Hello everyone, welcome to my channel. In this video, let's talk about toxic relationships and why people stay in them.

Among the netizens and friends I know, I often come across this kind of situation. The client's daily and social life are all very rational and normal.

However, when it comes to intimacy, they often do things that seem incomprehensible. They know this relationship is full of hurt and pain, but it's always hard to break free.

Even if they get out of this relationship, they find themselves in a similar situation in the next one. Although there are no external restrictions, the parties feel they can never break through some invisible barrier.

Life seems to be trapped in reincarnation and repetition, leading to a profound sense of unfreedom. We previously mentioned in a video about true interests that freedom itself can be divided into negative freedom and positive freedom.

Negative freedom refers to the outside world having no influence on my behavior; as long as no one interferes with my choice, I am free.

Positive freedom means I can control myself, achieving self-mastery.

Because although sometimes no one interferes with me, I may be constrained by my own nature, for example, by some kind of psychological trauma I have. Therefore, unfreedom can be divided into two types: that is, the lack of freedom controlled by external forces, and inherent unfreedom.

The lack of freedom controlled by external forces is easy to identify; for example, your parents ask you to live according to their plans. This kind of lack of freedom is relatively easy to solve.

However, inherent unfreedom is misleading and deceptive. Because these oppressive voices are all issued in the name of self.

However, these selves are just a false self, an alienated self, not the real self.

A person chronically attracted to and hurt by toxic relationships is, of course, experiencing a serious lack of freedom. But this cannot usually be simply attributed to external oppression and restraint.

So, discovering your true self means identifying those false selves, and becoming aware of the psychological mechanisms and reasons for their existence. Today's video will briefly discuss this topic.

If you are interested in today's video, or have any topic you want to discuss with me, you can contact my email to make an appointment. So let's get back to our topic today.

Speaking of toxic relationships, I thought of the experiences of several friends. Their experiences are very representative.

The first female friend has a very violent boyfriend. This boyfriend doesn't understand or respect her, constantly criticizing and insulting her verbally.

Sometimes he would even resort to physical actions. This, of course, caused her a lot of mental pain.

In my opinion, there is no reason for this relationship to continue. However, when discussing how to break up, her evaluation of her boyfriend underwent subtle changes.

For example, she would think, “Men are all like this; who can be any better?” Or she would think that this man has many shortcomings, but he is growing and sometimes very charming.

This is actually a veiled compliment. Even though she admits he's terrible, there's no one better than him, so he is the best solution.

In fact, the parties themselves may not be aware of the contradictions in their attitudes. There is a kind of inversion here: that unsafe, dangerous intimacy, instead, gave her a special sense of security.

And an emotionally stable love interest, instead, might make her feel strange and insecure. This seemingly contradictory psychological pattern is a typical trauma obsession.

In trauma attraction cases, the early growth experience of the parties was full of abuse and violence. In this environment, she developed a whole system of coping with violence and abuse.

This ability to confront and cope is not just a psychological adaptation. It is a way of survival that the whole body is familiar with.

When confronting an abuser, her body knows how to react quickly. She knows how to predict the other person's mood changes, how to deal with unexpected dangers, and how to defuse and resist the opponent's attack.

A prolonged traumatic environment makes this reaction mechanism quite tenacious. However, if she is with a gentle, emotionally stable person, she will find that all these reaction mechanisms have lost their meaning.

She no longer needs to be vigilant, compromise or fight. All these psychological mechanisms that had helped her seem redundant in a normal relationship.

This is like a warrior who learned how to survive on the battlefield, accustomed to fighting and conflict. When he suddenly comes to a peaceful world, he will feel insecure and unreal.

He might even feel boring and empty, because all the combat skills he had accumulated are useless. And those with violent and unstable partners recreate childhood trauma.

Although it will hurt, it does activate her nervous system. It can evoke her strong sense of familiarity and vitality.

Her physical reactions, emotional patterns, and abilities seem to have found meaning in this state. This leads to her being easily attracted to men with problems.

Another female friend said that although she currently has a very gentle and caring boyfriend, she often feels an inexplicable attraction to that terrible ex.

Her ex was a man who was rude and cold to others, but he often showed her unusual kindness. This special kindness touched her heart.

Even though her ex sometimes behaved rudely towards her, she thinks this is just because he lacked a good growth environment, and she should be more tolerant of him.

However, as she tried again and again to repair her relationship with her ex, she experienced frustration again and again. She seems to think that this emotionally unstable person's occasional kindness is more precious than the kindness of those who are sane.

Also more attractive. This attraction seems indescribable and incomprehensible.

This woman's childhood can be said to be relatively safe. Her parents love her more. There's no major trauma.

However, although her father treated her well, he often suppressed her mother. In her childhood, she could often empathize with her mother's depression, misfortune, and powerlessness.

Although this was her mother's trauma, it wasn't a direct trauma she experienced. However, because she subconsciously agrees with, accepts, and inherits her mother’s negative experiences, it can be said to be a vicarious trauma.

This just shapes her ex's appeal. Because the ex is similar to her father in some way: that is, they are both rude to others but good to her.

She unconsciously hopes to recreate this traumatic environment. By repairing the relationship with this man, she can vicariously compensate and repair her mother's trauma.

Make up for the emotional care that the mother did not receive. However, this desire for restoration is always frustrated.

Because her ex won't cooperate with her plan. This caused her to experience constant pain and disappointment.

And every failure strengthened her motivation to continue working hard.

A male friend had a similar experience. He found that his girlfriends were used to suppressing and taking advantage of him.

He felt that he seemed to easily tolerate and endure this kind of oppression from the other side. When someone makes certain demands on him, he always feels that he should tolerate others and respond to their needs.

This netizen, in daily life, would not tolerate repression. But in an intimate relationship, facing women who made him feel arrogant, he showed great tolerance.

This often causes him a lot of pain and confusion. Through discussion, we discovered that he had a cold and authoritarian father.

His father was very strict and stingy with him, offering no warmth. He now seems to see his childhood self in these girls.

So when those women made demands on him, he did not feel the other party's disrespect and exploitation. Instead, it automatically enters the parent-child relationship model.

As if the other person is a child who is acting like a spoiled child to him. He unconsciously played the role of an ideal father.

In other words, he hopes to satisfy these girls, thereby symbolically repairing his childhood. He felt that if he rejected the requests of those girls, the other party would be very disappointed, pained, and powerless.

However, these experiences are more like a projection of his repressed emotions in childhood. Rather than what actually happened.

This is another form of trauma obsession. Due to the subconscious coldness and criticism of the stingy bad father, he feels a responsibility to be a good father in intimate relationships, unconditionally meeting the needs of others.

As a result, in intimate relationships, he always attracts emotionally oppressive women. And this seemed to exacerbate his trauma once again.

Through the discussion of the above examples, we can find that trauma obsessions often have the following characteristics:

The first is that this relationship often does not improve; instead, it makes people sink deeper. The key characteristic of trauma obsession is the repeated attempt to repair past trauma in intimate relationships.

They will try every possible way to change each other, investing more emotional resources. Hopefully, “this time” can make up for the emotional experience that was not completed in the past.

However, such repair efforts are usually in vain. Because the parties often choose those who do not have the ability to repair.

It can even be said that he is a person with serious mental defects. For example, a person who has been treated indifferently since childhood may be attracted to people who are emotionally hot and cold.

Trying to gain final acceptance in this relationship. But these people themselves lack stable emotional abilities.

It doesn't provide a sense of security at all. Individuals mistakenly believe they are trying to repair trauma, when they are actually re-enacting it.

This relationship pattern is not the path to healing. Rather, it makes them experience the helplessness and pain of the past again and again.

A vicious cycle.

Second, in trauma obsession, the parties involved often experience severe regression. Regression means the human mind regresses to a childish, primitive state.

It is normal to experience regression in a relationship; it can even be said to be necessary. For example, two people talk like children, act like a spoiled child towards each other, or create some cute names.

This healthy regression is actually interacting in a more natural and unguarded way. It does not carry with it any fragility or dependency of mind.

It's not from the shadow of trauma. It's just an emotional release and a way to express intimacy.

Both sides can temporarily put aside the pressure and responsibilities of the outside world. Enjoy unconditional love and acceptance.

Severe regression is largely involuntary and out of control. And it may develop into a more extreme psychological state, for example, a primitive sense of atonement, or black-and-white emotional patterns.

The so-called primitive sense of atonement, the parties involved, may display extreme self-sacrifice towards their partner.

They believe that they need to perform some kind of mysterious “atonement” to exchange for the other's love, or to make themselves pure and holy. This mysterious morality causes them to react badly to their partner, enduring again and again.

Even if they are ignored, abused, or betrayed, they still feel like “I’m not good enough”. They even take the initiative to endure more pain in exchange for the other party's temporary goodwill.

The reason why we say this kind of thinking is primitive is because it is very common in children and primitive humans. It is a primitive self-centered thinking and a tendency for subjective and objective interpenetration.

Children growing up often lack the capacity to understand complex emotions and relationships. As we mentioned in the video about sexual fantasies, children have a tendency to, when they feel that the relationship between them and their parents has any possibility of cracks or imperfections, uphold their parents' authority and glorify their parents.

At the same time, put the responsibility on yourself. Children will not conclude from their parents' indifference to them that there is something wrong with the parents.

Instead, children may feel that they are not good enough, not outstanding or excellent. And internalize this sense of shame into the subconscious.

People who experienced more of this type of trauma in childhood easily feel that they are the only ones who have the responsibility to mend the relationship. Conflict resolver.

The core expression of atonement means that they think they need to “compensate” for certain actions. Even in the face of abuse or unfair treatment, they also think they “deserve” to suffer.

It is believed that only through extreme self-sacrifice can one gain love or recognition. This mode of thinking is similar to the unconditional dependence on parents in childhood.

It is worth mentioning that this primitive sense of atonement is also a gateway to understanding Chinese society. We will discuss this later.

Third, the parties feel that a certain type of person has strong emotions and attractions. But this attraction is not due to some kind of emotional resonance.

It is an unconscious pattern that is difficult to express and understand in words. The party seems like they are playing a role involuntarily.

It seems like sleepwalking. This attraction is not free.

Sometimes it can be painful, but it's simply irresistible. It's a bit like addictive behavior.

For example, an alcoholic doesn't actually want to drink, but in the end, he still chooses to drink in pain. Although no one forced him to do this.

This voluntary compulsion is where the confusion and contradictions come in. So why is there this fascination with trauma that is difficult to express in words?

We will continue to discuss this topic in the next video.

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Thank you for watching, goodbye!