Hello everyone, I am Anthony Welcome to my channel

In two days it will be New Year's Eve I also wish you all a happy Chinese New Year in advance May all your wishes come true in the new year.

Today's video I want to talk about a common psychological topic It's perfectionism

A few days ago, a netizen who has been following my channel for a long time Asked me a question It's about his study. Severe perfectionism

With his consent After blurring his story I'll take his problem as an example. Show it for discussion

Our channel Although psychology topics are often discussed But most opinions are not consistent with the mainstream So is this video

If you are interested in today's video or Do you have any topic you want to discuss with me? You can contact my email to make an appointment

So let's get back to our topic today.

First, this netizen said He has been used to it since he was a child Set high learning goals for yourself

For example, in primary school The teacher arranges students to review a text every day But he set himself a goal of 6 articles a day.

High goals As a result, I feel extremely stressed every day Falling into severe anxiety

I barely completed 60% before the deadline. This almost became a normal thing during his student days.

It is to set a very high goal Then the difficulty of execution increases Produce anxiety Finally, because of procrastination This leads to greater self-blame and a sense of powerlessness

Although his grades have always been good But he always lived in acute uncertainty.

He felt I can't concentrate in class all the time. Frequent daydreaming and distraction

In college He hopes he can get out of this situation. But I can't control myself from watching short videos

This went on for several years. By the time of my senior year He decided to take postgraduate study But it failed in the end.

He told the people around him This is malfunctioning But I know this is a normal result.

So how do you view this What about perfectionism which is very common in China?

I believe everyone still remembers We are in May I once made a video about procrastination.

Perfectionism and procrastination often go hand in hand

The Heart of a Perfectionist Usually sets a pretty strict standard Feeling guilty, anxious, or ashamed if you don’t achieve it

In order to avoid this result Individuals often choose to procrastinate

But procrastination doesn’t have to be driven by a desire for perfection. for example Maybe it's just because the task itself is boring. or pressure

For perfectionism General psychology books will attribute it to The goal that individuals pursue is too high It's so outstanding

for example I saw a book on cognitive behavioral therapy It is written like this:

“Perfectionism It not only means Constantly pursue the high standards you set for yourself For example, I have to keep my house spotless. I must get full marks Even though this makes me feel nervous and anxious It also means that when the expected standards are not met Often self-critical

Since perfectionism is a problem The goal is too high Too perfect, too idealistic So the solution to the problem is Be aware that your pursuits are often unrealistic.

Therefore, individuals need to learn to lower their standards Or investigate the choices of most people. To formulate more reasonable standards

for example You think you have to be first every time If there is a time when it is not It will be very painful

But if you look at most people's resumes You will find that almost no one Be the first every time

so You realize that this goal is unrealistic. It's about accepting your imperfections Accept the reality Lower your expectations That's a common strategy.

I certainly think these methods make sense. But there is still a problem I just can't accept my own imperfections. Is this itself an imperfection?

So Should we accept this imperfection?

Obviously if we are to accept our imperfections Then you have to accept your own inability to accept That leads to a self-contradiction.

This is not a word game It's a very meaningful question.

As we mentioned in our video on November 16th Many instrumental and emotional concepts We need to find a realistic balance

For example, sugar is essential to human life. But eating too much sugar can be harmful to your health Exercise is meaningful But excessive exercise is not good either.

However, when it comes to love, On profound concepts such as freedom and goodness That's not the case anymore

The reason why true love, freedom, and goodness should pursue absoluteness Because these concepts are inherently self-consistent

Love if it is restricted or conditional The essence of love is lost

same If freedom is limited It is no longer completely free It is a restricted state

Goodness is not pursued as absolute goodness. There is no moral purity.

This means that We should pursue the consistency of ideas The definition of perfection should be expanded and enriched To solve the problem Rather than taking a moderate, relativistic attitude Give up pursuit directly

The Strategy of Relativism Resolving conflicts through compromise

For example, seeing the chaos caused by freedom I think freedom should be restricted directly. This way the contradiction disappears

And I think when concepts collide with reality We should deepen the level and definition of concepts Enable concepts to encompass and explain the complexity of reality This is deeper than direct compromise and compromise

Those who like to say "Don't be too absolute about everything" They actually think that At least their words themselves are absolute

If we always follow different scenes To compromise your own ideas One moment I say I want freedom One moment I say freedom cannot be too absolute This will result in We often take conflicting positions

The result is that it is easy to cause cognitive dissonance.

Self-awareness coherence and belief systems It will also become fragmented

Therefore, people pursue perfection and ideals. It is absolutely correct

The real problem with perfectionism is that They pursue perfection Not really perfect and rational Even quite irrational

As Weber pointed out Rationality can be divided into instrumental rationality and value rationality

Instrumental rationality focuses solely on the effectiveness of means That is How can an agent achieve a goal most efficiently? Regardless of whether the purpose itself is valuable That is, it excludes value judgments. Taking a value-free stance

But value rationality means that individuals should First of all, from the perspective of values To examine whether the goal itself is worth pursuing Does it meet people’s wishes? Rather than just thinking about how to do it more efficiently

certainly Any practical action contains both instrumental rationality and It also contains the value rationality component This is just for our convenience to think about An ideal framework

The commonality between value rationality and instrumental rationality is that They are all pursuing a clear purpose

Insofar as the subject has this clear sense of purpose They are all rational

However, due to the goal pursued by instrumental rationality It is utilitarian Therefore, instrumental rationality dominates It is inevitable to ignore people's emotional and spiritual values Tendency to develop routine and rigid behavior

From the perspective of value rationality This is precisely irrational.

Therefore, we say The perfection pursued by perfectionism It is often only perfection at the level of instrumental rationality. In terms of value rationality, it is completely opposite.

Instrumental rationality Based on a way of thinking that separates the subjective from the objective There is an objective standard in the world The subject should follow this standard Who is closer to this standard? Who is more perfect?

This method Of course it is possible in the field of science and technology but When it is applied to individual psychology and self-perception It becomes extremely one-sided and even distorted

Because it is separated from the so-called objective goal of the subject's perspective Does not exist

For example Many people think that who has a higher income? Whose life is better?

Income Level It should be an objective standard of universal significance.

But if a person is just following the crowd Or the pressure of life I chose a high-paying job. And another person After careful selection and reflection, Choose a career you like more

So Their living standards It is difficult to quantify it through a certain indicator To directly compare

Another example is the same video channel My videos are all about my true thoughts Recognition

certainly It is more likely due to my identification with my personal thoughts.

But many bloggers largely Is to cater to and please the audience What they say is not what they really mean.

So The subscription indicator These two channels have completely different meanings. Can't be directly compared

Same reason The so-called objective goal pursued by perfectionism It is often out of the subject's perspective. An external and imposed standard

For example, a woman has been criticized by her parents since she was a child. Always judge her for not being as quiet as other girls Don't like doing housework

So The woman may unconsciously agree with this judgment. and internalize it

When she grew up, she developed this idea It is perfect to keep the house spotless This caused her to often fall into anxiety.

She will argue Keep your home clean and tidy It is of universal significance

However, regardless of whether this proposition is correct The same goal is to clean up The different motivations behind them This can also lead to huge differences in the goals themselves.

for example Some people do it out of genuine enjoyment. I just went to do housework In the process He felt relaxed Feel that I love my life more

So this is related to the anxiety and compulsion Just doing housework Obviously not equivalent

that is There is no universal standard for cleanliness and tidiness

On the other hand If this lady Actively break and violate That compulsive voice inside Let yourself try according to your mood To place furniture Then this might look even more untidy But it is closer to perfection

The same is true for the netizen we mentioned at the beginning

He said that he had been Living in a very demanding and stressful environment

Parents believe in corporal punishment Everything can be attributed to his lack of seriousness.

For example, you think your test scores are getting worse Just a beating and scolding will make you better

No matter what he achieved My father always finds some irony, The angle of disdain and derogation

Sometimes this derogation is Completely unreasonable

He recalled He took notes in his books with a red pen in primary school The father saw it and thought it was a mistake made by the teacher. Then blurt out How could you be so wrong?

His growth process Full of such unreasonable nitpicking It also made him develop a compulsive state. I feel that no matter what Can't achieve perfection

But this perfect nature Actually Individuals' rationalization and internalization of their father's authoritarian authority

That is to say, although at the beginning Individuals are picked on by external patriarchy Judgment and suppression But children should avoid greater suffering Choose to make this external threat To rationalize as some kind of objective universal standard

Even when I grow up His father can no longer control him at all times. He still lives under an internalized patriarchal order.

This kind of order Often in the name of ideal self, morality, superego Issue orders to individuals It is a cruel judge

It doesn't reward you for completing tasks. Instead, it will ask you to do better.

Its goal is not to make you happy It makes you always anxious, Shame and guilt

Because only this It can maintain its dominance

so The inner heart of the parties The so-called perfect and strict voice Not only is it not perfect And it is quite authoritarian and tyrannical.

The parties themselves Procrastination and resistance in learning And the failure of the postgraduate entrance examination caused by the inability to concentrate Although it seems like a self-destruction But in fact, it is better to say It is the individual's attempt to break the alienated self

Break the image of an obedient person in the eyes of parents The image of a hard-working and good student

Because only by breaking these things Only individuals can rewrite the underlying logic of their own lives Get real liberation

for example It was because of the failure of the postgraduate entrance examination He felt that he could not Continue to act like you're studying hard We have to face this fierce contradiction

If he succeeds in the postgraduate entrance examination Just like the high school entrance exam So it is conceivable that He is in graduate school Will repeat again The internal friction and resistance during undergraduate studies And it will be more intense

The various pressures in graduate school For example, the tutor's evaluation, the college's assessment mechanism, etc. May once again aggravate the inner The power of the patriarchal order

If the person continues to follow his parents' expectations Successfully entered a company or unit recognized by parents And get married, have children So The entanglement between his alienated self and his true self It will also be closer Will cause He may never be able to live his ideal life.

This is a bigger failure.

So once we recognize The real goal To get rid of false masks and alienated self We can realize Many things are considered failures in Chinese society This is the beginning of true success.

That's it for today's video

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Thank you for watching goodbye!