来自于她不仅在理智上、而且在情感上明白了：倾听持有不同观点的人，并不是屈服，也不是对自身价值观的背叛。
英文原文
I got to know her while training communities from Lebanon, and her breakthrough moment came when she understood, not just intellectually but emotionally, that listening to someone with different perspectives is not a surrender or a betrayal of your values.如今，哈乌拉已经成了深度倾听的典范人物。现在每个星期二，她都会在一所叙利亚难民学校与青少年一起工作。通过以这种新的方式倾听她的学生，她开始明白并非只有一种视角是可能的。“那感觉就像是一抹微光，”她告诉我，尽管这仍需要力量、耐心和敞开的心胸。哈乌拉清楚她的想法与他人之间依然存在张力，她仍然极力反对童婚，但她正在寻找途径，在坚守自身价值观的同时，更努力地去敞开胸怀并加深理解。
英文原文
Today, Hawraa has become something of a poster child for Deep Listening. Every Tuesday, she now works with teenagers at a school for Syrian refugees. And by listening in this new way to her students, she’s come to understand [that] more than one perspective is possible. "It felt like a glimpse of light," she told me, though it still takes strength, patience and an open heart. Hawraa is aware of the tensions which still exist between her ideas and those of others, she's still passionately against child marriages, but she's finding ways to try harder to open and deepen her understanding, while keeping true to her values.一个微小而略带冒险的实验
现在我有一个好消息要告诉大家。你不需要生活在冲突地区，也能在存在分歧时实践深度倾听。因此我想向大家提议做一个微小且略带冒险的实验：我希望你想一位你认识但对世界的看法与你不同的人。不要选最极端的情况，而是选一个你们之间的分歧确实让你感到刺痛的人；然后抽出时间，尽你所能带着好奇心和开放的心态去深入倾听他们。
英文原文
Now I have a piece of good news for you. You don't need to live in a conflict zone to practice Deep Listening while disagreeing. So I'd like to offer you a small, slightly risky experiment. I'd like you to think of someone you know who sees the world differently. Not the most extreme case, but someone [with whom] the disagreement really stings, and then take time out to deeply listen to them with as much curiosity and openness as you can manage.留意你的不适感。留意你的抵触情绪。同时也留意你是否有勇气跨越这两者，哪怕这让人觉得有些尴尬。
英文原文
Notice your discomfort. Notice your resistance. And notice, too, if you have the courage to move past both, even if it feels a little awkward.我发现，随着时间的推移，这些经历让我感到更加充满活力，因为我向与另一个人建立深刻连接敞开了自己，无论对方的信仰如何，并送给他们一份感到被真正倾听的礼物。
英文原文
I’ve found that, over time, these experiences make me feel more alive as I open myself up to profoundly connecting with another person, whatever their beliefs, and giving them the gift of feeling truly heard.所以深度倾听，关乎对他人尊严及其完整人性的尊重，无论他们持何种立场。现在，在我们这个极化时代的风险如此之高的情况下，试想一下，如果我们坚定且持久地将倾听与认同区分开来，将会带来怎样的可能。
谢谢大家。
（欢呼声与掌声）
谢谢大家。
（欢呼声与掌声）