Hello everyone, I am Anthony. Welcome to my channel. In this video we continue to discuss trauma fascination. How to find a good relationship.

Previous video. We explored several cases of trauma obsession. That is, a person. Chronically attracted to and hurt by toxic relationships. We have summarized several characteristics of trauma obsession.

First of all, In intimate relationships, the parties often. Repeated attempts to repair past trauma. They will try every possible way to change each other. Invest more emotional resources. Hopefully "this time". Can make up for the emotional experience that was not completed in the past. However. Such repair efforts are usually in vain.

Second is in trauma obsession. The parties involved often experience severe regression. For example, black and white thinking. and a primitive sense of atonement or guilt. think. Only through extreme self-sacrifice and endurance of suffering. To gain love or recognition.

Of course, more importantly. Sometimes the parties involved can understand. This relationship is toxic. There are serious problems. But still feel a strong irresistible attraction. Keep getting involved. And this process. It seems difficult to express and understand with words.

When someone asks. Why do you continue to maintain this bad relationship? The parties may give a self-contradictory answer. An inconclusive answer. Or use some abstract and empty words to avoid. Or they would say, you are right. But I just can't do it. This kind of truth is understood. But it is impossible to do. It's actually quite common.

It also reminds us. Simply by reading and thinking about psychology. Why breakthroughs are often so difficult to achieve. Then this video. Let’s briefly discuss this topic. If you are interested in today's video. or. Do you have any topic you want to discuss with me? You can contact my email to make an appointment. So let's get back to our topic today.

First of all, when a person says that he "understands the truth. But I just can't do it". What he said was "truth". refers to the ability to be consciously extracted and reflected upon. Content that can be verbalized and symbolized. What we usually call knowledge and memory. All belong to this category.

For example, mathematical theorems, historical events, Language and grammar rules, the meaning of words, Scientific theories, etc. They are all things that can be seen at the conscious level. Use language to express and discuss. It can also be achieved through language and symbols. To constantly correct your understanding. Therefore, in these areas. if. We gain more accurate knowledge and memory. Automatically correct and modify the wrong knowledge.

However, cognitive science tells us. Memory is not singular. It can be divided into explicit memory and implicit memory.

Explicit memory is what we call memory in everyday life. The main characteristics of implicit memory are. It is non-verbal and unconscious. is difficult to capture through direct linguistic reflection. Individuals just know how to do it. But I don't know what and why.

For example, how to dance, how to drive. How to ride a bike etc. When you learn to ride a bike. Even though I haven't ridden a bike for many years. I will never forget. This is the skill acquired through implicit memory. But this memory. Relies mainly on repeated behavior patterns. The familiar feeling created. Rather than conscious recall through language. So when you ride your bike. No need to concentrate on thinking about how to act. To automate tasks.

If you try to think consciously. Cycling with language. Break down each action into specific steps. For example, I should turn left first. Turn the car to the left. Then adjust the center of gravity to maintain balance. This interferes with the instinctive action. I can't ride a bike anymore.

The most important implicit memory. The knowledge of how humans get along with others. That is, implicit relational knowing. This knowledge. When an individual establishes a close relationship with another. Gradually formed. Knowledge about how to interact with others. This knowledge does not exist in the form of language. Rather, it is through non-verbal, emotional and interactive means. Subtly. Influencing our behavior and interaction patterns.

For example, a 5-year-old child. An idea came to me by chance. He began to draw on paper. His parents praised him. He is happy. afterwards. He may have completely forgotten that he was praised. However, his exploration of spontaneity. Connect with the pleasant experience of being praised. and internalize it as a way of interacting with others. After growing up. He may be interested in his own spontaneous exploratory behavior. The results are optimistic. Subconsciously tend to think that others will appreciate you. In fact, he often can't say it. Evidence and basis for this optimistic outlook. Even if you receive some negative feedback. But he tends to believe subjectively. Your own exploration will have good results. While others. is. You must see very realistic rewards and feedback. Dare to explore some things.

We can make an analogy like this. Implicit relational knowledge. Like a psychological account or bank. A person wants to do something spontaneous. He doesn't see clear feedback. not necessarily. Gain support and recognition from most people around you. If he has more positive implicit relational knowledge. That is. When he thinks he will eventually gain the support of others. So. He can draw from this psychological bank. Advance part of capital. As start-up capital for your own business. He implicitly knew. You can get rewards in the future.

Since this “knowing” is implicit. The parties involved may not be able to express themselves clearly and planfully. So to outsiders it seems. This seems like irrational behavior. But from his implicit relational knowledge. He is very rational. And he might stick with it. And achieved success.

Others. You need to see very realistic and concrete returns. To act. There is no way to predict and imagine. Things that can't see results for the time being. This means that it is more difficult to finance his mental account. The result is. His actions are more conservative, cautious and traditional.

Even if he knows rationally. People have to be bold to try in order to succeed. Don’t be too afraid of uncertainty and change. Then he read a lot of books. From many perspectives such as economics, sociology, psychology, etc. How correct is this argument? However, his personal behavior and style of doing things. But it can still be very conservative. Because of his reading and thinking. Just corrected the explicit memory. But it may not be able to correct his negative. Implicit relational knowledge.

I believe everyone still remembers. In the video about statistical thinking. Also mentioned. When we rely solely on statistics. To guide your life. We may neglect our own. Those that cannot be quantified. Predicted and Statistical Features. These characteristics are related to our growth trajectory, The key moments in life are closely related. Often, you don’t even realize it. For example, the implicit relational knowledge we mentioned today. Although these implicit things cannot be counted. But it is extremely important. Even the decisive variable. This is the most unique part of every person. It looks like something beyond reason. But from his inner world and emotional experience. It's actually very reasonable.

Therefore, we say. Implicit relational knowledge. Often shaped by non-verbal context. This requires us to pay attention to the experience beneath the language. and living environment. For example, if a child. I often see parents talking to each other tenderly. Express intimacy. Then the child will feel. This kind of family atmosphere makes him relax. Comfortable. He will feel that love and marriage are beautiful things. He may not realize. I learned how to get along with my parents. But in his future relationship with his partner. It will automatically replicate all of this.

And if a child. Having an emotionally withdrawn, cold father. and a mother who was often hysterical. He may not realize. Unhappiness in parents’ marriage. I won't talk to anyone. Because he had a premonition since he was a child. This is a taboo topic. As a result, he will implicitly. Acquire a pessimistic expectation of intimacy. When there is conflict in a relationship. He tends to avoid communication. Through indifference, alienation. Even directly cutting off contact.

If you ask him how he evaluates his original family. He might give an evasive answer. For example, "It's OK". “Almost” “Just like that”. But the languages ​​are not important. Because he himself is a kind of deep defense. He tends to hide his feelings. Worried about revealing true feelings. It will bring pain. then. He may put on a mask of rationality. To cover up one's avoidance. for example. He believes that a person has an emotional need for others. It is a manifestation of dependence. Human independence is the most important.

He may also draw on a lot of psychological concepts. for example. Describing one's avoidance as having a sense of boundaries, Clearly defined performance. These words of the parties involved. Seems quite rational. Emotionless. However, behind these words. Hidden is a deep fear, Feelings of uneasiness and confusion.

I have met some friends like this. They have some interpersonal trauma. Feeling pain. So they started. Read a lot about psychology and relationship theory. Continuous self-analysis. Their level of knowledge and depth of self-analysis. They're all quite profound. 然而这一切却并没有显著地改善. Their status. Still avoiding and afraid to enter into a relationship. Because reading, thinking and self-analysis itself. It is difficult to rewrite and access implicit memory.

The real key. New relationships and new experiences. We should understand. In terms of the goal of repairing trauma. Theoretical Analysis of Trauma. There is never a substitute for a real and healthy relationship. As one psychotherapist put it: Patients want experiences, not explanations. In other words, patients need a relationship. Better than needing a reason to explain why.

So how do we use interpersonal relationships? To rewrite our implicit relational knowledge? Psychologist Lyons-Ruth said in this article: Traditional psychoanalysis emphasizes the importance of interpretation. That is, by explaining. Make repressed impulses and fantasies conscious. However, explanations alone are not enough to bring about change.

The author believes. In psychotherapy. What really matters are those special moments. That is the moment when the two parties establish a deep link. at this time. The therapist is no longer a. Simply on the patient's subconscious impulse. Theoretical experts who interpret and analyze. Not a blank slate or mirror. But also into their own real existence. Invest your emotions. and interact emotionally with patients. The author calls it an intersubjective meeting. That is, inter-subjective communication. This kind of emotional interaction and resonance. Often more than language can touch a person's self-identity. Integrate and rewrite the other party's rigid, Unhealthy implicit relationship knowledge.

This is not limited to psychotherapy. It can be extended to all interpersonal relationships. That is, truly beneficial interpersonal relationships. All are built on. In which both parties can feel each other. Acknowledge each other's emotions. And through interaction. Achieving emotional coordination and connection based on. Any relationship that promotes emotional resonance and coordination. It can be beneficial to our physical and mental health. Brings great benefits. For example, it reduces the secretion of stress hormones such as cortisol. Enhance individual psychological resilience, etc.

In this process of emotional coordination. Language and symbolic expression. Not the only way. Although language is important. But emotional connection. It is also highly dependent on non-verbal interaction. Such as eye contact, body touching, kissing, etc. These non-symbolic interactions are often more profound. Even if you speak. Emotional states beneath language. It is also worth paying attention to the content of the language.

For example, some people think. Good intimate relationship. It's just two people discussing serious and profound knowledge every day. Mutual Analysis. Side game. However, I think. Good intimate relationship. Both sides should be able to talk a lot of nonsense.

So-called nonsense. Those without much meaning. Information with low timeliness. These seem insignificant. Even boring conversations. It just enables us to communicate. No need to overthink the meaning of every sentence. Not due to excessive self-censorship. The emotional burden. It can also create a large number of. Instant emotional feedback and interaction. For example, passing by a restaurant. Let's complain about this store's ugly decoration. Another example is seeing a particularly large dog on the street. Happy to pull each other to watch together.

Sharing trivial, meaningless emotions like this. It's easier. Create a communication space where people can express their feelings freely. In an intimate relationship. The atmosphere of this conversation. It is more healing than the content of the conversation. Overall. Chat with the people you like. Sleeping together. Many psychological problems will get better. This is the best way to stay healthy.

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I will post this video. Put it in the list of "Psychology and Education". Also recommend to everyone. Check out my other videos in this list. Thank you for watching, goodbye!