Sports is filled with motivational sayings. Give it 110%. No pain, no gain.

But what do they sound like to a kid who's under pressure to succeed?

When does competition stop being healthy and start being a cause of stress and distress?

I asked Pura Felicia, world champion hurdler, broadcaster, and author of My Mother's Daughter, and Andrew Wong, a clinical psychologist who works with kids, teens, and adults about this and more.

Purita Andrew, welcome to the rundown. How are you two doing?

>> Good.

Great. Thank you.

All right, Purita, I'm coming to you first. You competed at the highest level. What would you say that competition motivated you as a young person?

You know what I would say for me I loved the social aspect of sport and that's what you find if you look at data like young girls love the social aspect of sports whereas boys like their motivation for sports is really like how far they can push and test themselves and I'm talking about like before the age of 14 as I got older right cuz sport

and I'm talking about like before the age of 14 as I got older right cuz sport was honestly like something I could take or leave but as I got older it wasn't until I was like 16 17 18 19 that I'm like oh yeah like I really love doing this but I really did it cuz all my friends were doing it to be honest.

What were they doing? What were we what were we competing in?

Yeah. So, oh my goodness, everything. Like I tried for cross country in grade three. That was an absolute fail. Don't recommend if you like have a lot of like fast twitch fibers. Uh and then I did uh

triple jump was horribly like awfully coordinated. I know doesn't seems like it doesn't make sense for further, but I couldn't do the hop skip jump part.

Long jump was really good at it. Even tried high jump and I'm not that tall. I'm like 5'5, but I got like third place in the region.

I went off my resume as like an emerging athlete just to say like I did everything cuz it was cool and my friends were doing it and then you know

I had I got to the hurdles didn't want to do it at all and my coach made me do the hurdles.

He would only coach me in the hurdles and that's how I became a very reluctant hurdler.

Okay, there we are. All right. Well, Andrew, it's not just sports. Of course, we know in school there is competition.

If you have siblings, I have an older brother. We there is an internal uh competition right there in itself.

How can a competitive atmosphere uh affect young people?

Well, I think I think you hit it on the on the nail on the head there. Um,

nature has this built-in mechanism called siblings.

Um, and they promote this healthy competition or they can.

And I think just like in sports, um, sometimes you need the referees who come in and and for siblings it's the parents.

And I think when it comes to siblings, what is so important to understand is that um they will push each other, right?

But at the same time, uh what we hope to see is this sort of healthy problem solving as well.

That there will be laughter and there will be problem solving and and they sort of work things out and at from time to time parents will hop in and say, "Okay, I'm going to have to help you guys problem solve a little bit."

But this is where I do believe um and the research has shown that um those who form these positive sibling relationships can go out there and form these positive uh relationships in sport just like Pura was saying um you know the the social aspect is so important.

All right Pura you are a parent shout out to six and a half-year-old Nova. uh

knowing how much pressure uh you were under through your life as an athlete, would you want to see your own child deal with that kind of pressure?

You know, that's a good question and thank you for putting the half on the six and a half. That's very important to Nova.

I will say that we've thrown her in everything like swimming, you know, tennis, figure skating. Like she's done all the things and actually when she was

around five, she I think she heard someone saying this. She's like, "Mama, I'm just a child. I'm doing too many things."

And I was like

because I kind of wanted I know I was like oh I kind of wanted to have all the things and the experiences I didn't have because I kind of just you know did track it was something I I could afford.

So about the pressure piece little poor Nova probably feels some of that and actually paired it back.

She's just doing swimming right now and figure skating and that's enough. The two things she loves.

But I will say this the pressure has to be age appropriate right now.

What I don't like seeing is the fact that, you know, you see these these young athletes 9, eight, 14. It's like it's become a professionalization of youth sport.

They have the nutritionists and the coaches.

And I actually think that's unhealthy. It can lead to burnout.

It also can lead to them not really doing it for them, doing it to like please a coach or please a parent.

And I think parents and all of us who have littles around us need to kind of keep an eye on that. Are we doing it for us or is it really about them and their enjoyment?

All right, Andrew, I'm going to get you to pick up on what Purita said there, but help us understand what's the difference between healthy and unhealthy competition.

Healthy competition, it's so important um to focus on the effort, to focus on the skill development, the positive reinforcements of praise and celebrating the relative achievement of that child.

I think so many times um I mean it's built into to human nature. we will compare.

Um I get parents in my office all the time saying, "Oh, I I wish I didn't compare, but I do."

And and I always remind them, we do. We we compare, and that's okay.

Uh but we have to be aware of that. And is it a healthy comparison or not, right?

Um and so when we talk about um healthy competition, it's knowing that okay, we are going to celebrate that relative achievement.

if they've never jumped an axle before in figure skating and this is the first time, we celebrate that.

Doesn't matter if you know another child uh on the other side of the rink is doing a double axle, right? Doesn't matter.

Um and then with unhealthy competition, the piece around that, there's just so much emphasis on winning and losing.

And I think nowadays there's so many different levels of competition.

Um, like Purito was saying, I mean, you can have a six-year-old who is being chosen for, you know, a single A team, a double A team in hockey.

Um, and what does that even mean to the child?

Um, and so when we go into that level, it it becomes problematic.

Uh, because now we're just emphasizing winning and losing.

Uh, we have to emphasize the fun and the learning and the skill development.

Um, you know, sometimes when we put too much pressure on kids, we emphasize, oh, you did this wrong, you did that wrong, you have to do this better.

And we indirectly produce this notion of shame.

And and so when they be when they feel shame, now they're scared of making mistakes.

Now they're only playing, as Pura mentioned before, to please the coach, to please the parent, you know,

oh, I scored three goals. I'm going to get praised today. I didn't score any goals. H that that's going to be a tough one on the car ride home.

Purita, I want to get your take. What do you think the difference is between healthy and unhealthy competition?

You know, I've been through like every level of sport, grassroots, emerging, elite, professional.

It was my job for a long time and I have seen some coaches that have been the reason that athletes don't excel.

So, I'll give you a quick quick uh understanding. I had a um a worldass and elite training partner for a really long time.

And so, I competed for Canada. I won't say her name. She competed for another country.

But uh so when we were on university, she'd do great and then she'd go back for the professional season. Let's say Olympics or worlds.

We go back and uh so so I'd see her, you know, we weren't at campus, but we'd be like, let's say the Olympics or the world championships, wherever they were that year, and she could not get it together.

Like she wouldn't even make a final. And it was so confusing to me.

And I remember asking my coach like, why is it when she goes back home like she doesn't perform?

And it came down to her coach being so high-rung, so stressful, yelling at her that her ability to perform under pressure was lost.

And so you see those unhealthy environments when an athlete really can't normalize failure, is not allowed to fail.

If you see your young emerging athlete looking over at you as the parent or looking at you as the coach for confirmation if they should move, they should make this play, should I, you know, ask to come off the field?

Those are the things that are starting to really become unhealthy because that child's not able to make decisions for themselves.

You want, like Angie said, to have this environment where, you know, the child feels free. They're enjoying themselves. It's fun.

And the other thing I want to stress, and I I'll say this is we have to normalize mistakes, right?

You have to normalize, and people hate this world word. I love this word, failure.

It's okay.

And instead of saying to your child, nitpicking and analyzing, just say, "Oh my goodness, it was great to see what you did today."

You know, when Nova comes off the ice, you know, she's not a great skater yet, but I had dreams of her maybe, you know, being a prolific figure skater.

See, I'm projecting. See, I'm projecting.

But the point I'm trying to say is when she gets off the ice, I ask her like, "How did it feel? It looked great. I love it. I can't skate, but you're six and a half and you can."

So, I think you have to really check yourself as the parent and the coach and then make sure that child is really doing it for the right reasons.

All right. Andrew Pura had mentioned the commercialization of sports. Sports has grown so much.

Do you think parents are feeling pressure to put their kids in competitive sports or grab that camera to film that highlight reel to post on YouTube so the scouts are watching because we know scouts are watching.

But you know, do parents feel that pressure?

Oh my goodness, absolutely.

Um, so just some self-disclosure, I have a seven-year-old and a nine-year-old and the nine-year-old is a figure skater as well.

And even she sometimes asks, "Hey, did my club put that video of me out there?"

Right.

And then you have my seven-year-old who wanted to try out for select baseball.

And so, yeah, there's a lot of commercialization. That's a huge part of it nowadays.

I think, yeah, money is a factor.

Um, every club, every league wants to generate profit.

And so, you have, like I said before, like four different levels of hockey, four different levels of baseball, and everybody is trying to recruit.

So, I I do think that's a that's a huge factor.

Plus, social media, too.

All right. In the last few minutes that we have, Pura, do you have any advice to share for youth or the adults in the room on how to maintain your self-worth uh during the ups and downs of winning and losing?

I love that question. I think that you have to diversify your child's identities.

And so if the only focus in the household is them being a hockey grade, a hockey star and having to go to the rink and whatever the the arena of play is, I think you do your child at a disadvantage.

because here's the truth. Majority of of the human population does not go to the Olympics, does not go and win, you know, a Stanley Stanley Cup.

Sorry to break it to you moms and dads spending all these thousand dollars on these things.

Do it. Love the development idea of it, but the point is if that is the goal, if that's the idea, no.

So, I think you really have to check yourself and be like, "No, I'm doing this because there are things my athlete is going to learn from sport that will serve them forever."

And there's things I remember learning from, you know, when I was nine in in club track and then when I was, you know, 18 in university where it's like now I'm accountable.

If I say I'm going to do something, I say it.

Also, when I've not worked out for a long time, I can get back on the treadmill and do it again.

These are just the the efforts.

It's like me able to do things and try hard and be uncomfortable are lifelong lessons. I don't have all these, you know, metals hanging around, but well, actually I do.

Sorry. Not everybody has all these medals hanging around is what I meant to say, right?

But the point is what is what's more lasting than these rusty dusty metals is really those kind of in the intrinsic motivation I have to grow myself and to be better.

And so that really has to be why you do it as a parent.

And just make sure at the end of the day that you're not projecting what you want on your for yourself onto your child.

Let them have their own goals and their own dreams.

And if yeah, they go on to be the next Sydney Crosby or the next pretty defle. I'm too shy. I'm too Yes, great.

But just do it. Just do it for them.

Andrew, that you know, a lot of people have a hard time with the phrase, you know, winning isn't everything.

Um, adults, youth, parents, whatever it be.

How can parents help their kids figure this one out?

I think first and foremost, let them play, let them enjoy themselves out there.

Um, you know, this this idea that, you know, winning isn't everything. It's true.

Going back to what Fredo Purito was saying, sorry. Um, it's being able to build resilience throughout their lives.

Take what they can learn from sport into everyday life.

Um, resilience. What is resilience?

Right? It's the ability to be able to say, "I can do hard things. I can ask for help."

Um, some of the athletes who I work with, um, they are so scared to ask for help because they think they have to do it on their own.

But research has shown that resilience is built on being able to be resourceful and to ask for help.

So that also means that they can be vulnerable to others and trust others that they know better and and so

being able to take that away through sport.

I love sports because it teaches so much about life.

Um, so when they go out into the work world, you know, can they ask for help instead of trying to figure things out on their own?

I hope they can.

All right, we are going to leave it there. Andrew Pura, thank you so much.

Lessons not just for the young ones, but for the adults as well.

Really appreciate it.

>> Anytime.

Thank you so much.