Alan Resnick: So I recently just completed a short film about computers, and I'm very excited to be able to premiere it right now at TED. Let's take a look. Thank you.

Alan Resnick: Did that scare you? I think that's because computers actually are kind of scary, aren't they?

Alan Resnick: Hi, my name is Alan Resnick, and if you don’t know me, I’m a bit of a “tech-head.” What does that mean? It means an average day for me is spent surfing the web, checking my emails and just clicking on links. That's sort of me in a nutshell.

Alan Resnick: And when I'm not doing that, I tour the country, and I teach people how to use computers. And the number one thing I've noticed all over is that people are afraid of computers. They're scared.

Alan Resnick: And don't get me started on the internet, you guys. Has anyone here ever been online?

Alan Resnick: Two, three hands. You guys gotta get online. It's incre -- I'm telling you, there's some crazy stuff online, you guys. I don't have time to get into it right now, but they have photos and videos of people online, and they're performing a kind of love that I am not comfortable with. OK?

Alan Resnick: And they have your data. They do. These sick people have your data. Are you comfortable with that? I'm not. But I have a question for you guys, and it is a real question. How do you use your computer? How do you guys use your computers? Just curious. Can we get her a mic? How do you use your computer?

Audience Member: Well, I usually use my computer for work. So emails and, you know, sending messages to folks.

Alan Resnick: No, stop. OK. Shut up. No. OK. This is wrong. This is incorrect. I hate to say this, but you're using your computer wrong. You know, not "use." I don't love that word "use." We don't "use" computers, do we?

Alan Resnick: No. I think of computers a little like grandparents, actually. You wouldn't use your grandmother, right? But your grandmother can make your life easier if you use her properly. So what is the proper way to use a computer? Tonight I'm going to share with you my one simple trick that's going to make your life a lot easier, it's going to protect your data and it's going to calm you down. OK, here it is. Desktops. Desktops.

Alan Resnick: What is he saying? Desktop. I can't hear him. What are you saying? I'm saying save it to your desktop! It's as simple as that. Save it to your desktop. OK? Yeah, we can clap for that. That's pretty cool. That is pretty cool.

Alan Resnick: You're going, "Alan, it can't be that easy." It is. But before we can talk about desktops, we have to talk about something else. Look at this. Check this out. This is pretty cool. Look at that. You see this? My skin. Look at -- Whoa!

Alan Resnick: My skin is vibrating. But it's vibrating -- it's very hard to tell. It's hard to see. Here. This is vibrating, too. But I think you'll be able to see this. Can you see that? Light vibrates too. Are you -- I need a response. Can you see that? You can? OK.

Alan Resnick: That's because of the eye-brain system. The visible spectrum. Rods and cones. Rods and cones. Rods and cones. But my skin is vibrating, too. But it vibrates at a rate that you can't see or perceive, but dogs and pets can actually hear. They hear our skin. So I know you like to touch a little dog's head. But that passive action is actually causing them extreme inner ear pain, so you shouldn't touch dogs.

Alan Resnick: But here's what you didn't know. My computer vibrates too. Did you know that? Computers vibrate. And they happen to vibrate at the exact opposite rate as human skin. That's amazing. So when you're working with a computer, those vibrations are phasing. And when you touch a computer, you have a vibration rate of zero.

Alan Resnick: There is only one moment in every person's life when they have a vibration rate of zero, and that is on their fifth birthday, when they blow out the candle. So you go on, "Alan, you convinced me." If working with computers feels even half as good as a little boy's birthday, then sign me up. The glove is off and we're ready to change our lives forever. But how? Desktops. I already told you, desktops. Save it to your desktop! I already said that. Save it to your desktop. OK.

Alan Resnick: I think you're ready. Do you guys want to see my desktop?

Audience: Yes. Show me your desktop.

Alan Resnick: I can’t hear you. Do you guys want to see my desktop? Come on! OK, let's do it! Here we go. Let's get it booted up. Here it is. It's my desktop. Whoa! That's amazing.

Alan Resnick: You're going, "Alan, I could never have something like that." If you follow my simple rule, save it to your desktop, you're not only going to have an awesome desktop, you're actually going to have a wicked, awesome life. Now check this out. This is cool. The desktop -- is a little like my desk's top surface, right? So I have file folders on the computer. And guess what? I got them here too.

Alan Resnick: What kind of things can you save to your desktop? Anything. You can have photos, emails, PDFs. Those are like packets. You can have movies, video games, key codes, MP3s, zip disks. These are all useful things that you can save to your desktop. So it's sort of an organizational technique.

Alan Resnick: So I'll give you an example. Let's say your dad emails you some pics of the lawn. All you have to do is ... OK. Yeah, you got to just save them to the desktop. Just save those right to the desktop. And after you do that, you're going to want to print out a copy for yourself, which you're going to place on your desk's top. Can I get those photos? Where the heck are those photos? Oh, thank you so much.

Alan Resnick: So -- This is cool. So now you always know where everything is. You're not going to lose anything. I'll give you another example. I'm just going to pick a file at random. Let's just pick a random file. OK? Eeny meeny miny moe. Catch a tiger by the t -- Oh. This is a little embarrassing. This is actually an old poem I wrote. Egg on my face. It says, "Why whisper when a yell can travel just as far? A whisper yelled is a whisper heard." Hmm.

Alan Resnick: So where did I save that? Let's see. Where did I save that? It looks like I put that on... OK, that's C5, that's the bottom right corner of my desk. So it should be here. Oh, Goddamn it! Oh! Boom! Here it is! Wow! You can clap for that. That's cool! This is amazing. This is amazing.

Alan Resnick: Now I'm noticing there's a couple eagle-eyed viewers in the audience, and they're looking my computer and they're going, "Something's up, something's up." You're going, "Alan, where the heck is your toolbar?" Or dock. Some people call it dock. I call it a toolbar. "Where's your toolbar?" Well, guess what. My computer doesn't have a toolbar. Why? I'm not addicted to my toolbar.

Alan Resnick: You think America's got an obesity problem? You think we have a fentanyl problem? Folks, we have a toolbar problem. Stop using your toolbar. There is room for everything you need right here on the desktop.

Alan Resnick: This is silly. This is my -- My girlfriend, my ex-girlfriend, actually, made this for me. And, uh... I don't know, it's silly, but I like to look at it. It makes me happy to see this, so I -- I keep it on my desk while I work. But, uh -- Yeah. No, no, it's, um -- It's not in the computer.

Alan Resnick: Yet! But literally anything can be saved to your desktop. All you have to do is rig up a camera around a bucket at 90 degrees. You're going to want to fill the bucket with black water and paint your beloved object white. And here's what you do. It's really easy. You submerge the object in the water and film yourself as you pull it up, recording its topology through time. You're going to get the topology of every axis, axes, axi. And once you have the axis data, all you have to do is boolean the axis. You’re going to end up with an OBJ file that’s super high quality, you can render in an infinite quality of lighting conditions.

Alan Resnick: And then there's only one thing left to do. What are we going to do?

Audience: Save it to your desktop.

Alan Resnick: AR: Yes. Oh my God. Save it to your desktop! Yes! Woo! If you do this, you will always have the things you want and need and love, and you will know exactly where to find them. You never have to be lonely again. You will be happy and people will love you.

Alan Resnick: Listen, if you don't have organizational skills and desktop skills, I'm sorry, folks, you're not going to get that job. Your data, it's going to be leaking on the floor. People are going to be slipping. They're going to be slipping on your data. You can say "bye-bye" to your kids. They're going to be living on their desktops.

Alan Resnick: Mark my words, in one year's time, people will literally be, blah, blah, blah, blah, talking to their computers. Whoa. In two years, people are going to be walking around with glasses so powerful they're never going to need to come home. And in three years' time, computers will have gotten so small they will literally fit on a piece of breakable glass.

Alan Resnick: Whew! OK. Thank you so much. My name is Alan Resnick. I really hope that helped. You've been incredible. I love you so much. Good night. Thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.