第三次约会开立共同账户：金钱观碰撞与亲密关系的终极解法

Anna Martin: Hey everyone, it's Anna. This week, we're bringing you one of our favorite conversations from the past year. And I just want to say before we get into this episode, if you want to hear more of our back catalog, the entire Modern Love podcast archive is available to New York Times subscribers. If you're not a subscriber yet, you should know that right now, when you download the New York Times app for the first time, your first month in the app is free. That's 30 days of access to all of our journalism, including all the Modern Love episodes ever made. Totally free, no credit card required. Download the New York Times app now to get started. And if you're already a subscriber, my message to you is thank you. You make this show possible and you support all the other storytelling and reporting coming out of the times. All right, with that, on to the show.

Montage: Love now and fall in love. I love love you. For the love of love, and I love you more than anything. There's still love. Love

Anna Martin: from the New York Times. I'm Anna Martin. This is Modern Love. Let me tell you about my least favorite part of a date. It's the moment the bill hits the table. Regardless of whether the date's been good, the date's been bad, when that bill comes, I'm frozen. I don't know what to do. I'm like, should I do the slow reach for the wallet, hoping the guy slaps that AMX down? Do I just let him throw the card down and then get sort of offended because it's like, "Do you think I can't pay for this? It's just a vodka soda. Should we split it?" Which is always kind of weird. Should I Venmo him? Should I Venmo him? It's like, oh god, every option is so undignified. But today, I'm talking to a modern love essayist who had an unexpected solution to that exact problem. Here is what she did. On her third date with a guy, she proposed they open a joint checking account. And I have to say, even though that sounds quite extreme, her reasoning actually started to convince me. Janine Lynn, welcome to Modern Love.

Janine Lynn: Thanks [snorts] for having me, Anna. I want to tell you that I am talking to you on an incredibly fortuitous day because I have a date tonight and I know that when the check comes, we're going to do that horrible weird little dance where I like reach for the wallet, but I'm looking at him. Who's going to pay? Should we split it? Da da da. And when you were dating and facing this question, you did something I've never heard of anyone doing ever. You asked a guy to open a joint bank account on your third date. I have to know, do people freak out when you tell them this?

Janine Lynn: Absolutely. They [laughter] think I'm bonkers. Yes. Uh yeah, it was a bonkers idea. And you're right, that moment when the bill comes is so fraught, is so anxietydriven, and there's so many layers and complexities to that moment. You know, it's like, do I pay? If I pay, does that mean my my love is for sale?

Anna Martin: If he pays, does that mean like he owns me or, you know, is there some sort of projection of alphaness that we need to establish here?

Janine Lynn: Anti-feminism. Yeah,

Anna Martin: exactly.

Janine Lynn: You say and and I agree. It's such a fraught moment. Do you remember, put yourself back when a check came, what did you say? What did he say? What did you do? So, whenever I was on a date out to dinner or having drinks or playing miniature golf, whatever it was, whenever it came time to pay or whenever at dinner, for instance, the bill landed on the table, my knee-jerk reaction was to grab the bill and offer to pay.

Janine Lynn: And it wasn't just like a gentle, "Oh, let me pay." It was like a no. My hand slapped the table laying claim to the check presenter and I took it like it was like like my life depended on it. In my brain I said if he pays I'm going to kill him. But what I [laughter] said to the actual date was like oh let me get this.

Anna Martin: And what would they do? Were their eyes wide? Like what was their reaction?

Janine Lynn: I mean of course they would kind of recoil a little bit from the the like violent [laughter] grabbing of the bill. uh a little bit.

Anna Martin: Yeah.

Janine Lynn: But then be like, "Sure." You know, they'd just let me pay.

Anna Martin: You said if he pays this, you know, hypothetical guy on this hypothetical date, you will kill him. Why? What is it about someone doing something ostensibly kind for you that ignites such fury?

Janine Lynn: So, honestly, Anna, I didn't know at the time. I just kept doing it over and over and over again. It was a compulsion. It was instinctual. I had no idea what that was. I thought it was, you know, feminism. I thought it was whatever conversations we have in our brain about that moment. And it wasn't until I was out to dinner with my family and the bill came and I heard my dad say, "If you pay it, I will kill you." And then like who wants?

Anna Martin: Yeah. Totally. [laughter] Uh-huh. Uhhuh. And so that's when I it clicked in my head. I'm like, "Oh my god, that's where I get it from."

Anna Martin: When you went out to dinner with your family, can you sort of tell me what would happen? You eat a delicious meal and then what?

Janine Lynn: Oh, so it would have only really happened in these big Chinese banquetss when we were celebrating my grandfather's birthday, my grandmother's birthday, or some big moment, and there were, you know, t like we'd have 10 tables at a restaurant for our family and every table was 10 people. So it's like eight, nine horses of food all centered all in the middle of this lazy Susan, you know,

Janine Lynn: and you just turn it around and you'd pick at it. And so at the end of dinner after this one two-hour event, the bill would come and you could almost I remember this as a kid because I loved it so much. You can almost sense the energy in the room pause. You know that moment where like animals suddenly sense an earthquake and they pause and they look up. Yes,

Anna Martin: it was like that.

Janine Lynn: And everyone would just like claw for the bill and threaten bodily harm, have all these different kind of schemes for how to pay for that bill. I really I understand in the sense that I am half Chinese and this is a scene that I can absolutely resonate with. I remember being I I think it was in Michigan where my grandparents were living at the time. big dinner, family dinner like you describe. And I remember my aunt and my father fought so violently over the check. My aunt accidentally scratched my dad and he bled all over the tablecloth. I I guess like as a kid, you say you weren't aware of what was happening. What did it appear like to you? Put yourself in like kid Janine brain. What did you see your family doing? Did you think like they're being insane or did you think this is kind of just how it is? I thought it was just kind of how it was. And I it was fun for me because my cousins and I would take bets on who would win [laughter] like it was a wrestling match or battle royale or something. Yeah.

Janine Lynn: And to be honest, the moment where it really clicked for me was when my aunt won the bill one time and my parents in what appeared to me as a refusal to lose, they gave me money, bills in my hand and asked me to crawl under the dinner table. Wow.

Janine Lynn: And crawl my way towards her and sneak money into her pocket. Like a reverse pigpocketing. [laughter]

Anna Martin: So she'll she'll some point later in the night discover she has like all these bills. Why? Why?

Janine Lynn: In my mind, I thought it was another scheme. Like my parents had refused to lose and this was a way for them to win. But on my way home from that dinner with my parents, they were brainstorming ways to continue to pay her back for the dinner bill. Um, like with groceries, with clothes for her kids, with all these other things. And I was confused. I was like, why? I would I did a good job putting money in her pocket. Like I didn't mail you, you [laughter] know? Why are we still trying to pay her back? And they were like, well, she just lost her job. And so we let her win to save face, to have the honor and the privilege of paying for the bill, but we know she can't afford it. So they knew she couldn't afford that dinner. And they are working behind the scenes to pay her back and then some and really to take care of her. And so that's when that that ritual started to become clear to me exactly what it was. We're all performing this ritual because

Janine Lynn: we all want the right and the privilege and the honor to win that moment. Um but underneath it all is this kind of invisible checks and balances that is happening that um you don't really talk about because before then I was just like oh fun they're fighting and then underneath that that that was a moment that I learned that there was something more happening underneath all of that. That is a really illuminating memory. What did it teach you about money and relationships? The the the relationship as it were between the two. [snorts]

Janine Lynn: That's a good question. [laughter] It's so hard to separate, right? Money and relationships and care. And of course, you can care for someone in other ways. But money was such a big part of our lives because we didn't have that much of it. You know, my family very working-class. My mom was a waitress, my dad worked odd jobs, and so money was always very fraught in our family. And so when I was dating, whenever that bill came, in my mind, I was trying to care for this other person. But then when they would just let me pay, it started to hurt. Because then it made me wonder: Are you financially okay to foot this bill? Over and over again. That's when it really started to hurt because then it made me wonder,

Anna Martin: What were you afraid would happen if you didn't pay? What was that worst case scenario to you?

Janine Lynn: I tried not paying. [laughter]

Anna Martin: Okay.

Janine Lynn: I tried not paying uh and just letting them pay every time. And it just felt gross to me. It just felt unnatural. It just felt God just awful. I tried splitting the bill, you know?

Anna Martin: What was that like? Cuz that's my approach normally and I'm like, "Yeah, let's split it."

Janine Lynn: It just felt like you go your way, I'll go my way.

Janine Lynn: Like we don't have to see each other again. I paid for my stuff, you paid for your stuff. We don't owe each other anything. Um, and I felt like there was no reciprocity.

Anna Martin: So, it seems like Janine, there's kind of no way to win. You didn't like letting him pay. You didn't like splitting. And you you liked paying, but you were also like, dang, aren't you going to fight me more? It's like, there's no way to win in this situation.

Janine Lynn: No. And that's why the only solution in my mind was the joint bank account.

Anna Martin: Okay, we're going to get into it now because that is not where many people's brain would go. Right. You say that's why the only solution was a joint bank account. We need to dig into that. How did that idea come to you?

Janine Lynn: I just remember the growing frustration I felt where I was paying date after date, you know, whether it was third date, fourth date, first date, whatever it was, and no one stopped to have a conversation with me about it. No one stopped. I mean, no one stopped to fight me back. But also, more importantly, no one was talking to me about what this moment meant. No one was talking to me about finances. is no one was talking to me about financial compatibility, you know, and

Janine Lynn: and [clears throat] then and then and then from there my brain went, this is so ridiculous that we don't talk about money,

Anna Martin: right? Yeah.

Anna Martin: Yeah. It's like this big issue. Let's just avoid it. You know what I mean? It's kind of too complicated to deal with. Although, it does feel that way when you're getting to know someone. It feels kind of rude to bring it up. So, I understand. But, okay, you're feeling this growing frustration. So, then what?

Janine Lynn: Well, so then my brain went to like, oh my god, like there's so many other ways that people test compatibility in a relationship that's so much harder than opening a bank account. Like

Anna Martin: like what?

Janine Lynn: Oh, let's let's let's get a pet together to see if we can raise a child. And then you you break up and then you have to

Anna Martin: discuss custody over who gets the pet, you know, take care of spot. Totally. Yeah.

Janine Lynn: Exactly. or you move in together into an apartment and then you break up and then you have to fight over who gets what furniture or like

Anna Martin: you're kind of convincing me right now. A dog and apartment in a city like New York. I'm like all those things are so tough to disentangle if something doesn't work. And you're saying with a checking account, you just kind of go to the bank and and it's done.

Janine Lynn: Yes, Anna. At the time, it was easier to close a bank account than to cancel a gym membership.

Anna Martin: Oh my god, they really don't let you go on those gym memberships. I'll have you know, but still, the joint bank account of it all seems to me, at least on its face, to carry like a a bigger weight. I wonder I wonder why. You know, like I hear the apartment and the ped and you're laying out a very logical argument, but I'm like something about joint bank account screams like marriage to me.

Janine Lynn: Oh, absolutely. I even know people who are married that still won't have a joint bank account because there's so like they have such a different relationship with money and money is protection and I don't want to share any of it because we might get divorced and you know there's there's so many different relationships that people can have with money for sure

Janine Lynn: and so for me a joint bank account made so much sense because we could each deposit the same amount of money if they if it was proportional to our incomes and it was a certain amount every month that we would direct deposit in and then I could fight for the bill and still feel like behind the scenes I was taken care of because we were equally contributing to this account.

Anna Martin: So, you're laying out again like a very logical argument for why opening a joint banking account actually isn't such a logistical lift as it might sound like. But at the same time, you know, people don't get a dog, well, I'll say many people don't get a dog or get an apartment, all these things you're comparing it to, on the third date, right? on an early date. So, can you describe the part of your plan where you wanted to sort of float this to someone in the early stages of getting to know them? Like, what was the logic there?

Janine Lynn: There was no logic, Anna. I was just so tired. So, at this point in my like early 30s where I was like really tired of going on date after date after date where this kept coming up, I was just fed up and I was like, "Okay, this is what I'm going to do and this is going to cause a reaction in the other person that's going to be very revealing to me and then I'll go from there."

Anna Martin: So, you'd open up this account in both your names and then you'd what?

Janine Lynn: In my brain, it was once a month we would do a direct deposit that was proportional to our incomes.

Anna Martin: You'd prorrate it. Very smart.

Janine Lynn: Yep. And then yeah, both our names would be on the debit cards.

Anna Martin: And would you get like, I don't know, a picture of you guys on the card or what was the [laughter] thing?

Janine Lynn: No, I didn't want to go that far either way.

Anna Martin: You can't [laughter] Yeah, you can't do that. That That'd be insane. Can I ask like how much would you imagine would go in?

Janine Lynn: So, at the time I I calculated how much I was spending on these dinner dates.

Anna Martin: And you really did your research.

Janine Lynn: Oh my. Yes. I really thought about this. It was really bothering me. Um, I think I was spending upwards of $1,000 a month

Anna Martin: Whoa.

Janine Lynn: On dinner dates. This is San Francisco Bay Area, so everything

Anna Martin: Everything is really expensive there. Going out is so expensive. Okay.

Janine Lynn: In my brain, I had wanted to start off in my proposal with something even lower, something more manageable like $500. So, $250 per person.

Janine Lynn: Um, which seems more reasonable, right? Uh, given how expensive everything was in

Anna Martin: I think if you went with a thousand at the top, it would be hard.

Janine Lynn: Yeah, [laughter] it would be a hard no. I wanted to make this, as crazy and bonkers as it sounded, I wanted this to be feasible.

Anna Martin: Mhm. Did you worry that you'd propose this joint bank account and this guy would agree to it, but then he'd like take off with the money?

Janine Lynn: Oh, yes. [laughter] I was worried about being taken advantage of. Yes, absolutely. Which is why I didn't propose putting in thousands of dollars.

Anna Martin: Oh my god.

Janine Lynn: $500, you know, really $250 between the two of us felt like an okay amount to lose if this thing turned into [laughter] a disaster.

Anna Martin: Whoa. A guy taking off with my money. Yeah.

Anna Martin: So, that worst case scenario was like truly in your mind. You were like, "That's possible. He could just take the money."

Janine Lynn: Yes. Absolutely.

Anna Martin: Well, that would be a surefire way to know that guy was not your guy. Am I right?

Janine Lynn: Exactly. Yeah. $250 lost, but knowing that this guy was definitely not someone I was ever going to marry was worth every penny.

Anna Martin: I will just say though, like $250, that's still a risk. And to me, that shows like that's a chunk of change no matter what.

Janine Lynn: Yeah. I mean, the way I rationalized it in my head was it was still less than I was paying when I was constantly footing the entire bill.

Janine Lynn: So, in my mind, I was like, "Oh, it's still less than what I was investing in previous dates." [laughter]

Anna Martin: You're like, "Look, I couldn't be spending any more money on these days."

Anna Martin: Tell me, you had this pitch perfected, as it were. You had this idea, all of the different points locked down. Who is the lucky guy who got this pitch?

Janine Lynn: Uh his name is Adon and it was our third date.

Janine Lynn: We had met on Bumble.

Janine Lynn: I didn't know much about him. [laughter]

Janine Lynn: I knew he he was from Ireland. Uh I knew he had just gotten out of business school and was his first year in tech full-time.

Anna Martin: Mhm.

Janine Lynn: Beyond that, I didn't know much else about him. I did know though, if I were to perceive anything about his demeanor,

Anna Martin: Yeah. Yeah.

Janine Lynn: When a person walks in the room, I can instantly project or fantasize about what life might be like with them [clears throat]. He was wearing Uniqlo, he seemed very grounded, sensible, frugal.

Anna Martin: Dig it.

Anna Martin: Yeah. [laughter] Was that like attractive to you? Did you want that?

Janine Lynn: I didn't think so at the time to be honest. Like I was still in the phase of my life where I wanted to be jumping out of planes and dating guys with private jets.

Anna Martin: he's the cheap guy. I want the plane guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Anna Martin: Interesting. So, you kind of were like it felt low stakes. [snorts]

Janine Lynn: Yes. It felt the the man sitting across from me and our relationship felt low stakes, but the proposal to do a joint bank account felt very high stakes for me.

Anna Martin: I think that's a really important distinction you just made. The guy didn't matter so much, but this pitch did. And you actually had a deck!

Janine Lynn: Yeah, I did have a deck, Anna, and I was going to I [laughter] was going to bring it out if I needed to.

Anna Martin: You did. You had like an iPad in your bag or something?

Janine Lynn: on my [laughter] phone. But um honestly, if they rejected my proposal, it would have been crushing.

Janine Lynn: I spent so much of my dating experience trying to be someone I thought people wanted to be sitting across from at dinner, right? I spent so many years of my youth um especially teenage years and twenties trying to be this cool, low-maintenance girl.

Janine Lynn: And it wasn't until that moment where I had the idea to pitch this joint bank account that I finally felt like I was advocating for my needs and being authentic. And so yeah, if Adon rejected me, I would have been crushed.

Anna Martin: Wow. [music]

Janine Lynn: But then I told myself there's the next guy and the guy after that. So maybe it's okay. Maybe I can be bold for once.

Anna Martin: We'll be right back. [music] So, you get to this date. It's your third date with Adon. Pitches loaded up on your phone. How do you bring it up?

Janine Lynn: I say, "Hey, can I talk to you about something for a second? It's about this moment. [laughter] I'm on my feet. And I basically launched into my speech about the awkwardness of the bill, proposing we open a joint checking account, contribute $250 each proportionally, and use it for dates to bypass all the friction.

Anna Martin: I know. I was going to say, "Okay, we're with you." Then the camera pans. What's his face doing when you say, "Let's open a joint account"?

Janine Lynn: He laughed. He thought I was joking. He chuckled like it was a joke.

Anna Martin: And then you're like, "No, I'm serious."

Janine Lynn: Yeah. And I had to like there was seriousness on my face. So, I had to wait for him to register my expression. And when he saw I was dead serious, the smile faded. It was dead silence. He was so uncomfortable. He mumbled something like, "Uh, well, that's... interesting."

Janine Lynn: Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, you know what? I just subjected him to the most uncomfortable moment in this three dates. We finished the dinner, walked out, and parted ways in awkward silence.

Anna Martin: How did you feel walking away from that?

Janine Lynn: I think I was still recovering from having gone through it. Like I wasn't necessarily thinking about being rejected yet, just the adrenaline of having done that. And then only afterwards, like a few hours later, that I was like, okay, I I told myself it's fine, there's another guy that I'm going to try again with. Um, so I think it was confidence masking disappointment for sure. Um, but I didn't want to give up on it. Like I knew I couldn't give up on it.

Anna Martin: So you weren't expecting to hear from Adon again?

Janine Lynn: No. Mm- I thought it was over. I was expecting him to ghost me. to block me on his phone, to report me on to Bumble as a scammer.

Anna Martin: In your world, yes.

Anna Martin: And then what happened?

Janine Lynn: The next day, he texted me: "How about Thursday at 2:00 PM at Wells Fargo?"

Anna Martin: Wow. Okay. So, how did you feel? That's so unexpected for you. [sighs and gasps]

Janine Lynn: I was like, "Okay, game on. We're doing this." Like, okay. Um, he totally bought my pitch. Like, [laughter]

Anna Martin: you're like, I knew it was I knew it was great.

Janine Lynn: It was undeniable. [laughter]

Anna Martin: Didn't even have to bring out the deck.

Janine Lynn: Yeah. [music] Didn't even need the slides!

Anna Martin: We'll be right back. [music] Okay. So, he says meet at a bank.

Janine Lynn: Yeah. He had picked a bank in San Francisco. Uh, and I was like, you know what? No, no, no. In my in my brain, I was still nervous.

Anna Martin: Before you go in like did you ask him what changed your mind? You know you seemed really not into it the other night.

Janine Lynn: No. I was so convinced that it was because of my brilliant proposal, like my undefeable logic. But when we met up outside the bank, you know, like do that thing where you do when you greet each other. And his body language still spoke volumes. It was stiff, hands in pockets, looking cautious.

Janine Lynn: But I was just like, you know, just take it take take it for what he's here. [laughter] We're going to do this.

Anna Martin: No buyers remorse, you know,

Anna Martin: But were you But was that worrying to you that he was like, "Yeah, he was saying he wanted to do it, but his body was saying run"?

Janine Lynn: I mean, I did ask him, are you sure about this?" because and I didn't necessarily say because your body is saying everything opposite of what your mouth is saying. Um but he's like yes I'm sure. So I was like okay we're doing this.

Anna Martin: wait did the bank teller ask like so how long you guys been married or something? Like did that come up?

Janine Lynn: Yeah. I mean, the assumption is that we we just got married and we're opening this bank account, you know? [laughter]

Anna Martin: Yeah. And so, did you tell them like we actually just met? [gasps]

Janine Lynn: Yes. [laughter]

Anna Martin: How did they react?

Janine Lynn: Okay. That's unusual. But [laughter]

Anna Martin: business,

Janine Lynn: business is business. So, let me tell you about overdraft fees, [laughter] you know. Um, so yeah, it was quite a scene.

Janine Lynn: Absolutely. The whole time you were there, I was worried he was going to pull out. Every second I had to look over at him. But he was asking all these questions about overdraft protection, interest rates, paper statements, to the point where I was getting annoyed because I was like this was supposed to be a 15-minute thing and it's turning into a real meeting.

Anna Martin: What did that mean to you though that he was doing such like due diligence? He was serious about it.

Janine Lynn: He was very serious about it and I it almost felt like I couldn't get I mean I I'm not in his brain but it felt like he was treating this with intense diligence, figuring out what this joint bank account meant, what the terms and conditions of this relationship was of what signing this document represented.

Anna Martin: So So you you get Do you end this appointment with your debit cards? Like you have your new debit cards in hand.

Janine Lynn: We had temporary debit cards. Yep.

Anna Martin: Wow.

Janine Lynn: Mhm. And it felt like such a big moment for me because it felt like I finally got what I wanted. Like I finally, took control of my needs.

Anna Martin: So, were you like, "Let's go to dinner right now?" Yeah. [laughter] You want to go have lunch?

Janine Lynn: Yeah. We went to lunch immediately.

Anna Martin: So how did it feel when the bill came now that you have your new debit cards? What was that like? What did you [laughter] feel?

Janine Lynn: It felt like such relief like it felt like I didn't have to like be uncomfortable anymore. It felt like I could just put the card down without any awkwardness because again, it's on the bill. Yeah. He didn't he didn't fight me back. He didn't fight me to pay the bill. He let me pay it, but we both paid it.

Anna Martin: a safety net. Yeah,

Janine Lynn: exactly.

Janine Lynn: And so that moment felt glorious

Anna Martin: and it went through, right? Like you can use money from a checking account that [laughter] you just set up.

Janine Lynn: That would be really funny.

Anna Martin: You But that didn't happen. And it went through.

Janine Lynn: No, it went through.

Anna Martin: So, you just you deposited however much money into it bi-weekly and anytime you went out to dates, you would use that card?

Janine Lynn: It worked.

Anna Martin: And were you like automatically boyfriend and girlfriend cuz you'd opened up this checking account? How did the rest of the relationship unfold?

Janine Lynn: Oh gosh, we never had the DTR conversation.

Anna Martin: Wow, you guys are really not talking about much. [laughter] No, but it's so funny cuz like I I remember with other couples they talk about feelings forever, but you guys went straight to the bank and never even defined the relationship!

Janine Lynn: Yeah.

Anna Martin: Wow. And now I will do a spoiler which is you've been married for 9 years, right?

Janine Lynn: Yes, we've been together nine years. Yes.

Anna Martin: You've been together nine years. Married how many?

Janine Lynn: I think seven. I've lost count. [laughter]

Anna Martin: Mhm. Is this joint bank account still active?

Janine Lynn: So, the only time we ever talked about it again was when we closed that account to open another joint bank account. But years later, when I finally asked him why he agreed back then, he told me his actual reason.

Anna Martin: Did it feel Did it feel, I don't know, bittersweet to sunset that checking account, which is not a question I ever thought I'd ask?

Janine Lynn: it did for me? It did. Yeah. Because it was my moment, you know. It was like the first time I ever asked for what I needed and it worked. that changed the rest of our lives, you know, but now we have lots of joint bank accounts, so it's [laughter] like a standard utility. But what surprised me after all these years was when he revealed his reason: as an immigrant from Ireland, he needed to establish a US credit footprint and financial history, and he thought this was a practical way to do it!

Anna Martin: Whoa, that is not as romantic as I thought.

Janine Lynn: Yeah, I agree. [laughter] But what it did but so it was it surprised after all these years when I thought it was because of my charm. in our different unmet needs in trying to fulfill our different unmet needs we had stumbled upon a solution that worked for both of us. like I needed a way to practice care uh in a relationship the way that my my family did and he needed a way to build a financial foundation. And that has been our our recipe for success.

Anna Martin: my knee-jerk response when you shared his um he needed to build credit score was just to laugh. I was kind of joking but I actually mean this like do you think if someone's listening to this and they want to do this, would you recommend it?

Anna Martin: I know, girl. I'm like, we got to make sure that Janine isn't sponsored by like City Bank or Capital One. Like, this is crazy.

Janine Lynn: Yeah. No, it's like Well, I do joke. I'm like, instead of promise rings, we should have promise accounts, you know? but no, I don't necessarily think that opening a joint bank account is right for everyone. [laughter] But I do think that level of conversation to me feels like an intimate step in getting to know each other that it doesn't happen often enough.

Anna Martin: I wonder too like between you and Adon, what are your conversations about money like now? You have multiple joint accounts, a household. What is it like now?

Janine Lynn: Yeah. Um, and so we talk about, you know, now that I'm a writer, like that how he's going to have to financially support us more. And so we talk about how we want to handle that and how we want to minimize our overhead. We talk really like we're business partners managing a joint enterprise.

Anna Martin: well, that's why you were so good at the damn pitch. [laughter] Okay.

Janine Lynn: No, my deck was amazing.

Anna Martin: Is there anything you you find difficult or uncomfortable to discuss about money still?

Janine Lynn: No. Mm- not at all.

Anna Martin: Wow.

Janine Lynn: Yeah.

Anna Martin: I think that is extremely rare.

Janine Lynn: Well, you know, when you open a joint bank account on your third date, like everything's on the table from there on out.

Anna Martin: Well, I have a first date tonight. I know you don't know me so well, but I wonder what you'd recommend I do. Should I be bold?

Janine Lynn: I think you should be bold and just call out the moment and say, "Okay, the bill's here." How do you feel about it? What is your typical protocol? Let's just talk about it. It's such a big moment. Like, it's such a slimy gross moment. Let's just talk about it.

Anna Martin: Please do.

Anna Martin: And and but I I I really will. And I'm inspired by this approach. I truly am. Janine Lynn, thank you for this conversation. [music] I learned a lot.

Janine Lynn: Oh, thank you for having me here. This was so much fun.

Anna Martin: [music] The Modern Love team is Amy Pearl, Christina Joseph, Davis Land, Alisa Gutierrez, Emily Lang, [music] Jen Poant, Lin Levy, Reea Goldberg, and Sarah Curtis. [music] This episode was produced by Alisa Gutierrez, and Sarah Curtis. It was edited by Davis Land, [music] and Lin Levy. Original music in this episode by Diane Wong, Pat [music] McCusker, Marian Lozano, and Rowan Neist. Dan Powell composed our theme music. This episode was mixed by Daniel Ramirez with studio support from Mattie Mosiello and Nick [music] Pitman. The Modern Love column is edited by Daniel Jones. Mia Lee is the editor of Modern Love Projects. If you'd like to submit an essay or a tiny [music] love story to the New York Times, we've always got the instructions in our show notes. I'm Anna Martin. Thanks for listening. [music]